Make Home Grown Penicillin: Don't Clean Out That Refrigerator!
78WARNING: This is a work of satire! It is not real! DO NOT try to make penicillin at home. There is no truth to this whatsoever. Some idiots have actually believed this. DO NOT east mold! If you think you need penicillin, SEE A DOCTOR.
Random Ramblings From Idlewild
I know what you're thinking. "Chris," you're saying to yourself, "Chris, how can I, average Joe, make oodles and boodles of money from mold?" The good news is you can! And you can do it at home without any special equipment using only items you already have around the house. You don't have to be Dr. Frankenstein, Louis Pasteur or even Richard James, the inventor of the Slinky. Along with a little patience, all you need is a bio-breeding receptiplace, a little patience, and before you know it you'll be a real penicillin propagator.
Think of the opportunities! In today's world of war, pestilence, and atmospheric mayhem, there is a greater need for "the miracle drug" than ever before. Not to mention the health benefits for you and your loved ones. You're a busy person . Now, you'll be prepared for common colds, streptococcal viruses, and that surprise visit from Mr. Gonorrhea. Heck, you can't afford to run off to the doctor every time one of the kids gets Ebola. If you've told them once you've told them a thousand times, "Don't put that rodent in your mouth...you never know where it's been!" Oh, you'll be ready, my friend...and you'll save lives while you're making money!
Molecule Penicillin
A Penicillin Saved Is a Penicillin Earned
Before you get started on your path to sainthood, you'll want to know a little about the history of penicillin. In 1928, British scientist Alexander Fleming, noticed that mold had prevented bacteria from growing in his lab. He thought it was cool but didn't do anything about it. "Righty O," he said, and went about his work trying to invent the slinky. It was 10 years later when Australian scientist Howard Flory's dedicated research transformed this mold - this penicillin - from an amusing observation into the life saving substance we know and love today.
Due to lack of funds, Fleming had a difficult time in producing significant amounts of the mold. According to Dr. Simon Torok in his article published in Helix magazine, Maker of the Miracle Mould (that's "mold" to us Americans), "At first penicillin was made using old dairy equipment. Hospital bedpans were used to grow mould." From my experience hospital bedpans are still growing mold, except in England where they grow mould, only they don't make penicillin out of it.
Penicillin Cells
Microscope Video of Dirty Fridge Fluid
Workin' On The Chain Gang
The actual biological process of the mold turning into penicillin is a complicated one, so I will simplify here. Once the mold has begun to form, blah, blah, blah and jabber, jabber, jabber. Then when this bi-product yada, yada, yada, it solidifies until it yakety yak don't talk back. But don't concern yourself with the scientific details.
All you need to know is that penicillin works thusly: When you get some nasty bacteria in your system that makes you call in sick to work - for real this time - this bacterium constructs a bacterial cell wall called peptidoglycan. This wall protects the bacteria from your natural defense system. Since your anti-bodies can't penetrate this bacterial wall, the bacteria a free to set up their own enterprise right inside your body producing more bacteria, which they are then free to sell on the open market. Penicillin prevents the bacteria from forming this cell wall, so your little anti-bodies can attack the dickens out of them, like Raquel Welch in Fantastic Voyage, only their anti-bodies aren't as shapely as Raquel's. Now, the human body doesn't have any peptidoglycan in it, so the penicillin does no damage to us, just the bacterium. Class dismissed.
This Is Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!
Yes, Yes, Yes!
Let's Get This Party Started
So let's get started on your new humanitarian and make-a-few-bucks mission. First you'll need a bio-breeding receptiplace. You probably already have one and call it a refrigerator, a fridge, an icebox, a cooler, or a great place for the kids to hide. You're a professional now, so call it a bio-breeding receptiplace. Keep your receptiplace at a constant temperature of 72 degrees Fahrenheit. Any colder and you can inhibit the development of your vital mold cultures, retarding their growth and causing them to take the little yellow bus to school. Also avoid any products with chemicals harmful to the mold, such as bleach, Ajax, Comet, Lysol, Fantastic, Scrubbing Bubbles, Draino, grease dissolver, rust remover, industrial strength acid, or anything with the word "cleaner" on the label. If you have obsessive compulsive disorder and feel you "must" clean your receptiplace, buy a second receptiplace and call it a food storage unit. You may clean your food storage unit until your knuckles bleed and it won't disturb your receptiplace environment.
The next step is selecting your ideal penicillin mediums. I don't mean psychics covered in mold, but rather the "foodstuffs" you will use to breed your moldy microbes. Just about any edible item will do, but some are better than others. Milk is an excellent platform. Purchase a 1 quart carton of chocolate milk. The brown color will help you observe your product as it grows. Pour out half of the contents and leave the remainder sitting in a warm environment for 3 days. Now, without closing the carton, place the milk into your bio-breeding receptiplace. Cheese is also a superior platform for penicillin production. Simply unwrap it, set it and forget it.
A Variety of Fruits and Vegetables
I'm a Chaquita Bananna la, la, la
A truly superior breeding ground is any type of fruit or vegetables. As their composition breaks down, they increase their mushy, pulpy, putrid environment. Remember to expose the interior of the fruit and vegetables, removing any protective skins. Carmen Miranda is perfect for this use, as she contains both fruits and vegetables. Just remember to peel her first, and then stick her in your receptiplace. If Carmen Miranda isn't available, alternatives are easy to find. When purchasing fruit or vegetables, choose them from the "discount" bargain bin at your local grocer. In some countries, this is called the "dumpster". They should be soft - not firm. Pale and dull in color - not bright. Also, a peculiar odor should emanate from them.
In the early 1940's, the hunt was on to find the absolute best medium for penicillin production. According to Dr. Torok, "Mary Hunt, known as Mouldy Mary for her enthusiasm in finding new sources of mould [and the condition of her underwear - ed.), then found mould growing in cantaloupe (rock melon) was twice as successful ... at producing penicillin (Maker of the Miracle Mould, Helix)." Cut the cantaloupe in half, exposing its moist, fertile interior and DO NOT wrap in plastic.
Prevent Unnecessary Access
Dis-Organizing Your Bio-Breeding Receptiplace
Now that you have assembled your mold growth platforms, it is time to set up your habitat. Double check to make sure the temperature is set to no cooler than 72 degrees. Also, your cultures prefer a dark habitat, so unscrew the light bulb included with your receptiplace but leave it there. You will need it later during harvesting. Also, it is natural, as a new member of the penicillin propagation community, to feel excitement and curiosity about the development of your product. Please refrain from opening the door of your receptiplace to admire your mold's progress unnecessarily. Opening the door allows fresh air and light into the receptiplace which is not ideal for the mold's development.
Now stack the items on top of each other. Shove them into corners and recesses. Place them into the handy bins way in the back. Some items may be better contained within their own "Tupperware" style containers, but don't use the lids. The lids are only for when the containers are NOT IN USE. This prevents any freshness or dish washing soap from getting inside the container in between growth cycles. Finally, mist the interior with distilled water mixed with a little sugar. Ordinary tap water can contain chemicals and fluoride which can be harmful to mold. Now close it up and NO PEAKY.
Regimen of Introducing Stress
Caring For Your Crop
While penicillin propagation is mostly a "turn-key" operation, there are some minor duties that you, as the mold "farmer", must perform. As stated in Wikipedia, "Penicillin is a secondary metabolite of fungus Penicillium, which means the fungus will not produce the antibiotics while it is growing, but will produce penicillin when its growth is inhibited by stress." Furthermore, the more constant the stress, the more penicillin you will produce. For this reason, we maintain what we like to call our "Tough Love" program.
Once a week, access your bio-breeding receptiplace and scream hurtful comments at your mold cultures. Scream really loud. If the neighbors can't hear you, you're not screaming loud enough. Over time you will develop the mean spirited and esteem squashing phraseology that works best for you, but we have provided you with some insults for beginners to start off with:
YOU'RE DEPRIVING SOME POOR VILLAGE OF AN IDIOT!
OUT OF 500 MILLION SPERM YOU WERE THE FASTEST???
YOU'RE DUMBER THAN I TELL PEOPLE!
CAN I BORROW YOUR FACE WHILE MY ASS IS ON VACATION!
DON'T LET YOUR BRAINS GO TO YOUR HEAD, YOU DUMB (insert epithet)!
YOU VOTED FOR BUSH TWICE!
YOUR MOTHER WEARS ARMY BOOTS!
HERE! RUB THIS TOILETTE PAPER ON YOUR BOOBS! IT SURE MADE YOUR BUTT BIGGER!
These are just the beginning. Curse words are always effective. Remember too that insults requiring "reasoning" on the part of the mold do not work. For example, "You know, in the larger scope of things, you are but a microbe in a petri dish" is ineffectual. And as long as you have the door to your receptiplace open, take this opportunity to spray the interior thoroughly with your water and sugar solution. Now close her up until next weeks "Tough Love" session. You may increase the sessions as desired.
Vintage Amplifier Vacuum Tubes
Alternative Medicine
Unfortunately, penicillin can cause violent reactions to those with a penicillin allergy. There's no need to lose these poor souls as customers. It is a simple matter to alter selected mold colonies to produce ampicillan, the alternative to penicillin. When your mold cultures are well along in development, but AT LEAST 2 WEEKS prior to harvest, simply stick a vintage amplifier vacuum tube into the cultures you wish to develop into ampicillan. These tubes are readily available on the Internet, goodwill stores, and junk yards.
Unfortunate Child Undergoes Treatment
Harvesting, Using, and Selling Your Crop
This is truly simple. Bear in mind, you are looking for the blue/green stuff. That's the highest quality of penicillin you have produced. In terms of treating yourself, your family, and your friends, it couldn't be easier. Say you feel really bad. You are burning up, but you are freezing. You are sweating, but you are shivering. Do you go to the doctor and spend 50 bucks just so he can come in to your examining room, wash his hands for two minutes, and then write you a prescription that costs another 50 bucks? No, no, no. It doesn't even matter what horrible thing you have. Just make a blue/green cheese sandwich and, wah lah, you're cured and you saved $100.00! (NOTE: Do not make a grilled cheese sandwich. Frying or heating the sandwich will lessen the curative qualities of the cheese.)
Let's take a real-life case example. A penicillin propagator I know has a young daughter. She came down with a horrible, face disfiguring illness. Now, my friend had many unexpected expenditures around this time, and simply could not afford medical treatment, intensive care, and possibly surgery on the poor dear thing. What did he do? He began to give the sweet little girl a tablespoon of putrid goo 3 times a day right from the cantaloupe in his receptiplace. He didn't know what she had. It doesn't matter. Penicillin is the miracle drug. Today, she is a happy, normal girl with only minor nerve damage! Fortunately, he took pictures of the whole process so you can see the actual results.
International Penicillan Import/Export
You're Helping Others
Selling your product is also a piece of moldy cake. You'll want to get your product into the hands of the people who can take it to the masses on an international scale. Look in your local phone directory under Black Market Penicillin Import Export. Call several and tell them you have some penicillin you want to unload. They will send a representative to you and analyze your product. They then will make a bid on your stock. Collect several bids and then sell to the highest bidder. Your home grown penicillin is now saving lives and you are pocketing the cash.
Whether strictly for home use or to alleviate the suffering of the needy, you're sure to find penicillin propagation a worthwhile and fascinating hobby. Good luck and bon appetit!
WARNING: CAUTION: Do not eat mold! Do not eat moldy food! Do not feed it to your daughter! Penicillin does not cure Ebola! In people, Ebola is often characterised by the sudden onset of fever, weakness, muscle pain, headache and sore throat. This is followed by vomiting, diarrhoea, rash, limited kidney and liver functions, and both internal and external bleeding, and that's just the beginning. If I told you the rest it would make you sick. No specific treatment or vaccine exists for Ebola haemorrhagic fever. If you've got it, it's too late. Clean your refrigerator regularly. There are no listings in the phone book under Black Market Penicillin Import/Export. If there were, a pirate would not come to your house. Don't stick Carmen Miranda in the fridge. Don't tell your kids to play in the fridge. Don't spray sugar water into the fridge! Oddly enough, yelling at mold probably DOES stress it out, but it will not turn into penicillin. For more information (and a lot more laughs), please read the comment section below. Thank you.
Props to the Penicillin Propigator Who Threw Down the Moldy Gauntlet
- Amoeba Farms and Other Great Pet Ideas for Kids
Tired of dead fish bobbing belly up in your kid's fish tank? The little moment of humming "Taps" or mumbling the Lord's Prayer before the final flush? And how many parakeets do you have buried in your yard?
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CommentsLoading...
Hi, gwendymom. Thanks for the comment! I know! Nice to know there's money in that thar fridge! You're a saint!
I knew there was a reason I left that cantalope in the back of my fridge even after is started to smell funny!!!
Sometimes it's hard to tell when you're serious, dammit. Vacuum tubes? See, I'm just ignorant enough to buy some of that stuff. If this is true, doesn't seem that hard... except I'm totally lost on the stress part. The water/sure is stress? Or opening the door was? (Even I am not gullible enough to believe yelling at crap with no ears will have an effect.) Anyway, however much of this is true, and I'm sure most of it is, this was a great read. Kept lively and moving along with wit while imparting great stuff along the way. Nice work man. Your hubs are always just good reading material.
Yeah, canteloupe is good, yes? It makes me feel like eating some penicillin right now!
Now who's kidding who? Are you serious? It's a joke. Some of the facts about penicillan are true, but I don't think you can really make it at home. I also don't know how you "introduce stress", but people say house plants respond positively to a friendly voice and classical music, and don't do well when subjected to heavy metal music. They did it on Myth Busters, too. It's mostly not true. Is it that hard to tell? Maybe I'll go through it again and change it. Geez. I don't know what to do now.
Hmmm...I'm surprised that someone who wrote a hub on Amoebas and miniature condors as pets didn't catch the sarcastic humor of this...or maybe he was being sarcastic and I missed that....
I'm totally confused. Shade is the one who posted the request. I think he's pulling my leg. I'm glad you get it, Anna. I've decided to leave it alone. Actually, if people believe it and do it, that would be funny, except for them getting sick and dying, of course. In fact, maybe I'd better post this disclaimer:
CAUTION: Do not eat mold! Do not eat moldy food! Do not feed it to your daughter! Penicillin does not cure Ebola! In people, Ebola is often characterised by the sudden onset of fever, weakness, muscle pain, headache and sore throat. This is followed by vomiting, diarrhoea, rash, limited kidney and liver functions, and both internal and external bleeding, and that's just the beginning. If I told you the rest it would make you sick. No specific treatment or vaccine exists for Ebola haemorrhagic fever. If you've got it, it's too late. Clean your refrigerator regularly. There are no listings in the phone book under Black Market Penicillin Import/Export. If there were, a pirate would not come to your house. Don't stick Carmen Miranda in the fridge. Don't tell your kids to play in the fridge. Don't spray sugar water into the fridge! Oddly enough, yelling at mold probably DOES stress it out, but it will not turn into penicillin.
I think that about covers it.
Come on, Shade. Your having one over on the old man, arent you?
Thanks again, Anna, for your support!
OK, that comment and disclaimer was as funny as the whole hub! Thanks for makin me laugh at 2am!
I think so too.
This is great. All I would have to do is take my little bio-culture to work with me, get it a headset, and stress away! Plus, that would have the added perk of confusing my co-workers---Um, they're hiring FUNGUS now? OMG! How low will they go! They'll all be fearing for their futures and trying to act more fungus-like before the day is over.
Thanks Christophe!
Christoph are you and Shades in competition? This is even madder than the hub about amoebas, mini condors and mobys. I love the insults that you use to stress those poor little moulds, and I may have to save some of those for future use! I think I found a whole new strain of penicillin growing on a sock under my son's bed recently. If I'd only known that it was a potential earner, I would never have put it in the washing machine... Great hub as always, and very funny!
I've been looking for ways of making money. Thanks for the ideas. I'm off to the dump to see if I can find me a few of them there fridges that match you pic. I want to do it just right as to your instructions. Thank you so much for sharing. Just one question. Why are you not doing it yourself? This just looks like a total goldmine.
Christoph! I had a really great laugh my side still aches. The title will pull in quite a few readers I'm sure. I loved it. Great way for me to start the day. I always love the fun hubs the best.
regards Zsuzsy
I think the caution is a hilarious addition to this, keep up the good work! Thanks for calling me a saint, if you only knew....
Hysterically funny, I just love the idea of peeling Carmen Miranda if you have her available.
Screaming insults at the mould to stress it out also had me in fits of laughter.
Then came the disclaimer/caution in the comments, and I was cracking up laughing all over again, "Do not put Carmen Miranda in the fridge"
Brilliant all round well done. :)
Pam: It would be a good thing to have right next to your desk. You can use one of the small bio-breeding receptiplace's I have advertised right here on this page. I think you might want to stuff a few of your co-workders into it. Remember to peel them first!
Amanda: Of course Shades and I are not in competition. This hub is in response to his request, Thanks for reading! Are you sure the sock under the bed wasn't also habitat for miniature whales?
Zsuzsy. Glad you had a laugh this morning and I hope it was after breakfast. Did you say your sides ache. Hmmm. I don't know what that is but you need some penicillin. I'll overnight you some. Thanks.
Gwendymom: Thanks for the kind words! As for the caution, I don't want any blood on MY hands.
Misty: A pleasure, as always! Glad you liked it. I put Carmen Miranda in my fridge once. It wasn't pretty. Those Latins have a temper! She was very cold to me after that.
LOL God, you should have seen the look on your face. ROFL
Super hub! Gave me a lot of amnunition the next time my husband and I have that ages old husband/wife conversation about "refrigerator management." Maybe he'll believe I was only trying to make some extra money.
Jerilee Wei, he probably won't mind if he finds Carmen Miranda in the fridge LOL.
Shade: That's not funny. I seriously thought you were serious for a while. After I went back and read it (you, know, you get so close to something you write you can lose your objectivity). But then, I just thought you were stupid. Incredibly stupid. And that made me sad. Anyway, glad we got it straightened out. For the record, you can't put Carmen Mirandi in the fridge because she's dead, but the rest is totally true.
Jerilee: Thanks for stopping by. Maybe you can tell your husband that he is in charge of refrigerator management from now on. Bet that get's your new penicillin business off to a fast start!
Misty: Every man likes to open the fridge and find a nice fruit salad!
HA! this was hysterical and beyond. I totally can see you writing an incredible Oscar winning screenplay..... bringing "scifi" back in all it's glory. The disclaimer was the clincher... Thank u for bringing a bad day back into perspective :)
Hi Summer: What a kind and thoughtful thing to say. I can see the posters for my soon to be Oscar winning screenplay now: "Hysterical and beyond..!", and "Scifi in all its glory...!"
And then I woke up. Seriously, thanks for your comments. It 's always nice to see you. Chis
Ok, I have to be honest. I wasn't really kidding when I wrote that, I just said that to spare myself looking like a moron. But, it would be unfair to pretend I'm not. However, the truth is, since I put that request up, and because I can be moronically trusting sometimes, I was reading it with the "believer's eye" so to speak. Honestly, the comedy was obvious, you are always funny, but since I asked the question in the requests for reasons of wanting to know for the sake of a character I'm writing, I was kind of naively thinking you were weaving comedy around fact. Given my ignorance on the subject, and my assumptions, hope and perhaps schoolboy trustingness (? lol) I admit to reading the whole thing with a plausible reliability if I may coin the term. If it makes me stupid, I can live with that, lol, I have for so many years now as it is.
It is funny to read, absolutely entertaining, but, honestly, if someone reads it with the same desire that it be true that I had, despite the obvious jokes (yelling into the fridge and the vacuum tubes) they might see, as I did, an underlying truth. You've done such a good job of weaving real stuff in there, or at least stuff that seems real, that, well... Maybe I'm the only one. LOL.
Anyway, I respect you too much to cop out of taking the blame for being an idiot or the guy that was the target of a joke. I don't mind being the butt of the joke this time. But, turning it on you with that "you should have seen your face" was unfair on my part. A device to escape embarassment, and unfair to you for whatever it is worth.
@Christoph said:
I know what you're thinking. "Chris," you're saying to yourself, "Chris, how can I, average Joe, make oodles and boodles of money from mold?"
@Shirley is saying:
How'd you know??? Are you one of them mind-readers or sumpin?
Christoph, this is hil-ar-i-ous! Loved the bit about Carmen Miranda.
Thumbs up for you, sir!
Well Shade...tsk tsk LOL! At least you have learned a valuable lesson in all of this. Do your own damn research!! :) Just teasing ya...but damn, I thought I was gullible!
Okay okay...I won't pick on you anymore... :)
See now, Spryte, I intentionally left that alone to spare the poor man any further embarrassment. He's probably just really stressed out, or busy or I don't know, something.
This just gets better and better, but don't pick on shades too much. I kinda like a guillable man.
*ponders the benefit of a gullible man*
Ahhhhh...I see what you ladies mean. :) It's sorta like when we say, "Nahhhh....size doesn't matter and of course you are the best I've EVER had!"
Right?
They are nice to have around, for whatever story you come up with.
I don't mind being gullible sometimes. Frankly, after so many years in sales I'm kind of glad I have not become so cynical I no longer have the capacity to believe or trust, means there's still some innocence in me (which may or may not have value, Spryte, I can't say for sure - probably just a synonym for "stupid" lol). I think this is the same lame part of me that writes stories with happy endings, virtuous maidens and heros who always overcome.
There are worse things than to fall prey to a compelling voice and well spun yarn. I once convinced a friend that prime rib was cow vagina, and a man with a Ph.D. at that. Trust, voice of authority and a dash of showmanship is all it takes. In my own defense, I did question it, so I wasn't in the boat as it were, merely admitting that the bait smelled really good and asking the fisherman if it were ok for me to bite. (And, frankly, some dumb kid, just dumber than me, might actually try it.)
So, :P
LOL! Shade...was waiting to see your reply. I'm just messing with you. It's rare for me to be able to find anyone more gullible than myself...so let me enjoy it for however briefly I can!
It took me hours to figure out the whole "AMP'icillan thing. I couldn't figure out how that would work...but until you went and put yourself out there, I was very close to going home tonight and saying something truly stupid like, "Honey...I know you are deathly allergic to penicillin...but did you know..."
So thank you for sparing me that :)
Wow. I guy goes off to bravely battle a fruit fly infestation and look what happens. (That's true, Shade) Ok. I didn't really think you were stupid, I just said that after you said you were goofing on me - which made me look stupid - and...we could hit this tennis ball back and forth all day.
I have woven a lot of truths in it because, to me, if it has an air of authenticity it makes the absurdity funnier. I consider it something of a compliment now. Like, if I can get you I can get anybody. (Although, last night I was thinking, "If he doesn't get it, then nobody will,") interspersed with "I'm going to delete the f**ker," and "I'm never answering a request again," and other sad-sack, self-pitying, babyish behavior. I really did get the fear of the possibility - as you suggest - that someone might take it too literally and really hurt themselves. I hope they take the time to read far enough down in the comments to read the disclaimer.
If it wasn't what you were hoping for, well its unfortunate but can't be helped. I do thank you for your compliments.
Shade: I love prime rib. I could see me falling for that one when I was younger. Heck, I believed my Uncle was in the Green Beret's until I was in my 20's. Turned out it was just a joke perpetrated on me when I was about 10.
And please, no more about the stupid kid. I'm getting worried about it. Do you think I would be liable? It's not like I wrote The Hitman's Guidebook or something.
Shirley: Thanks for the compliments. Glad you got a kick out of it and I'll wear your "thumbs up" like a badge of honor. Thanks!
Hi Spryte! Thanks for fluttering by! (You do have wings, don't you?)
gwendymom: Hey, I'm gullible too!
Spryte: Wait a minute...you mean...but size DOESN'T matter, or as they say, it's not the size of the wave, but the motion of the ocean. Also, whenever a woman tells me that I was her best ever in the whole wide world and oh my god where did you learn that you sure know your way around a woman's body I must've c____ 27 times, well, I don't have any problem believing her. Of course, being a romantic, I say "It is not that I am a great artist, but that I paint on such a beautiful canvas."
Shades and Chris, I love you both! I am probably the most guillable person in the world, so don't feel bad. Shades is right, someone with a compelling voice can make you trust whatever they say, for instance my husband said trust me and I did, see what that has gotten me.
Say, gwendymom, that's how I got MY wife!
Sorry Christoph - I just received my warning from the Guild of Womanhood to say nothing further about our secrets. I can't afford to get kicked out of this the way I got kicked out of the Girls Scouts, so I promised not to say anything more.
Oh...well, I wouldn't want you to get kicked out of the Guild of Womanhood. Nevermind ME, who would rise to the position of Grand Poobah of the Brotherhood of Manly Men were I to uncover these secrets. Oh, no. Don't worry about ME.
Nah, your fine, man. Maybe a disclaimer at the very bottom or something just in case (like that great line from Biloxi Blues, "People will believe anything if someone took the time to write it down."). I probably only worked so hard to believe that core idea was true because I wanted to know how to do it for real. Don't make too much out of my retardation, lol. I came into it front-loaded to believe and even I didn't buy it hook, line and sinker. You certainly shouldn't delete it, everyone else is loving it without even having to blush. And I thought it was great too, beyond having tipped my gullibility cards a bit lol.
Hey, Shade: Thanks. I think I will put a little disclaimer in the thing at the end. I don't know what kind of story you are working on that you wanted this info., but in my research, I came across something that may give you an interesting angle. When penicillin was first invented, they went back looking for evidence of it's use in earlier history. In fact, they did find evidence that molds were used as a curative for a variety of health reasons - sort of an early penicillin, if you will. The link below will give you a brief overview. It seems the main problem with making it at home, is it has to be really pure and clean and devoid of other molds and organizisms (sp) so you pretty much have to be a scientist anyway, and you pretty much have to have a sterile lab to do it in, so it's not really practical. For some illnesses, penicillin has to be injected, so that's a whole 'nuther can of worms. Any way, check out the link.
You make it very difficult Christoph as the G. of W. doesn't really like the current Grand Poobah of B.A.M.M. LOL! (BAMM?) Unfortunately, some of my sisters are in disagreement as to whether or not you'd make a better one. They're asking for some "proof" of your commitment and loyalty to those that might aid you in your endeavors...
My dear Spryte: As the current president of the "Western Historical Apostlistic Mission" chapter of the Brotherhood Association of Manly Men (WHAM BAMM to you), I can assure you I would make a most benevolent Grand Poobah!
*consults with the team*
Sorry Christoph, they're having none of it...I tried. One of them thinks you might of the...one hit wonders...type of Grand Poobah. You know, get what you want and then get outa there?
or just go to mexico and buy it OTC. That's easier dont you think?
No, but it's a great place to pick up things that you will need to treat with your home grown penicillin. You remember the last time you were in Tijuana, don't you?
Christoph, but you could put Carmen Mirandi in the fridge, let her go mouldy (she's covered in fruit anyway) and grow penicillin on her. Actually I got a bit annoyed when you said that penicillin wasn't as shapely as Raquel Welch. You should see the penicillin I'M growing man. Phwoar!
CJ: It sounds like you have some mighty fine penicillin! Thanks for the comments!
Wow...this was a fantastic HUb. I just wish I knew about this back when I was a...umm..free spirit. Do you have any onformation on how to cultivate viagra from old ketchup packets?
Mr. funnebone: It is a pleasure to see you here. The first time I came across Hubpages, the first hub I read was one of yours. It was about introducing your stripper girlfriend to your parents. I have read many more since then, so thanks for stopping by and having a look at some of my stuff.
Now, to business: What are you? Some kind of super mystic? I am, in fact, conducting experiments nightly in this area, but to date have only met with limited success. The most promising results so far come from pulverizing smoked oysters, gensing, pickled horny toad skin, and a dash of rhinocerous horn powder. This is, of course, expensive as Rhino is endangered and the air fare to Hong Kong is killing me. I then inject this substance into the ketchup packet, which then interacts with tomato acid. I'll let you know when I have achieved the desired result (but not in person, as there may be a Jekyll and Hyde thing that I can't control).
Thanks for the comments!
Rhino Horn ( smacks forehead) here all this time I have been using Sprem Whale Sperm which by the way has a similar size and texture to oysters. Keep me up to date with any progress please.
Sperm Whale (smacks forehead)! Maybe if I combine....hmmm...I'll keep you informed, Dr. bone.
Wow...you really put a lot of work into this one. I can't say for certain, but I'm almost positive I've seen that refrigerator before. On one hand, I'm glad it wasn't mine, but on the other hand...I had no idea I could have made money off that moldy mess.
I have taken the liberty to improve the Tough Love program. Rather than having to fatigue myself on a weekly basis and seeing the delicate sound of my voice being wasted on my moldmine, I have put in an MP3-player that continuously plays the collected works of Mantovani at twice the speed and at full volume of course. As predicted this did have a soothing effect in the first 24 hours, but after that the stress definitely kicked in. You really should see the agonishy green color of the mold after three days.
I expect that other elevator music will have a similar effect.
talented ink: Thanks for the comments. Yes, you could make money! The next time you see that receptiplace, make an offer to the unsuspection rube. They have no idea the money to be made!
Ananta: I feel the glow that any good teacher feels when his student pays attention and takes what he has learned to new levels. You are the star pupil, and your dedication and hard work will have you knee-deep in mold!
Why thank you, Mr. Reilly!
I'll let you in on another trick I've got on my sleeve: I'm going to invite my mother in law! Applying stress should be taken seriously, don't you agree?
Yes, yes, of course, Mr. Ananta. However, the stress is supposed to be applied to the MOLD...not to you. You are due only accolades, Mr. Ananta.
I know, Professor Reilly :) Thanks to having this receptiplace installed, I can finally divert the stress to the mold, so there's a win-win situation here ;)
Make Money!!
Sure, it's a natural for serial marketing. I can see the licenses (at $99 each) pouring in!
Bud! That's the spirit! Thanks for leaving a comment!
I knew it, I knew it. I knew it, When I was 18 had the recepti thing I needed , bread, cheese , milk even the canta..water melon. All bubbling along nicely churning out mould like you would not believe?, went away to camp for 2 weeks. mum came round > I came home, the place sparkled.
I coulda been a millionare?????
Christoph I dips me lid!
Agvulpes: It is a sad story you tell, my friend. So often we are on the verge of fame and success only to have it ripped from out jaws just before we savor it's sweetness.
Thanks for dipping your lid. To you, I bows me head.
As James Stewart once said "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh"
As Jimmy Durante once said, "Ha cha cha cha cha."
As Harpo Marx wans said????? "Honk Honk"
I know Harpo did'nt say that did he.
Heh look mum I'm talking to myself!
I'm I just now answering this? Somehow it slipped through.
Yup, it grows on old bread shoved in the back of the bread drawer and forgotten, all by itself, quite nicely. And cheeses like blue carry the potential for it, big-time.
I'm one of those who are allergic to it, and so I've been told to stay away from moldy bread and blue-veined cheeses.
However, your set-up looks promising, because I could use some money (one man's poison is another's pleasure, right?). Think I'll try it, but wear a medical mask while spraying and delivering stress.
I'm so sorry Carmen Miranda is dead. Surely, she has a few devotees remaining? Do you have their email addies?
(This one was all about the performance, eh?)
Thumbs up!
Sally: Two Sally's in one day! It's a good day after all. As for poor, dear Carmen, yes, it's sad. Her memorial is on display at the Chiquita Bananna Headquarters, and I recommend everyone goes and see it. She did so much for the fruits of this world.
Thanks for stopping by and again for the extra, "beyond the call of duty" comment.
I keep insinuating Hub ideas in your direction, Christoph, because I so enjoy your style...so here goes again...how about a Hub called something like, *She did so much for the fruits of this world*? Maybe it's about Carmen, maybe it isn't, but I think the field is rich for mining.
BTW, TY for the thought behind the *beyond the call of duty* comment. But, you know, some people just simply engage; most don't. You do. From your Hubs to your comments.
So there.
Yes, I'm beginning to see it. "She did so much for the fruits of the world." It starts with Carmen Miranda, but somehow gets to Bette (The Devine Miss M) Midler, Babs (Like Butter) Striesand, and Liza (with a z).
Thanks for my super oxiginated dose of Sally today!
this shit did not work
Thank god for the warning at the end. I was ready to go home and have me a blue and green cheese sandwhich. Im a very gullable person though... so... thank god for the warning. lol. Thanks for the laughs as well ; )
I guess the guy before me didnt read to the end! Ooops! taha!
Yea. He sent me a nasty letter to my home, which I saved because it makes me happy. Thanks for tuning in.
Lord have mercy. I'd like to quote something you said on one of your other hubs...Well smear me with bear grease and throw me in a lion's den! :D
That's how much I love this one. Thank goodness Mellas found this and commented or I might not have seen it for a long time. Honestly, I'm going to have to take a whole weekend off from everything else and devote it to reading all of your hubs.
Okay, one of the things I appreciate most about your writing is how you can stretch the hell out of a subject and take it to levels I'd never dream of and make it seem so real and hysterical all at the same time. It's amazing. :)
You're even more hubalicious now. :)
Hi, Pam. Once again, you are too kind! I'm rather flabbergasted today, and then you come along and flabbergast me right out of the water! I'm afraid you're in for one boring, horrid weekend if you do as you propose. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
Still, your comments are so kind that I can't help but glow a little, you know? It means more to me than I care to admit, as it seems "needy" or something. But it is what it is and if it makes me feel good, so be it. it is always interesting to see an old, forgotten hub get a bit of a revival. For one thing, I usually take the opportunity to read the thing since I haven't in so long, and they are never good enough. I would go back and redo every single one if I had time.
Anyway, I babble on. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Coming from you it means a great deal to me. I'm hubalicious? I'm flattered. But you are the most hubalicious of them all, I was told by the mirror, mirror on the wall.
Aw, now you've gone and flabbergasted me. :D And you should know that my "flabber" doesn't "gast" very easily, so this is huge. lol! ;)
This is a hub more than worth being revived, and I plan to do a Christoph marathon in the near future.
Psst...just a heads up....I read your comment on the Dead Pool hub (you were hysterical as usual) and I thought you should know that Jerry Falwell is already dead. Yep. I only know this because I happen to live very close to Lynchburg which is where his University is. He also has an airport there. Hey, maybe we can pretend that it just happened! Yea, that's the ticket! ;)
Or were you referring to Jerry Jr? He is alive. :)
Uh...yea. Jerry Jr....that's what I meant. Is he an ass too? Damn. I just couldn't think of a 10th person. All the ones I wanted to use had already been used, and I wanted to use different people. Oh well. I'll probably be the first out of everybody to go anyway, so what the hell.
Gawd. Good luck on the Chris marathon. I tend to write "longish" you know, especially in the early days (what...about 4 months ago?) Yep, the olden days. Why, we had to use computers with only one pentium processor. Yep. Why there was a time when my computer was actually connected to the internet with a thing they called a modem. Swear to god I'm not making this up, only 20 megabytes of memory. Why you couldn't store any more than 50 gazillian photos on that old thing.
Thanks for stopping in and the tip off about Falwell.
Umm Yes Brilliantly written, Very Glad you added the disclaimer at the end.
mankdybeau: Sorry I'm so late in responding. Wasn't aware you had commented. Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you read the disclaimer. I wouldn't want you eating any mold with a spoon. It didn't work for me. In fact, it was icky, and I got pretty sick.
Thank you!
One serious comment: I generally like healthy food (fish,olive oil, tomato products etc) and LOVE BLUE CHEESE. i SUSPECT THAT THE PENICILLIN(weak as it may be) IN IT IS IN FACT DOING ME SOME GOOD; PLS NOTE THAT RECENT RESEARCH TIES LOW-LEVEL INFECTIONS(that pen attacks) TO ALL SORTS OF HEALTH PROBLEMS; eg heart attacks,strokes etc. Something to ponder
So, you're saying your a satisfied user of my program? Excellent! Mind if I use your testimonial in my advertising? Thanks!
I had forgotten all about this hub. That was some good times. I miss them.
Ahhhh...good times.
I got suckered in and sent this to my friends after only reading 3/4th of the way! Good thing I got bored and came back to read the rest and then the disclaimer..
Usama: Hopefully, your friends got a kick out of it. Thanks for writing.
"Let's get this party started" Awesome.
Hi Jackie: Thanks for checking this out. I also loved your website, funnynotslutty.com. I appreciate you astute comment. Thanks!
Have you considered the secondary market for fruit flies? When crushed the entire set of appendages can be used as sprinkles and serve to deliver quite a punch. Well written Chris and clearly well received.
Thank you so much for this enterprise idea; I have managed to collect a total of 403 fridges from assorted positons at the local dump and I am expecting to corner the market on coloured to order mo(u)ld. Affiliate agencies are available!
This biz compliments my Worm Farm perfectly!
Pearldiver: I wish you the best of luck in your business venture, which sounds like a clear winner to me. By the way, you can license my system for a mere 5% of your total profit. Thanks again!
I just discovered you; you present very enjoyable material. I'll be back.
Niteriter: thanks for reading.
I alomst fell for this. Hard to believe I was so gullible being I was in sales for so long. This is a great satire!
donotfear: That's about the nicest compliment I could receive. Thank you. Actually, the disclaimer was added later for exactly that reason: the question was raised that it might be taken seriously by some, which could be a very bad thing indeed if they acted on any of it. Thank you for taking the time to read and leave your nice compliment!
Hahah This was hilarious. I actually thought I might give it a go at the top of the article.
thaninja: Glad you liked it. So you're not going to give it a go now? Why not? Too complicated? It's not as difficult as it sounds. Give it a go! Thanks for the comment!
Because you've given me just the best opportunity to help the sick, I'm gonna share now, with you and everyone else reading, the ultimate cure for the lonely.
It's a simple bottling procedure involving a feint dust from chicken feathers and barley husks (combined in a mortar and pestle) that you mix in using urine collected by drunken males (the more aged, the better). Be careful to avoid administering cheap beers to the urine provider, especially those of the Mexican variety, as they can create an instability in the anti-solitarial compound.
I'm already making a fortune from this right here at home. Hey! I'm not just a doner, I'm also a provider! :D
Great read and good luck!
Christopher Dapo: Ultimate cure for the lonely? Sounds like a money maker to me! Where can I sign up? Thank you for filling me in on this incredible program. Of course, I'm getting rich making penicillin, but more money makes me even richer! Thanks!
Very interesting, Christoph. I'm looking at my fridge right now - and wondering ...
camlo: You can do it! Thanks for the comment!
neat
stars439: Thanks for the comment!
Excellent hub. I really had a good laugh over it and the disclaimer was great.
palmerlarryray: Thanks for reading and the comment. Thank you!
Marvellous Hub Chris, my refridgerator is already perfect for the job, with or without Carmen Miranda.
But I would point out that although Alexander Fleming, of course was British, more specifically he was Scottish :-)
Shinkicker: Thanks! It's nice when we find we are already equipped for a new money making venture. Thanks for the Fleming info - glad to set that straight. Thank you for the comment!
Golly, it is like discovering a favourite but long forgotten book for me. I just saw a comment on this hub and read it again with just as much enjoyment as the first time. Thanks for the further giggles Christoph :)
Misty: So glad you made it by...nice to see you. Hope you are well! Thanks for touching base!
Not doing too bad thanks Christoph apart from elbow surgery (covered in a humour hub I wrote if you fancy a read).Still writing steadily though. Hope you and your family had a great christmas and will have a fab New Year.
Misty: Sorry to hear about your elbow. Glad you are feeling better. Any kind of surgery is rather intrusive.
Wow! I thought the video bugs might be cockroaches, then put on my glasses and thought they were paramecium. Busy little dickens! And your AMPicillen was a hoot - I had to read it twice to 'get connected'.
Great humor in a ridiculous fun hub!
frogyfish: You're not the first that didn't get the amp joke the first time around. It is kind of obtuse. Thanks again for reading!
From the very first sentence. I started smiling from the very first sentence and ended up with my wife asking me why I was laughing so hard.
I was pointed to your site by one of your admirers and I am grateful to her for the favour (with a “u”, as I live in the UK). If I may, I shall become a loyal follower. Many thanks :-)
De Greek: Thanks so much. I haven't looked at this one for a long time so it was interesting to have a look at it. Certainly glad you enjoyed it. Thank you!
I have been tempted to utilize my icebox fridge in the manner you proposed. It has some delicious little moldy morsels attached to it. I feed them to my pigeons now and then and they do amazing tricks for me, higher than a kite after nibbling away. Bedpans in the hospitals with sticky brown stuff attached to them, is that considered tasteful, should a new menu be prepared by the orderlies, come get your bedpans and enjoy the delightful flavor of moldy crap. I think I will keep my depends on forever now and watch the mould/mold grow around them and watch with glee. Am I sick or what? damm you put nasty thoughts in this cowboy's brain. Loved the post, I rated it UPPPPPPP and away...you are a great story teller, I am your loyal fan going forward this day:0)))))))
Saddlerider1: Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I think you're way ahead of the curve, and an enthusiast such as yourself can make a horse-load of money by following my course.
Thanks again!
Thanks to De Greek, I found your hilarious hub --but before I had finished reading it, I bought a used refrigerator, a case of cantaloupes, and a couple of dirty bedpans, hoping I could make a fortune. Now what am I to do?
By the way, I love your style. I am going to start following you.
mysterylady 89: Well, it seems as though you are perfectly equipped to begin your cultivation of home-grown penicillin and saving lives. Simply follow the directions in this guide and you're well on your way.
Thanks for following me. You never know when I might write that home-made viagra article, currently in the test faze. It uses ingredients found around the house, such as used coffee grounds and minced ants (you know how industrious and busy they are), plus some secrets I cannot divulge at this time. I simply have to make it less effective than I have it so far. Honestly, 24 hours is too much!
I can hardly wait for your viagra article. Are you sure you want to make it less effective? 24 hours sounds pretty good to me!
mysterylady 89: It becomes fairly,um...uncomfortable. Even without the Viagra, I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "I can't do it anymore!" Like, 5 or 6 times is all they can take. Thanks for your concern.
I just have to say, I read the whole hub, every comment included, and enjoyed every minute of it.
I have to be honest, I got so excited about growing mold I nearly forgot I am allergic to penicillin. And sadly, my vintage amplifier vacuum tube has a hole in it. (We had a disastrous accident involving a mysterious black hole that somehow formed inside the vacuum, but I swear that was not MY fault.) Do you suppose my ampicillin will still form correctly without a vacuum, or do I need to purchase a new tube?
AC: I think you should purchase a new tube. It would be a shame to go through all the effort only to find it didn't work. I too am allergic to penicillin, and the vacuum tube works well. Just be careful you don't somehow do something to it that messes with the space/time continuum. I don't know how you got a black hole, but it worries me.
Thanks for your comment.
I have no problem getting into the penicillin business since anything antiseptic reminds me of brainwashing.
Petra: You must be psychic. How did you know I am currently working on a brainwashing solution made from an assortment of stuff you have around the house. I'll let you know when it's ready. Maybe you can slip some to that onld film star in Rome.
I found this while doing a Google search for information about penicillium. I'd like to suggest that you make it clear to readers that this article is a satire; maybe, to tip them off, you could write something funny.
Abject Cruelty: Now that's funny! There's a disclaimer. If you had a life, you might have seen it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please do not belief what this website is saying, it is totally unsafe to consume any form of Penicillium growth. Not all Penicillium species produce the antibiotics you receive from your chemists. Quite frankly, very few species can produce the antibiotics you seek, and not all of them are safe for consumption. Most of the Penicilliums species actually produce harmful toxins (example Patulen, orchratoxin A, and many more) which will have a negative effect on your health. I do not know who the person is who made these statements, but I can assure you that he is not a scientist, a medical doctor, nor has he done enough research to know what Penicillum is and what secondary metabolites produced by them are. Whomever you may be you are giving dangerous information that will lead to much more damage than good. Wikipedia for one is not a valid scientifically website, their information are prone to be incorrect. If you want valid information please go look at scientifically article or approved websites. Please do you research before you jump into anything. If you just type the toxin mentioned above into Google you will already find results.
Here are also some examples where you can find results:
- Dohlman, E., 2003. Mycotoxin Hazards and Regulations Impacts on Food and Animal Feed Crop Trade.
- Hye-Jeong, Y., Sang-Yong, L., Jin-Woo Jo, C., Jong-Chun, C. P., Joong-Ho, W., and Dong-Ho, K., 2006. Isolation and Characterization of Penicillium crustosum, a Patulin Producing Fungus, from Apples. Food Science and Biotechnology 15: 896-901.
- Vega, F.E., Posada, F., Peterson, S.W., Gianfagna, T.I., Chaves, F., 2006. Penicillium species endophytic in coffee plants and ochratoxin A production. Mycologia. 98:31-42.
No need for namecalling, but thank you for adding the warnings to the public above.
God bless.
Scientist to be" Thank you for your magnanimity. I have removed my offensive comment. It's unlike me to have written it in the first place.
Funny article, but someone actually posted real instructions on the manufacture of penicillin. But nothing on how to isolate just the helpful mutant from the cocktail. I was actually looking for an article on growing cephalosporins. No luck. I'll guess I'll have to go crawl around some Italian sewers. Or grow them synthetically. How boring it that?
gwendymom 3 years ago
God, I did not even know that my fridge is a goldmine! I am sure that I got enough penecillin in there to cure the world. I better contact someone about this immediatlely!