Rockinjoe Wants Me Dead
63
"The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter." - Dashiell Hammett
It was a morning like any other. Perhaps I was a little more irritated than usual but I don't remember why, because I look back on the day now and it is like a vague image viewed through a heavy London fog. With my cup of fresh, hot steaming Cuban coffee, I sat at my computer to check my email. Ah, the new issue of the HubPages newsletter had arrived. I opened the mail to find the Hubber of the Week was rockinjoe. Now I like rockinjoe. I think he's funny, smart and clever. Little did I know that reading that little email would send me on a downward spiral into the dark abyss of despair.
At first, the interview picked me up a little. He said some really nice things about me in the interview, and it was an honor that he even knew who I was, much less mentioned me. The kind words were elevating, raising me out of my funk, when I read this caveat: “He has got to go.” What? Go where? There was also this: “That is why I included him in my Celebrity Dead Pool.” Is that a hub? Somehow I had missed it. I was wary, the short hairs on my neck raised in warning, tingling with electricity. I went to the hub and read in amazement. No, it was shock. No, it was horror. Horror and despair. Ok, it was Horror and despair and wretchedness. Oh...Horror, despair, wretchedness, and despondency. Here's the dope: Rockinjoe wanted me dead.
"With the dope I got I think it fills me in pretty well." - Dashiell Hammett
You think I exaggerate? You think I jest? I do not. I have lurked around the misty alleys of HubPages gathering evidence. I have hacked into the HubPages master computer and accessed Top Secret files. Oh, yes, I have undeniable proof which I present to you now. As if this information wasn't enough to rip out my soul, I also learned that my so-called HubPages friends—ha!--thought it was funny. They thought it was hysterical. They were laughing at my imminent demise.
Here is the evidence I uncovered on the hub 2009 Celebrity Dead Pool. First up, a partial list of the 10 people Joe most wants dead. Note my appearance at number six.
4. The Sham-Wow Guy (TV Pitchman)
5. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (President of Iran)
6. Christoph Reilly (US Hubber-Note: He’s funny, articulate and a gifted writer. He has to go!
7. Bill O’ Reilly (Fox News Icon)
Murderer's Row
"Feed the lettuce to the bunny and eat the bunny." - Dashiell Hammett
Don't be confused by the “funny, articulate and gifted” business. This is subterfuge. If you are planning on murdering somebody, you don't go around publicly bad-mouthing them. No. You go around saying nice things about them. This is akin to running through a stream to throw off the hounds. It doesn't work with hounds and it doesn't work with me.
Well, I was crushed. But my emotional devastation was just beginning. Next came my friends. People I cared about. People I thought cared about me. But NOOOOooooo! Read on MacDuff, the facts are there. The sickening, inarguable facts:
Shirley Anderson says:
That's terrible news about Christoph Reilly! I thought maybe kidnapped, death wasn't even a consideration (honest, officer!).
rockinjoe says:
As far as Cristoph, I believe a slip and fall is in order. Quick and painless. Plus, I'll be a million miles away when it happens.
Shirley Anderson says:
Good planning, you've thought about this! Re Christoph, I assume you intend total HP domination after his demise?
rockinjoe says:
Hi Shirley. Now you know too much. Be careful:)
Oh, my. My Canuck friend, in on the whole plot, which thickens with each new post: Next exhibit, the person doesn't actually join in on the fun, but neither does she warn me of the growing conspiracy. She notes that the plot exists, but then goes on her merry way:
pgrundy says:
Wow, I'm glad I'm not on the list. Let's see...
She goes on to name the 10 people she wants dead. Mercifully, I am not on her list. Who's up next? Batter up!
Mighty Mom says:
I am devastated at the thought our own Christoph Reilly might not make it through 2009. Please, Pepe -- step away from the bucket! I repeat. Whatever you do, do NOT kick the bucket!
Notice she warns my alter-ego, Pepe, but she does not warn me. Pepe is a character I created. Pepe does not exist. She warned a phantasm...but not the real me. Well, I've got news for you, sweetheart. When I go, Pepe goes with me. Hey! I'm still breathing. Who wants to finish me off?
sheenarobins says:
My family thinks I'm half crazy facing my computer and reading this hub. I laughed at Christoph Reilly on the list. lol hahahahahahha
Oh, yea Sheena, lol hahahahahahaha my dead body! The desire to kill me has spread across the world, even to the Philippines. She seemed so sweet and innocent, but she is a murderous wench. I wasn't finished yet. I gasped for air. Unfortunately, they were not done either. The next was perhaps the biggest blow of all. My dear friend. At first, her response was promising. Ha. False smiles and crocodile tears.
gwendymom says:
Ok, I am hoping that Christoph Reilly will not die anytime soon, but if he goes I think it will [happen] with an overdose of oxycontin when someone is trying to date rape him.
I sat there...stunned. Silenced. Even gwendymom was going to slip an overdose of oxycontin in my morning coffee. It's like rockinjoe was Charles Manson and these were his mindless followers. Which one was Squeaky Fromme?
Uncovered: Rockinjoe's Stand-up Act
"You've got to look on the bright side, even if there ain't one." - Dashiell Hammet
Blinking back tears, I typed the following:
Christoph says:
Ok. I take everything I said on the other hub back. Everyone is getting such a kick out of my pending death (though the slip and fall is a good idea--no one would think twice about it.) What I find truly amazing, is none of my friends (Ha! What a laugh!) told me about this. You'd think one person would say, "Hey, my real and not virtual friend Christoph, you might want to mosey on over to rockinjoe's hub where they are talking about offing you. But nothing. You know, it would be a simple matter to sneak into where you were performing and drop a Fresnel on your head.
rockinjoe says:
Cristoph, is it any wonder why you made The 09' Dead Pool? You come in here using $2 words like "Fresnel" *that I had to look up, by the way) . How embarrassing that was for me. And your Hub friends didn't say anything, because they secretly want you to drop the radio in the bathtub while you're bathing. At least I was honest enough to come out and say it.
The roof might fall in; anything could happen." - Dashiell Hammett
I couldn't breathe. I went outside and sat on the porch, struggling to suck air into my lungs. What was I going to do? Where could I go? But then I had a thought. Don't run, you lilly-livered, quivering, side-show tough guy! Expose them! Show the world their evil plans! I set to work with a renewed vigor. First I scoured HubPages for clues, but was coming up dry. Finally I came across Joe's hub If Hubtivity Told Us Everything. It was funny, hysterical in fact, brilliantly conceived and flawlessly executed. But there was something wrong with it. Something altered. Something hidden.
I went in search of the original document. This required hacking into HubPages computers in San Francisco. I tried getting into the computer using Paul Deeds' account, but his brain was too complex which would be mirrored in his pass code. I tried Maddie Ruud's, entering the code HAWT, but it was no use. I then tried Ryan Hupfer. I entered the code AWESOME. Bingo! I was in. It took hours, but I finally uncovered the original Hubtivity document altered by rockinjoe. I was dumbstruck.
I could not believe my eyes. This was enough evidence to expose them all. This was enough evidence for the FBI to pinch them for Conspiracy to Rub Out a HubPages Author. I have it stored on a secret page, accessible only via the link below. Take a look now while there is time. It will self-destruct in 24 hours.
For the original Hubtivity document cleverly altered by rockinjoe, go HERE, if you dare! What the Hubtivity REALLY said. You've all been exposed!
"It's sometimes better to pretend I don't hear the sound of somebody in the woods with a shotgun." - Dashiell Hammett
So, they are exposed as the murderers they are, but still I cannot rest. Not until each and every one of the depraved are in the Federal pen for life. I'll never forget my first glimpse of this world of horror, when everyone was amused at my impending demise. I imagined them passing bottles of champagne over my corpse. Me. Dead! Oh, how it haunts me.
I haven't slept. I dare not close my eyes. When I do, I dream evil dreams. I dream of a pack of Hubbers with vampire teeth dripping crimson in my closet. I dream of 20 rockingjoe's under my bed with knives, guns, swords, poisons, garrotes, voodoo dolls, and nooses. Oh....the dreams...horrible....horrible dreams.
Famous Murderer's, Real and Imagined
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That's some pretty solid evidence! I'm sorry to see you go! I was just getting to know you! ;)
Theresa: I saw it (I was there spying). Not really, didn't have time to leave a comment but I'm going back, but I can tell you that none leapt to mind. I'll have to think about it. I doubt it will be a show tune. I'll let you know!
Thanks for coming by!
justmesuzanne: Not if I get them first! We have plenty of time. Thanks for the comment.
Christoph
It's good that you know which hubbers want you dead but you unfortunately have missed out on the hubbers who are actually doing the dirty job - yep, killing you softly and it appears you do not have the slightest idea. The "fanners" - death by extreme agitation! :D
oops!
Just to warn you Christoph...Joe (realizing that I live close to you) contacted me, offering money if I could "rub you out". Shocked, I refused. I will not give another man a hand job for any amount of money! Now I realize that he meant for me to kill you, not digital manipulation of your penis. I may get back with Joe and take him up on the offer. Sorry man, I need the money.
cris: Yea, but since you've taught me how to give them the bum's rush, they no longer bother me. I'll be forever in your debt. Oh, yeah, used the filter on picture search for the first time, so thanks for that too (although I selected large, and I should have gone extra large, but now I know.) Thanks for the commen?t.
ajcor: oops? oops what?
Imadork: Try it at your own peril! Heck, I'll kill myself before that happens. Thanks for the comment, I guess. Nice to know to be on the lookout anyway.
So now i take it that you owe your life to me? LOL but i am afraid there's nothing I can do to help you out with the other hubbers' wishful thinking! :D
Sorry, buddy. I've been kinda busy. I was just about to warn you, when you published this hub. I just couldn't go on if a hubber whose writing is superior to my own were silenced! Maybe he doesn't really want you dead. Could he possibly be anticipating another mishap with matches? The way I hear it, you're somewhat famous for that.
cris A: I wouldn't go that far. Besides, I'm prepared for them. Lot's of weapons and ammo. Bring it on, suckers!
B.T. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can do without the sarcasm, too. What if I were to tell you that somebody just purchased several traps...the clamping-shut jaw type, with teeth...you know the ones? And I know who it is....
You are no match for my ninja-like skills Reilly! Cahokia...here I come.
Maybe I'm just desensitized, because there's ALWAYS someone trying to kill me. It really doesn't impress me anymore. I'm far more cautious of people wanting to be my friend! They are either completely lacking in judgement, or up to something.
But surely you noticed that I did not get involved in the conspiracy. That's a dangerous game, that always ends with comeuppance.
G'day Chris, have you read the Hub where rockinjoe wants you er.... "erased".
( hmmm possibly a bit late but at least I did warn him).
btw you won't need it any more, so can I please have your hat.
I have always held you in high esteem as a writer.
How would that sound in your notice?
Christoph, have no fear, I am here on my white charger to protect you against all who come against you!!
I like the new avatar. So you don't have a toad on your head after all, or is that what the filter was all about? Don't worry about an early demise, I'm top of his list and I ain't dead yet.
On the bright side, you already had your epitaph written. I'm pretty sure I saw it on another of your hubs. Money well spent, I'd say.
Hi Christoph,
I'm sorry that I didn't warn you about the upcoming peril. I thought you were dead already. It brought a thankful tear to my eye to read that you're alive. You've made my day. Now, is there anything I can do for you at your funeral? Can someone personally contact me and leave me the whens and wheres, in case I miss this also?
Cindy, are you taking the charger with you? I hope it can swim. Or do you mean the one you used to keep your vibrator up to speed? I thought it went into the charity bin as well?
Imadork: I fear your ninja-like skills not. When you arrive, I will pop the original Mad Max into the CD player, get out a case of beer on ice, and you'll forget all about your mission. Are you old enough to drive on I-70? It's kind of dangerous you know.
B.T. Good point. I should have thought of that. I did notice that you did not join in. That is why you were set free on the hubtivity page (if you followed the link, surely you saw it.) I'm afraid your roommate did not fare so well.
Ag: Oh, yes. Thanks for the warning. How nice of you to warn me in such a timely fashion. I'll be buried with my hat, but thanks for your interest. Actually, thats good for the notice though....hmmm....maybe I can spare the hat.
I have a Class A CDL beeyaatch! I drive like the wind blows.
Misty: Thanks, but although I know you did not join the conspiracy, I DID see your name on the new Hubtivity. Mighty suspicious if you ask me.
TOF: Thanks for the avatar support. No, the wart is actually on my butt.
BT: True. It will be handy indeed. Good thing I actually had those tombstones made for the pictures. Just need to haul it out of the garage.
Benson: Actually, I've already left instructions to contact you concerning the autopsy, as the death is sure to look suspicious. Particularly look for obscure poisons, please. Thanks.
Imadork: Whichever way you blow, huh?
Thanks for clearing that up for me CR, then isn't putting a contract on you a form of self destruction?
oops relates to the fact that rockinjoe's secret is well and truly out! but I am most glad to see that the notice has not become fact ...but in case your early demise should disastrously occur - wouldn't that be your boots you leave on rather than your hat? just a small question - ignore if you so choose....
Ah, as Danny Kaye said ""The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true!" "
TOF, I have many kinds of chargers, and this one has four legs and neighs!
Christoph, I am hurt by your mistrust of my intentions, I only have your safety at heart!
TOF: You lost me there.
ajcor: Oh, THAT oops. Well, as you can see in my avatar, I am no longer sporting a hat or boots. Besides, the undertaker would just steal them off me anyway.
Ag: I'll be watching my chalices, vessels, pestles and true brews too, thanks.
Misty: Should have known. How could I have jumped to such a conclusion. Please forgive me. And yes, I can use all the help I can get. When can I expect you and your mighty steed?
So Chris you still feeling OK ? Not just a little bit squeamy?
You had better watch yourself, Chris. Misty has been pretty friendly with rockinjoe, of late. Does she sound just a little too innocent?
Cindy, is that the Democratic anti-Obama rescue package vote?
Ag: What: Has someone doctored my beverage already? Scuse me, I have to go induce vomiting.
BT: Good point. You're suggesting it's the proverbial trap? Hmmm. Yes. Trust no one! After all, the bottom line is hundreds could have warned me, and none did. Thanks for the advice.
I'm just saying she could be a double agent. I'm just watching your back.
I've heard all truly gifted authors are extremely paranoid.
and to add ...great artists truly temperamental...
B.T. Ok, watch my back. Just not too closely.
Rockinjoe: Your not paranoid if they're really out to get you.
ajcor: Don't I seem angry enough? I'll have to work on that.
B.T. Ok, watch my back. Just not too closely.
Rockinjoe: Your not paranoid if they're really out to get you.
ajcor: Don't I seem angry enough? I'll have to work on that.
that would another oops - no no please not the angry man... lol..
How's that go again?
I really have been working too hard - totally missed the conspiracy. But now that you've exposed this murderous plot, I promise to be a community watch volunteer. Shameful, just shameful, for anyone to even suggest the demise of Christoph Reilly! Thanks for the LOL!
ajcor: Ok. I'll keep it zipped. No screaming hissy fits.
TOF: I don't know. Hum a few bars.
Dineane: Finally, someone I know is not part of the conspiracy...unless they've gotten to you when I wasn't looking. Uh...thanks for the comment and calling them shameful, which they are. Notice none of the Manson girls have shown up. I've got my eye on you too, just in case!
My friends and I would greatly appreciate your deleting this hub as soon as possible
RJ's Lawyer:
When you say friends, do you mean "friends of yours" or "friends of ours"?
Listen to me, you two-bit mail-order shyster! Your client (or cult leader) has openly threatened me. All of the evidence has been turned over to the FBI, CIA, SS, AAA, metropole, the Mounties, and yo mamma. Thbtbrtbtbtbt!
Hi, I'madork. You know...friends. Associates, buddies. We're all friends here.
Thank you,Mr.Reilly. I'm offering you another chance to delete the hub, on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. With all due respect and all that....
RJ's lawyer: Ah, I have fine memories of your daughter. Gave her a canneloni with meat balls once. She liked it I think...came back for seconds.
At least leave Squeaky...I mean Shirley and the other girls alone.
My sturdy white steed and I shall be there when you call us, a bit like a female "Zorro". My inentions are noble, and Hubpages would never be the same without you, (although I still miss your hunky avatar)!
rockingjoe: Ok. If squeaky doesn't touch me...I don't touch squeaky.
Misty: I will call as soon as I am in need. There will be the matter of the lie detector and the truth serum, but after that, we're good to go.
No Probs, am more than willing to pass your tests to prove my worth :)
I'm looking forward to it. Say, who is that girl in the second picture on the virgin hub? I've seen that picture recently and I can't remember where.
Do you mean the one below my second picture on the hub Christoph?
Right under your hawt picture. Sitting down with legs spread, but pulling her clothes down to hide her naughty bits.
(((((Christoph)))))) I have a cape that can make you invisible so no one can find you and carry out their plot, but please don't tell anyone!
You know something Cindy? I'm truly disappointed in you. Where the heck are you going to hide Christoph in Guernsey? He doesn't even speak the language.
Oooooh a fight - I like!
Christoph - I may look sweet and innocent but I do not want you dead - YET :D we want some blood and gore before the end!!!
Christoph, I'll come bach here to read this properly once I'm settled down in Dublin, for now suffice it to say it's best you start thinking of that SONG, just in case! Laugh!
....er...as in requeim Elena?? :D
Violet Sun: Ala Harry Potter, eh? I'll take it. I'll take two. I think you better get under the cape with me to show me how to use it. Hermoine did! Thanks for the comment.
Rockinjoe: Who says we'll be in Guernsy? Maybe we'll be in Tenerife with the Bard, or Paris with Princessa, or London with London girl, or with Shalini in...er, no, she wants blood...maybe thats what Elena is doing in Dublin, the land of my forefathers. Ever think of that? Maybe I'm meeting Elena in Dublin. Ha! You and the Manson girls will never find me...but I'll find you! I'll drop a Fresnel on your head.
Shalini: You want blood? I'll give you blood. Joe's and the Manson girls' blood. And Elena is referring to her new hub about picking one song for one's own funeral. i have yet to think of one.
Elena: Trying to think of a song is driving me bonkers! You already took the best one, not that I would have thought of it either! How about Dirty Work by Steely Dan? Kind of works. "I don't want to do your dirty work, no mooorrrrreee." I can't believe you're in Dublin! I'm so jealous!
By the way, Rockinjoe. You call me paranoid. I saw that on your website interview of Hullebecq, you answered everyones comment but mine. Yes. This is not imagined. A deliberate snub. I know. I have had it done to me before.
"Murdering hubbers is no longer allowed or encouraged as a sport or pastime" should be written in the hubpages rules immediately to prevent this rockinjoe and his "bit on the side" girlfriend from planning and executing (sorry bad choice of word) this horrifying waste of hubbery. Christoph Reilly is no worse than some other people or so I was told. If he goes mediocracy goes with him.I for one will not stand or sit by and let this happen without enjoying it.
From now on I'm only going to read your hubs when I'm armed with a box of tissues and adult diapers. I never know if I'm going to cry or soil myself from laughing so hard.
It was awesome to see your detective skills in action. Fine set of skills you got there for sure. I see that you've had to change your avatar picture to conceal your identity, but I think it's too late. You may have to consider going under the witness protection program. ;)
Can I just touch on the things that made me pee myself? I mean if I had to go to the trouble of changing my clothes numerous times, then you can at least know why right? :D
1. The wanted poster. I love what you wrote under the picture...Just Dead. LOL!
2. Rockinjoe's stand-up revealed as the Unknown Comic. OMG! Way too funny!
3. The extra big dose of drama you added to describe your emotions. Very nice! Overacting really is called for sometimes. ;) Again, hysterical!
4. The hubtivity you so masterfully hacked and brought forth for us all to read for ourselves. :D
Um about that hubtivity...those agents have no respect for heaving bosoms and the art of fake french seduction. That my friend is an art, but they didn't understand it at all. What a night. :D
I'm missing some stuff, but I'm out of time. You are indeed a Prince. :)
Just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't after you....
Would it be unduly pedantic to point out the error in "Mary Queen of Scots - Bloody Mary"?
Mary, Queen of Scots, was the first cousin once removed of Mary Tudor, AKA Bloody Mary, daughter of Henry VIII and Queen of England 1553 to 1558.
Christoph - Now I read the hub and I admit, rather shamelessly, that I am rolling on the floor laughing like there's not tomorrow –which may be the case for you, amigo, since that Hubtivity kinda of proves someone (not naming names, in case a finger gets pointed at me!) has been stacking up on metal! Ay ay ay, this is hysterical!
How about if you borrow My Way, seems you may be needing it before I do ---shit, I gotta find some wood to knock on now!
Dublin is frigging cold today, looks like heavens are about to break loose with rain. Then again, it was snowing heavily in Madrid when I left, so I guess I kinda traded one misery for another! Beer is good, though! BESOS!
My poor Christoph... you know you can always come and hide here in France. We could enjoy some champagne and oysters while they are all looking for you ;-)
Having only been here at HP for one week I wonder how I ever survived without all you crazy bastards!!!
FANTASTIC hub Chirstoph!!!
This is the first I am hearing of an evil plot against you. Personally, I am very upset! If I didn't live so far away, I would be willing to work as your bodyguard. I may be small, but I am very quick, and devious.
earnestshub: Thanks for stopping by and having a read and helping yourself to various nic-nacs which I saw you stuffing into your pockets. You're right about the rules being re-written to prevent this sort of behaviour, but you needn't worry about me: I am not nearly defenseless as I pretend to be--a bit of my own subterfuge to lure the evil ones out into the open. Now, Mr. Ernest, you are a little too ernest in your assertion that I am mediocre and you have now been added to the list that is going to the FBI (friggin bastard ingrates).
Pam: I shall be more than happy to send you a case of kleenex (the kind with the lotion in them for raw, crusty noses) for I could not bear you not reading my hubs simply because of a tissue shortage. The very notion is absurd.
Yes, my detective skills came in very handy as I lurked along the trash strewn allyways of HubPages disguised as Swifty the agent. I saw many murderers, theives, prostitutes, and I think I even saw Chi Chi watching me from an upstairs window, and there were also ruffians who were NOT connected to HubPages.
Thank you for the list of things that make you pee and I will try not to be the cause of your involuntary urination. I will include some Depends with the tissue which should be some comfort, and I'll try not to write stuff that precipitates this condition: I guess the hub I was working on, Your Hand in Warm Water while You Were Sleeping, will have to wait until such time as your situation is remedied.
Thanks for coming by, my one true friend who did not join the conspiracy to kill me. I shall never forget it!
Yours forever,
John Doe
What an amusing hub but it wouldn't be so amusing if it was for real. At least we can pretend paranoid now...LOL
But seriously I wish you and pepe have a long long life so that you both could entertain all of us here at hub pages. Your presence is the cause of existence of many of us here (at least I really look forward to your company).
P.S: If rockinjoe is ever really out to get you then you could certainly do with some proactive containment of threat (i.e., disabling his network or rendering him personally incapable of hurting you)..LOL
LondonGirl: Thanks for the note re: Mary Queen of Scots. Obviously, someone in my research department was not on the ball and they will be fired. I'll make a correction when I get a chance. Thanks
Elena: Always a highlight in my day when you appear, whether from Spain, Dublin, or Borneo. I may, in fact, have to borrow your My Way if I don't come up with something soon. Hmmm...how about the song, Bonnie and Clyde?
Ahh, Beer in Dublin. Guiness no doubt? Reminds me of my childhood when me mum used to push the stroller down to O'Flannagannabananahans Pub for a wee touch. She'd always filled me bottle with a half-pint of the dark stuff.
I know it's difficult for you being away from me and you're finding it hard to enjoy yourself, but try to forget about me and have some fun
Yawn! Good morning everyone. Here I am, fresh awake at the crack of 2:18pm EST (US) and I see where Mr.Reilly is still a bit paranoid.
earnesthub. I can understand the rule about killing other hubbers being written into the rules, but it wouldn't apply in my case. I have no plans to kill Mr.Reilly. All I basically said is, "it's time for him to go" He's been placed in a Dead Pool. If he should perhaps fall asleep at his desk some evening and accidentally nod off on top of his Bic comfort grip pen and pierce his jugular vein, how is that my fault?
Forget about Princessa offering you shelter in France, Christoph. I can understand the allure of free champagne and oysters, but let's face the facts. The French don't like pyros. Especially American ones.
Anna Marie? Et Tu?
Its bad enough associating me with a mass murderer like Charlie Manson, but there is no way I'm going to sit back and let you compare me to Murray Langston (aka, the Unknown Comic) That's just way below the belt....even for you, Chuckie, Baby.
Thanks Princessa: You are indeed a princess! I am checking into airline tickets even as we speak. I'll let you know by private email if I am coming...please keep it a secret as the hubs have ears! Thanks for stopping by and your generous offer, which could very well save my life.
LisaStar: I know! When we all gather at the secret HubClub at night, we often say, "I wonder how that new gal...what's her name...oh, yes, LisaStar, ever got along without us, crazy bastards that we are." Anyway, with just a few more months and lots of ass kissing, you too will be downing pints with us at the HubClub! You're off to a great start in the ass kissing department, which you can never over do. Thanks for stopping by, and remember, we have our collective eye on you...You Show Great Promise!
Anna: Fortunately, you were MIA and was not tempted with bribery and false promises to join their illegal endeavor. Thank you for your offer of protection which I very well may need. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Oh, and Jeopardy! I had said I expected it to be one of my moron days, and that would have been an improvement! Damn, it's fast and I, apparantly, am not.
Countrywomen: Thank you for your kind words and the value you place on my life. You, and you alone, are above reproach and suspicion. I should like you to teach me how to accomplish this "disabling of networks," as it sounds like a valuable bit of knowledge, handy in many annoying situations!
Thanks you for your words of wisdom.
Joe: You forget that Princessa is not, herself, French. Besides, I have my Marcel Marceau disguise and I know a thing or two about mime, so I'm sure I'll fit in as I fight the wind, live in a glass box, walk without going anywhere, and following complete strangers on the street as I mock them.
I'll have you know that, at least at the time, I thought the Unknown Comic was hysterical: He made old, bad jokes funny again. Chuck Barris as the straight man doesn't hurt.
Chrisoph.. There's a secret HubClub that I haven't been invited too? Dang, whose ass do I have to kiss to get in THAT door?
Sheesh - you crazy bastards have been holding out on me :P
And um, thank you for appreciating my fine ass kissing so far. LOL
I've been thinking about this, Chris. Is it possible that Joe may have mistaken you for Christoph Rielly? I know that I've done it a time or two. Maybe he really wants Rielly dead.
In case you've forgotten, the resemblance is uncanny. Here's a memory refresher http://hubpages.com/profile/Christoph+Rielly
LisaStar: Well, kissing everyones who is in the gang is usually the way to go, but B.T. Evilpants' is a requirement: I'm told it's warm and fuzzy and it tickles and it's good luck too, so it couldn't hurt.
B.T.: Yet, B.T., it did occur to me, especially when Joe was saying the nice things, I thought he must be talking about someone else, and the imposter hillbilly you have linked to came to mind. I found no evidence to support this theory, however, and so must still take preventative measures. Thanks for trying to straighten this mess out. It's a shame for us all to have a falling out like this.
Australia is a fair distance Christoph and your personal safety is the absolute key here - btw while you are here you could pay ag the $10 he was referring to back on RJ's hub....then you could go outback and fearlessly feast on bush tucker - mud crabs, witchety grubs and the like ...make your flight from the dreaded "D" word worthwhile - stylish not mediocre!
Christoph or is it Pepe, Anyway whosoever it is at the moment all I would say about "disabling of networks," is that you need to find out who the enemy of our enemy is (Does "she loves.." ring a bell) then pally with them to plot behind the scenes and in front of the scenes be friends with his best pals (Pgrundy, GT, Cris A and so on) then spread (mis)INFORMATION aka Chinese whispers to distance him from his support group. I guess you or at least Pepe is smart enough to take the hint!!
P.S: Your life is our life. To the world you maybe "Christoph" but to me you are the "World"
Signed,
Your Eternal Fan/Well Wisher.
ajcor: Thank you for the invitation to come to Australia. I would very much like to. I have never been, but my father did and he fell in love with the place...wouldn't stop talking about it. I know the Ag. comment you are referring, but I haven't a clue what $10.00 I supposedly owe him. In fact, he owes me a lesson in removing backgrounds on pictures with the program GIMP, which he promised but never delivered. So, I shall arrive with an extra 10 dollars American, which should be worth something like .50 cents Australian, so we will have fun on the old town tonight! Thanks.
Countrywomen: Ah, I see. This is, I believe, the kind of trick that a female is born with instinctivly. I will take the spreading of misinformation under serious consideration and employ only if necessary. Thanks for your support. I may very well owe you my life!
I'm rolling on the floor laughing again and this time it's on account of the profile BT, err, unearthed! Laugh! Well, it's MOSTLY it's BT's fault --the rest of the comments also have something to do with this fit of the major giggles that's attacking me!
I see your father had good taste Christoph -so without there being any implication of a Banana Republic currency in your words the amount in aussi dollars would be a grand $15.70...Macca's anyone?
Must be the New Belgium 1554 I just snarfed that sent me into this alternate Hub universe. My kids warned me off the stuff, but I didn't believe them. Maybe a Snyder's Old Tyme Pretzel will clear my head. Maybe two..
Chris I can hardly believe this. Rockinjoe wants you dead? That's surely a typo. Maybe he wants you READ, or AHEAD? In any case, if it is true you could always hide out here in Sussex. You'd like Brighton, and we've lots of theatres, and even opera houses.
The hiding from rockinjoe list grows and spreads ever wider - you'd better buy a "round the world " ticket for yourself Christoph!
Christoph/Pepe- Do what is most important to you. Btw my parents have a safe house in India which is located right on the beach (if you like sun, sand and coconut water) then you are welcome to take refuge their till rockinjoe's threat is minimized.
Sounds like you are off on your world tour then Chrstoph LOL, lucky you, free accommodation throughout as well :)
Sorry, can't help you with the picture on my hub of the semi-naked girl hiding her 'bits'. I don't know who it is, I just found it by searching for "Virgins" online.
Hey Joe, we speak English here in Guernsey, even though we are just off the coast of France. Only the 'nearly dead' agegroup still speak an old style of patois or Guernsey French.
ACK!!! Christoph could have been whacked and I would have been utterly useless in saving him (although I would have suspected Rockinjoe right off the bat...it's those shifty eyes...and the hub...which I never read until I read yours). Soo....
I'm astounded that so many would revel in your demise though...Gwendy, pgrundy, MightyMom??????? Tsk!!
Might I suggest a tactical counterattack, Chris? I'll be happy to join the forces of good...just let me know what time to be there and what type of cookies everyone wants.
Elena: You are referring to that article claiming I stole their hub. The backwoods writer is actually Shadesbreath. He's not here too much lately. He says he'll be back. He's great writer and really funny. You should read something of his when you get a chance. CIAO!
ajcor: $15,75? Wooo, I'm rich!
Storeytellersareus: It's aaaaahhhhllll a dreeeeeaaaam. Juuusst a dreeeeeaaaam.
Countrywomen: You father's place on the beach sounds great. I like sun, sand, and coconut is my favorite vegetable! When can I go?
Misty: Thats it! The word "virgins" reminded me. She is the girl who is auctioning off her virginity on ebay. I'm not kidding. I think her auction might currentlly be going on. Starting price, 1,000,000. Not kidding.
Spryte: A pleasant surprise! Yes. Shocking, isn't it. You are one of the few who can understand how this made me feel, deep inside.
I appreciate your offer of helping in my defense, and your magical powers come in handy during a fist fight. Thanks so much.
ROFLMAO!!!!!
Really CR, you can't hold that against me. I did say that that I hope you don't go anytime soon. I wasn't the one who name you first and I had to cover my ass just in case you know. Itt's all about the points baby. I'm really competitive, sorry.
Gwendymom: Are you? Are you really? I'm glad. Because the next time I'm ROF I'll probably be DEAD!!!!
I know how you competitive are, Gwendy, but geeez...poison my coffee???? I don't know if I can forgive you. You ripped a hole in my heart and I've already patched it up with duct tape.
CR, you know I still love you.
This was hilarious, I laughed so hard, I really did have to go to the bathroom.
Duct tape works wonders doesn't it. Really I figured if you had to go you might like going by being date raped.
Yea...that part was sweet. Killed with a kiss. I suppose it's not a bad way to go. Glad you found it funny, but am at a loss as to why you find it so, as it is quite serious.
Duct tape does have many uses. Right now I have my home bobbytrapped, mostly involving duct tape to some degree.
The detective work you performed was great, glad you found Rockinjoes alter ego, and the hubtivity document, dang, you're good. I'll try not to cross you again.
Hey Chris, would Rokinjoe accept a sacrifice instead? Any second-cousins thrice removed you wanna get rid of? A pound of flesh you're not using?
Its just too sad to bear thinking about (sob, sob). Although it wouldn't be the same without you, we would eventually...sigh...adjust.
PS. I bag the Human Torch secrets! Don't take them with you!
Christoph, I am deeply hurt and offended that you deliberately misread my comments in the original Rockinjoe 2009 Deadpool hub. I think it's pretty clear to any sane person that I was expressing total shock at the idea of you dead -- or wished dead by anyone. Do you honestly think I don't know the difference between you and my loyal cabana boy/masseuse Pepe? Did you not recognize my desperate under-the-radar attempt to warn you by saying "Pepe" instead of Christoph? I did this to put RJ and the Mansonettes off the track. Shhh...!
Well, the whole sordid plot is out in the open now. Looks like you have several offers of safe haven around the world. Good for you. Meantime, I must urgently suggest that you lay off the absinthe -- or whatever is causing this extreme paranoia. I also worry that you've worked yourself up into a lather. This cannot be good for your blood pressure. Be careful that you don't inadvertently give yourself a heart attack!
Did I sound too eager? Sorry.
I should have said, 'please' may I have the Human Torch secrets.
gwendymom: My years of P.I. work came in handy. I don't exactly like the sound of your word, "try." In this case, there is no "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Because I will be no more, so you can't "try" again. So please get it right the first time.
Lifebydesign: That's a good idea. I'll ask him. I've got a cousin thrice-removed in mind for the position. As for you adjusting to my unexpected (or is it expected?) demise, you are so brave. But you will not adjust. You will try, of course, but your life will be shattered. I wish there was something I can do...sorry. I'll try to live, of course.
Hey Cristoph. I have an idea. Why don't you hire Kevin Costner to protect you and then maybe sing that "I Will Always Love You" song to us.
spryte. Shifty eyes? To quote Virgil Sollozzo from The Godfather, "I am the hunted one"
Oh and Cindy, I know you speak English in Guernsey, but Christoph speaks American English and if you were to hide him out there and he wanted to continue writing, he'd have to add the letter "u" to some words (like humour vs. humor) and it would really mess with his head to do so. Plus he'd probably drop a match on the island.
Christoph! What a surprise! You're looking well. You know I was framed, right? Yeah, and I was coerced. And threatened. Drugged, uh-huh. In fact, that wasn't even me, I had my identity (and mind) stolen. Luckily, I have it back now.
It's okay, you got even - you enlarged that horrible pic to make even worse.
Glad you're still kickin'! Gotta go, somebody at the door.
P.S. BT - Talk about conspiracies!! I tried to join Christoph Riely's fanclub and for the first time ever, it asked me to put in a verification code....there wasn't one! Verification code, that is. I don't know how you did that.
Shirley was easy to get into the Family, Christoph. All we had to do was keep playing Helter Skelter over and over again. She loves the Beatles.
Oh and nice try, but no cousins, great aunts, half nephews, etc.
Joe! How could you say such a thing! You know Helter Skelter isn't my favourite song.
I think Squeeky likes it, though.
Rockinjoe: Do you think he will? That would be strange, so I like the idea.
Shirley: Surprised? Yes, I bet you are! No, I am still alive and kicking. If you can prove you were drugged, and your identity and mind were stolen, I should have no choice but to give you the benefit of the doubt.
And just for the record, B.T. did not write the article you are referring to (and he's not trying to claim that he is.) He's referring to a hub written by Shadesbreath.
Thanks for stopping by. You've been busy!
Hey, you just gave me a great idea on how to off ol' Christoph, Shirley. Let's make him site through 100 showings of The Bee Gees Sgt Pepper's movie. Peter Frampton as Billy Shears? We'll show it to him in a hotel. 50th floor or something and no way out except an open window. So long, Reilly
I just heard someone humming Helter Skelter outside my bedroom window. Do you think it's squeaky? Should I be alarmed?
Joe: Why...you're diabolical! Anything but that. Who said anything about torture????
Yeh, you're absolutely right I couldn't, wouldn't adjust. Oh well, any last requests then? When is his demise planned Rockinjoe? No wonder Chris is stressed...
'The Titanic' should also work a treat.
CR, you know I get myself into trouble all the time. I really meant it when I said it. I will try, I just can't make any guarantees. Hey CR, how bout a martini?
Well, Christoph, I changed purses and the proof's in the old one. I'll have a look, but I may have thrown it out. Silly me. Besides, haven't you gotten your revenge by enlarging that photo?
Shades set up that Christoph Riely account? Well, how'd he make the fanclub page ask me to verify myself (not very nice). And then tell me to "type in the verification text below" without any verification text below. Genius.
Joe, that would definitely do it! If I have to be there, I'll be going with him.
By the way....where is Shades, I haven't seen him around forever!
Hi LifeByDesign, I will say once again, I have absolutely no plans in place to off Christoph Reilly. I really like Chris. We have a mutual respect for each other and I think he's an amazingly gifted writer. That being said, I'm jealous of his talent and I wouldn't be overly upset to see lightening strike in the same place twice.
Yeah, Shirley, I think you'd both be in a fight over who would get to jump out first. I can't believe I paid to see that in the theatre when I was like 14 or 15.
Who is Dashiell Hammet?
Good luck with that Rockinjoe (lightning and all) lol. I know what you mean about Chris, but hey you're not so bad either!
You could play subliminal messages (Beatles- style) and hypnotise him into giving up his secrets instead. Good plan!
Heyyyyy, subliminal Beatles messages! I LIKE IT!
Don't forget to ask for his Torch secrets either :-)
I like the way you think, LifebyDesign. Maybe I'll just play a Yoko record and agonize the crap outta him.
Dashiell Hammet? I think he wrote The Maltese Falcon and a bunch of detective type books.
ha ha his torch secrets. I bet he's at the stove now cooking up some oysters.
Actually, where is Chris?? I haven't even said goodbye!
Hey Chris, sorry about the $10.00 thing it was the only thing I could think of to stall Joe (cough).
If I do the Gimp thing ( see if anyone else noticed) will you forgive me. We really are old mates right. (cough) .?
I have a spare Fox hole if you need a place to stay!
LifebyDesign: Oh, I forgot. Of course you can have my bag of fire stuff. Take good care of it.
Gwendymom: I would love a martini, two olives, please.
Shirley: I have no idea about the verification code thing. Maybe the FBI is already monitoring your activities?
Rockinjoe: I have never had the displeasure of seeing the whole thing, thankfully. It would finish me off fast though.
Yes, Dashiell Hammet did write The Maltese Falcon. He only wrote 5 novels, including the Thin Man, but he wrote lots of short stories for magazines. He pretty much invented that style of detective novel, and Raymond Chandler too. It lent itself to film noir rather easily.
Ag: No problem. I don't even have GIMP installed on my current computer. Don't know if I'm going to. Unless I learn how to use it, it's just taking up space. But thanks, and we're mates!
it will have to be Tuesday, I'm going to bed and have to go to OKC tomorrow. I'll have your martini and two olives for you then. Goodnight and sweet dreams to all.
Phew, thanks Chris. Actually just pleased to see you alive and well. Take care now. And Rockinjoe, be good. :-)
South Africa is still availalble. But it is getting close to Valentines day (the Massacre) so you better move your rrrrr's ( you are a writer after all)!
I think that techically a person can be both paranoid AND a murder target. It's not like it has to be one or the other. But I just read that somewhere, it might not be true. Rockinjoe might have even said it, who knows?
Judging fomr what's you've got going here, I think it's clear he gave you a great gift. He was just trying to inspire you. OK--and kill you--but the inspiration part is so beautiful!
Good work here! Just to be on the safe side though, you maybe should write fast. :o)
"Christoph! What a surprise! You're looking well. You know I was framed, right? Yeah, and I was coerced. And threatened. Drugged, uh-huh. In fact, that wasn't even me, I had my identity (and mind) stolen. Luckily, I have it back now."#
My clients sometimes have a defence like that. "I wasn't there, and if I was there, I didn't hit him, and if I did hit him, it was self-defence"
Dear John Doe,
Yes, that was Chi Chi watching you with teary eyes from one of those upper floor windows. I heard her sobbing as she said, "Adieu my leetle studdly cowboy. We are boot tew sheeps passing in ze night."
I see Spryte has the cookies covered, so I'll bring some "koolaid." *wink*
I remain your true blue hub buddy who isn't easily influenced by oysters, money, hand jobs, martinis, or the Bee Gees. Although that one song might work very well here...Stayin' Alive. ;) In fact, let's sing...
You sing this part:
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man—no time to talk. Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around since I was born. And now it's all right. It's OK. And you may look the other way. We can try to understand The New York Times'effect on man.
Now I've got the chorus:
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive.:D
Fear not, Mr. Reilly; I've many more a-coming.
Glad you liked what you read, and I'm certainly enjoying your Hubs as well.
-Kil
Pam - ROFL - Staying Alive!!!! Just the thing for Christoph indeed!
Christoph says..."Duct tape does have many uses. Right now I have my home bobbytrapped, mostly involving duct tape to some degree."
This caused a disturbing visual. How exactly does one use duct tape and bobbys to create traps? And is this the British form of "bobby" or...people named Bobby...and if the latter, can you substitute with a Robert, Rob, Robby, Roberto, Bob or Roberta and still get the same effect?
TYVM.
sixtyorso: Thank you for your invitation to South Africa. Perhaps a several month safari into the bush would be just the thing. I mean, I'm going to be killed by wild animals one way or the other.
pgrundy: Staying carefully on the edge still, I see. You walk the tight-rope between guilt and innocence. On which side will you fall, if at all? From now on, I'll call you the Great Wallenda.
LondonGirl: Ahh, my editor, with her big red pen. Drugged, eh? Mind stolen, eh? Actually, I had you lampooned through all the pictures below, but after several hours, I removed the comments, fearing that you would take it poorly, when in fact it was to show...uh...something good, I don't know what.
Chi Chi: Obviously, my disguise that evening as Swifty the Agent fooled even you. It wasn't me...or him....or something. I learned in Johannesburg to never drink the blue koolaid. Gave me a heck of stomach ache while everyone else napped peacefully.
Good song. Good song. I began singing it and by the time I finished, I don't know how, but I was wearing my leasure suit and the disco ball was lit and spinning. I haven't used that disco ball in years!
Kilroy: I'm looking forward to it. One hub in 2 months is not enough for you.
Shalini: You are becoming drunken on your own blood lust.
Spryte: Have you met my editor with her big red pen, LondonGirl? You two will get along famously. But I did, in fact, mean to write "bobbytrapped." Many don't realize it, but when cornered, a bobby becomes quite dangerous indeed, like cornered animals, so I duct tape bobbys all over the place: people named bobby; things called bobby; English policemen; bobby pins; bobby soxers; and even Bobby DeNiro. Get too close and....WHAM....you're done for!
Oh I'm guilty. I was raised CATHOLIC remember? I will always be guilty, no matter what I do or don't do. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa...
I never take anything badly. Can't be arsed to.
Christoph, you have no idea how grateful I am that my name was not mentioned in any of rockinjoe's curious (and curiously delightful) works in conjunction with your name and suggested demise. I may be the only favorite fan of yours whose reputation remains pure as the driven snow, unbesmirched in connection with your having "to go". You need not doubt my loyalty!
Say, I do have a nice insulated shed out back. The door lock needs a little work, but the space is big enough for a comfy army cot, and there's electricity for a small space heater and hot plate. Although there is no toilet, per se, the compost pile is near by, and it will appreciate your liquid waste, although not the other. So just in case you are weighing your hideout options, please know you and yours are welcome here (your lovely wife can have my guest bedroom with its single bed and private bath).
Outstanding Hub!
PS: Please restore your cowboy avatar. I want to be sure I know with whom I am dealing.
pgrundy: I know exactly how you feel about Catholocism and guilt. I too was raised Catholic, and it took me quite a lot of work to expel the guilt (and I never did get rid of it all.) It was most difficult for me to deal with women sexually, which could have been life-destroying. Fortunately, this was the first demon I was able to expell. Took two years, as I recall, and for that, I thank god! Ha.
LondonGirl: I don't know what "arsed to" means, but I understand the first part and am glad to hear it. Perhaps I'll restore my previous photo notes, as it was a very funny bit.
Dear Sally: Thanks so much for the offer of your shed (and my wife is honored for the offer of the nicer digs inside...with a feather bed, crisp sheets, comfy pillows, indoor plumbing, and homemade tomato soup and fresh baked bread every night. I'll be fine in the shed and can fix the lock and other things around your home that need fixing. I do, however, occasionally do number two, and have not yet devised a solution for the delemma.
Glad you escaped the murder plot, but as your number one fan, I had to pay you tribute. I hope you noticed your inclusion on the hubtivity page that is linked.
Now that I am seeking writing work and using my work here in a business way (in spite of the fact that much of my writing is not business-like at all) I have found it necessary to have a unity of avatars, i.e., the same avatar on all the sites. The cowboy is my personality in a way, but it is no longer me, and I only wish I still looked like that. I really only grabbed the image when I first signed up and meant to change it fast. Sorry, I cannot change it. I will be more than happy to send you an autographed 8x10 however! Ha!
CR- If you are still paranoid and worried, you may take a choice of any of my killer pets, either one of the dogs, or if you add them both together they might equal one real dog, or you can take my killer rabbit, he is very dangerous around one's legs, he does this death bite and then starts humping away like a little jackhammer. Very dangerous animal. My dream is to eliminate everyone in the household, but its easier to start with the animals, that way when I go to the bathroom, I could just leave the door open and not worry about someone bothering or about needing to go pee and then me pinching one off too soon. I just hate that. Especially the kids, you know how they wait till the last moment anyways and its just absolute panic before they get there.
But I figure we can help each other out in some ways.
Goldentoad: If I can name them all Bobby I will take them. You're wife too, who I will call Bobbi.
You wrote Viva Las Vegas on the other hub. Have you been or are you still waiting to go?
Christoph,
First, I agree with Sally. Put the avatar with the hat back. How the heck will I know if I'm now speaking to the true Christoph Reilly? If you have to now become consistent with an avatar for business purposes, use the one with the hat. I would do business with that one in a red hot minute :)
Remove this imposter avatar that is now residing here. Who is he? I just may have to put Rockinjoe to work tracking down the true identity of this imposter.
Also, I certainly hope and pray that since you are going to become more business-like, that your writings don't become simply informative drivel with not a hint of personality shining through, in other words, boring. If that happens, I shall spend all eternity in search of the stud with the hat.
PS: If you need toilet paper at Sally's, I have plenty to share, plus the Bounty towels if needed for any accidents.
Christoph,
I dared to venture to your mocked-up hubtivity page, and I, along with Sally, do not see her listed there. All I can say is, I'm glad I'm not, or, perhaps I should be really sad??
She is on there as are you. Sally published a hub (might be a medal) and you are near the end, joining the hub that wants me dead. Look, and you shall see. You are looking at the one that I have linked on this hub, right? It's not the same as rockingjoe's. (I'd better go look and make sure it's still there.)
Trish: It's there. Click the word HERE in blue above near the end of this hub. NOT the link to Joe's hub that says If Hubtivity Told Us Everything. Sally appears at 12 minutes. You appear at 13 minutes (several people are at 13 minutes, which is a joke in itself.)
Now Christoph exactly where in "Australia is a fair distance Christoph and your personal safety is the absolute key here" does it say that I wanted you dead - No my catholic guilt does not allow me to even frame thoughts like this - so no - and despite my appearance of so-called sweet innocence my superstition holds me back from the karma of what you out out you may receive back ten fold....therefore no lists for me - although have to say i was tempted...sssh...there could be some guilt involved here also...
good hub though - how did you do it?
Is the 13 minutes a reference to all those adoring fans who operate at the speed of light maybe?
ajcor: I'm very glad of it, and happy too you didn't "point the bone" at me. (You didn't, did you?) You ask "how did I do it?" Do what?
No, but the speed of light part is right.
They acted at the speed of light to agree with the original poster of the comment.
no. no bone pointing from me!
- build the mocked up hubtivity page....
Oops! my bad. I'm at Sally's now as I speak. I did go to your hubtivity page as I mentioned, what i failed to do was scroll to the right. We saw 'our' hubtivity and uh, the jury is out on that one.
Sorry!
PS: I am sweet and innocent :)
If you mean how did I do the hubtivity pages (it's actually two) you are probably better off asking rockinjoe. I'm sure he did his in a much more organized fashion. Mine took me--off oan on--two very frustrating days, but in a nutshell, did this: I got several "print screen" images and then using 4 of them, pieced together 4 of them to make two pages. Then I laid in a seperate "hubtivity filter" box on. Then I wrote the comments, etc., on seperate pages, cropped them, and put them on the top of what was actually written there. In the beginning, I paid attention to whether the hubtivity symbol to the left of the comments was actually correct (so if it was supposed to be a comment, I put a comment there, or if it was a published hub, I put a published hub there. This required sometimes laying in a new slip right there so the symbol would match the subject, but I abondoned this practice as it was too time consuming and really was overcroweding all the stuff I was already putting down. I know that's probably confusing, but that's the best I can explain it without writing a hub about it, and besides, technically, it kind of sucks, so I am hardly the person to teach this sort of thing.
Hope that answers your question.
Trish: Jury out, huh? I was afraid of that, and am not sure but may have offended some people. It is just to show my love. You two are difficult to tickle. Sally writes stuff that masterfully combines two seemingly separate entities, but in such a cohesive, entertaining and insightful way--a way that mesmorizes and intrigues me. You write really emotional, feeling hubs that make me think and feel things I wouldn't feel otherwise, and you can flex the funny bone too. But, really, both of you, you're so nice and are known as such, and I was thinking that you guys are never included in hubs like this. I just wanted to include you, To let you know I was thinking of you. To let you know you're one of the gang. I would not have bothered if I didn't like you both so much.
If either of you are offended, I will remove the page. I would not do this for anybody else. I would explain to them as I have explained to you, but no way would I take the page off. I will though, for you. That is all.
CR- Good, take all those freeloaders off my hands because I personally, will not stand in Joe's way. I may be a little on the dumb side, but I'm not suicidal.
And yeah, Got home from Vegas last night around 3 AM. I'm thinking about writing a hub about it. If my hangover gets any better.
Do write a hub. I'm sure you have an interesting view of your experiences.
"LondonGirl: I don't know what "arsed to" means, but I understand the first part and am glad to hear it."
Arse is that thing most people sit on, and a few people talk through. Top of your legs, bottom of your back.
Can't be arsed is therefore another way of saying, "can't be bothered".
Restore all you like, nothing offends me.
Christoph,,,
No, there was no offense taken. Seriously. Actually, I couldn't think of what to say at that moment, that's why the comment about the jury being out. I should have said I'll get back to it. In any case, I did laugh because it was funny.
I'm extremely flattered to know you were thinking of me (I can only speak for myself here) and it was a nice feeling to be included. I'm not quite sure what you mean when you said I'm difficult to tickle. As far as I knew, I can take a joke as well as make one, so I'm a bit confused. Do I come across too serious or something? Just curious,,
LondonGirl: Thanks for the definition.
Trish: That's a relief. I thought you were speaking for Sally too. Didn't you say you were there now?
No, I mean you're difficult to lampoon. Y'all don't do anything...lampoonable. It's like, you want to make fun of a friend in a fun way that doesn't piss them off but makes them laugh, but you don't have anything to make fun of. I still didn't come up with anything for you, and I thought for a long time for Sally's.
Anyway, glad everything is copacetic. Hope Sally feels the same.
Hi CR Yes wild animals is a distinct possibility. A few years back we had visitors to a lion park, who did not know these kitty's were not tame. These Chinese gentlemen stepped out from the car for a bettter photo op and became Chinese takeways. True story!
They didn't realise they weren't tame? That's kind of....stupid. I'm sorry for them, but geez...
Hi Christoph,
Yes, I'm at Sally's still. I had her blessing to answer for both of us the first time, but she told me I was on my own for the next comment I left, meaning she had nothing to add. That's why I clarified that I was speaking for myself.
So now, it looks like I have work to do. I'm going to have to give this serious thought. Any hints on how one becomes lampoonable? If I told you when I was a teenager, I once found a cool color lipstick that I thought would make a great eyeshadow color, and after I put it on, it didn't stay that color but turned red? I was walking around with red eyelids until I could remove it. Not too flattering with blue eyes. Like that? :)
The other thing is it has to be something everyone would "get." It has to be common knowledge. Nice try, though. You're so cute!
Hi Trish! What a funny story about the lipstick/eyeshadow! I did something similar in 7th grade (before I was allowed to wear makeup). I used some red gel toothpaste as lipgloss. It looked great for about 10 minutes until I licked my lips and it turned white and foamy. Ha ha.
Christoph, I suspect you have something in mind here. "It has to be something everyone would "get." It has to be "common knowledge." Is it kind of like one's Achilles' Heel?
Maybe you (Trish/Sally) should read back issued of National Lampoon for inspiration (?). Meanwhile, have you decided which continent you're going to be hiding on, Cristoph?
Why would anyone set out to be lampooned. It is easy enough to do it by pure chance!
Mighty Mom: Not something in mind, but I was explaining that I had included Trish and Sally in the fake Hubtivity, but found it difficult to lampoon them, and in fact my attempt was lame. It also has to be in good fun and not hurtful at all, which is the tricky part. (There is some controversy here but it may only be in my head.)
I have not yet chosen a continent where I shall reside. I have one in mind, with a very nice person who I know is not involved in the murder plot, but natch, can't say here. I will say no one will ever expect it and they will never find me.
Sixtyorso: True, but I challenge you and Mighty Mom to lampoon Trish within the guidelines stated above. I'm not saying you can't, I would just like to see it. Maybe I'll learn something.
Hey where was I when all this was happening! You need a lawyer Christoph. How could you not think of me? LOL
Thanks Christoph! I'll take cute :)
@MightyMom, very funny. Unfortunately I couldn't lick my eyelids LOL.
anjalichugh: I don't think I knew you were a laywer. I'll fire O'Shannon the Shyster immediately. As to what you were doing when all this was happening, you were probably writing something meaniful, while I wrote fluff.
Thanks for coming by and the comment. Habeus Corpus, Baby!
Trish: I'll bet you could have found a couple of boys to lick them. (You did, didn't you?)
I'm free at last!!! I didn't even realize it until I read the hubtivity report!
Did I miss something? Just so you know, I wasn't anywhere near that dead pool. I can't even swim!
B.T. Yes. I thought that would make you happy. Can't you just see you hopping along in slow motion while the song "Born Free" plays in the background! It's heartwarming...and frightening.
rmr: Hey. Your roomate was just here. I know you are innocent. At least I think so, but for all I know you are rockinjoe too. Hell, you might even be me and I don't even know it!
For the record, I am not schizophrenic. It's just that, sometimes I feel like a nut. Then again, sometimes we don't. I did however hear "Born Free" playing over and over in my head.
Christoph, there might be a lampoonable angle to use with Trish regarding her cardboard cylinder hub. I do believe she refers to herself as the "Queen of Cylinders" and makes at least ONE reference about the toilet being her royal throne. Someone needs to lampoon her good over that. lol! ;)
lol @ rmr and bt! :D
LOL Christoph! I'll never tell :)
@Pam, hey, i thought you were my friend! LOL j/k
Bring it on :)
LOL, okay Trish, since I am your friend, I will try to resist lampooning you with silly observations about your cylinders and your throne which all kind of point in the direction of someone, not naming names, being queen of the crapper. :D
Nope, you won't catch me saying anything silly like that even though it has quite a royal ring to it. :D lol!
I just figured out what the problem is...Trish is too sweet to lampoon. :)
rmr: I can't get it out of my heads either.
Pam: I think you're on to something there. Might be as easy as sticking the Tidy Bowl man with a harpoon! I'll expect a rough draft first thing in the morning.
Trish: You don't have to. Little Timmy toe-licker already told everybody!
You don't have to take that crap, Trish. Wipe it off and defend yourself. Put a little spin on it.
ROFLMAO! :D
Gosh, you've rendered me speechless with talk of crap and spinning crap.
Are you a MILF Pam? I saw on another hub you said you were a MILF.
Christoph- Just came back to check to see for any improvements in your paranoid behavior and I see that Joe seems to have mellowed down a bit. But in case you ever come back to high alert(red) then you are welcome to board the flight to Visakhapatnam where we have that house (at least let us know a few days in advance to get the unused house cleaned and stock up with coconuts unless you are good at climbing the trees to fetch them yourself)...hehe
what is a milf? enlightenment please ...
It means, "a mother I'd like to f [have intimate relations with]"
Christoph, funny you should ask. It just so happens that last year when there was some road construction going on, the guy holding the stop/go sign had that MILF look in his eyes everytime I drove by. It's true. Sometimes he'd make me stop when there was no other traffic and he'd undress my car with his eyes. I have plans to do a hub about it, so I can't reveal the whole story. ;)
Your devoted MILF fan, Pam
Trish <~~ is speechless too now. She'll be back after she's had her first pot of coffee :)
'Habeus Corpus'.....I love that legal jargon. Where did you learn that Chris?
I love the literal meaning of habeus corpus - "you should have the body!"
Countrywomen: Oh, no! You've given away the location! It's one thing for them to think I am in India, and quite another to think I'm in Visakhapatan. Kind of narrows the search area, don't you think?
ajcor: I think London Girl has answered your question.
LondonGirl: Thanks for keeping track of the comments and keeping things straight. You're the best Editor I ever worked for!
Pam: I am against using those internet acronyms at the ends of sentences, as it is against my religion, but: ROFLMAO! No kidding, that's hysterical (and is a reasonable story, therefore, believable.) Do you really think he was undressing your car? What do you drive a Lamborghini? You SHOULD write that. I'm laughing already. Plus, as someone who just heard the term MILF, you may have an interesting perspective on it.
Trish: Please tell Trish that she is welcome here anytime.
anjalichugh: Harvard Law, '81. Not really. Everyone knows that, especially with the Guantanamo Bay fiasco.
LondonGirl: That's what I said about the MILF!
Sorry, I'll try to restrain the pedantic, pain-in-the-arse side of me.
LondonGirl: Oh, no you wont! I'm just getting into the groove that is you and you're going to bail on me?
Listen, I appreciate your comments. You break up my day. You aren't bothering me...quite the contrary, my dear. When I call you 'my editor," I say it with fondness. This is true. Ok? Speaking of Habeus Corpus.....
Just a quick check in. Glad to see this taking on a life of its own. And glad to see the body in question does not (at least thusfar) belong to you, Christoph.
I will work on coming up with a lampoon for Trish. It may take some time. Got a lot of sweetness to lick through:-).
LG -- Nice work getting that coveted editing gig over at Christoph's! Way to go, girlfriend (or whatever they call girlfriends over in London).
Later, gators. Roger, over and out. MM
I'm unable to restrain it, don't worry (-:
Christoph/Pepe- Don't worry we will have a make over for you and even your wife won't be able to recognize you (besides my dad knows folks who can arrange for your perimeter security) hence no worries. Btw I am getting few ideas for your make over while hiding. Do you want to be the coconut seller, fisherman, beach side bar owner, yoga instructor, massage specialist, surfing enthusiast, or a rich fun loving American out to have a good time (the last one is so obvious that sometimes it may escape notice) ;)
Hey Christoph, shouldn't B.T. have "Bright Eyes" (as in Watership Down") as his theme tune rather than "Born Free"??
And, is licking eyelids a new kind of 'necking' for teenagers now??
MM: If I ever get my hands on 'the body in question", it WILL belong to me. (Sounds like a country song!)
LG: Glad to see you checking in to make sure I'm running a tight ship what? Jolly good!
CW: Hmmm...I'll take beach bar owner and sometime masseuse--but I get to choose my clients.
Misty: Ah, one of my favorite books as a young teenager. Just saw the film about a year ago. That would make a good theme song for BT!
Nix on the eyelid licking. It was a fad Trish tried to get started back in the day.
Wise Owl say maybe not so wise to ask too many questions!......
The owl is very wise indeed.
I am afraid I must humbly decline the "Lampoon Trish challenge" as I am seated on my throne supressing farts from another hubber (or is that hub), licking my eyebrows and unfortunately, I am not firing on all cylinders at present.
Besides I am comtemplating my entry to emulate TOF and Toady for the shortest hub with the highest score. I call them hubhangers or hubthreads.
Sixty: I think you just wrote it. Just slap it on a hub and...wahlah!
Hey, you guys really party all night long. I'd better go to bed now. You guys have fun.
Benson: Actually, we could use a doctor hanging out with us. People get hurt! Thanks for coming by and the comment!
Hmm, eyelid licking? well, you're right about that Christoph. It never caught on :(
@MightyMom, hope you're wearing elasticized pants :)
@sixtyorso, sorry to hear you're having problems. If you are lacking cylinders, I'll have to have a talk with them and send in the reserves :) Also, eyebrow licking? now there's a talent! LOL
Trish: I didn't catch on except with Sixty apparantly. Just like him to jump right on the "eyebrow licking" bandwagon!
When does the movie come out? I want to see it! :D
Karen
Peacefulwmn9: You'll have to check with my agent on that. I heard through the grapevine that he was already shopping a script around about my life (and death), which has me kind of miffed!
Thanks for the drive-by and the comment.
I am so sorry to hear of this. Oh what evil games we hubbers play...hehehehehe..........
Dorsi: You laugh? Oh. I'm so sorry for you. Your name goes on the list to the FBI and the NSA. So when you hear that odd click on your telephone, not to worry. When your computer screen suddenly blinks...not to worry. That dark blue sedan that keeps following you...not to worry. It's just NSA of the good ol USA, doing their job and protecting me from HubPages terrorists.
People laugh because it not them. If it were, then it wouldn't be funny. That Rockinjoe look a little spooky. look like he might have a brother name Charlie.
Rose Ella: You and I think alike! Thanks for stopping by and the comment! (Did you hear that rockinjoe?)
CR Just count yourself lucky. I have just read Scarpetta By Patricia Cornwell and apart from littlepeople, kinky sex, murder, internet identity fraud, one of the characters has a microchip implanted in his Anus. He is then tracked by GPS and he thought he was paranoid! So go figure.
Sixty: I knew that itch down there was something serious! Thanks for the tip!
Chris, you may have more to worry about from gwendymom that you originally thought. She left an ominous comment on a certain hub of mine...
I knew you would come and rat me out AMB, I had to follow you over here and check out what you had to say to CR, and I was right in my suspicions. Hmmm, martinis anyone?
I must watch out for The Great Leader as best I can. We all know there are several people after him as we speak. Someone has to protect him. Cult leaders are always targets. As for the martinis, I would love one. Preferably minus the poison.
AMB, I just don't know if I can promise you one without the poison, I mean really you brought that on yourself. Besides it will be mildly painless, after the gagging and stuff, but then you will be lulled into a nice little sleep.
Now ladies. Nobody is going to "rat poison" anybody. I'm sure it's all just a misunderstanding.
I can't help it. You bring back that old feeling of being glad I am here in hubpages. I don't know it really makes me laugh. I guess, I'm certified to be in your cult.
How can this machine we call computer makes one laugh out loud? It's crazy. I did try to sound funny but I can't so I'd gladly settle to be a fan of those who makes the dead list and those on the list. :)
Shena: Of course it's all in fun! I laughed so hard when I first read Joe's hub and the comments by my friends (?). I hadn't laughed so hard in a long time. So I wanted to pay you all a little tribute! Glad you laughed again at my imminent demise!
And thanks for visiting!
Oh what a horrific ordeal,I knew from the start the poeple here were fishy,and Mighty Mom, you can small the Mafia all over her.
I just knew it ! She may seem to purr like a kitten but beneath the cool exterior I detected pure evil.
blondepoet: Well, you are a better judge of people than I. I was totally hoodwinked! I thought these people were my friends! Boy, is that ever a laugh! And you're right about Mighty Mom and her Mafia ties. I found out her real name is Mighty "the Mangler" Mom!
Thanks for your support during this trying time!
Poor little honey, dont worry I will protect you from this evil.To think you let them into your life with a trusting heart.I will go speak to my friend,shhhh, FBI,lets keep this quiet from them.Any crap still around he will dig it up.In the meantime I am sending my designer Chanel bulletproof jacket,for your safety.Together we will fight evil haha.
I can't think of anyone I'd rather have protect me. Chanel, huh? Got anything in a Pierre Cardin? Chanel makes me look chunky.
CR: RockinJoe is missing! Did you kill him in an act of preemptive self-defense?
No comment.
I getcha. Mums the word.
And besides, I was nowhere near any van down by the river.
LOL!!!
Have I said too much?
http://hubpages.com/hub/The-2009-Celebrity-Dead-Po
Michael Jackson
number 3 from that list of course we still don't know what you did with Joe.
I got that Michael Jackson was chosen by Emwrites, C.C., Mighty Mom, and me. Any others? All three of those others submitted more than 10 choices, and the rule was submit 10, so they are all three disqualified, which leaves me!) Lol!
It does appear Mighty Mom was really into that list!
Maybe she misunderstood the contest and thought it was "name all but 10".
Teresa McGurk 3 years ago
Since Elena has raised the topic of songs people would like to have sung at their funeral (see her hub on My Way), what will we sing at yours? How about a nice cheerful Celtic dirge? Or would you prefer a show tune? Just let us know, and we'll try to oblige. . .