A Computer Virus Destroyed My Home, Internet Cable, & The World
79
It had been a pretty ordinary day, but then, too late and too tired, I decided to get just a little more work done at 3:00AM instead of going to bed like a normal lost soul. Nope, just one more thing. I was surfing for something or another, but it wasn't porn. Probably some info on building a nuclear reactor in my basement, but it wasn't porn! No ma'am, maybe some info on Tibetan Monks and their influence on the culture of shaved heads, BUT IT WAS NOT PORN!!!
Anywhoseamawhatchit, there I was surfing away when suddenly a warning appeared on my screen stating, “Your computer has been infected by a virus... but not by porn.” This was odd. I have all kinds of virus and malware programs that usually scream with sirens and flashing red lights letting me know they have caught a dangerous intruder, but here, now, the message was almost sedate, peaceful even, as though it had come to accept its death and demise with the satisfaction that only comes from a life of unselfish service; a life well-lived. Where was the quarantine? Where was the message that the virus had been captured and imprisoned?
My Computer Has the Flu
Shoot, if the spyware isn't going to do it on its own, I'd have it do a manual search for the culprit. I called up the spyware program: “This program has been infected and is disabled.” Huh? So I called up my malware program: “This program has been infected and is disabled.” WTF ? I called up my Widows Security Center. It showed that all spyware and malware was inoperable, but at least the firewall was in place. So the culprit was in a portion of my castle, but couldn't get to the whole thing. At least that was something.
So, my first order of business was to download a new version of the virus program. I tried to use Firefox to get it but instead got the message, “Firefox has been disabled.” So, the bastard had killed the search engine I had been using. No problemo. I'd use Internet Explorer instead: “Cannot connect.” Safari: “Cannot connect.” So iGoogle, “Cannot con...”, Google Chrome, “Cannot con...”, My frickin' brain, “CANNOT FRICKIN' CONNECT!”
The Swashbuckling Epic
Okay, IT'S ON! We drew our swords. Mano a mano...or Mano a Virus-o, just myself and the evil thing. The sweet cling of steel on steel echoed throughout the hall. For three hours the battle raged, first the foul germ gaining ground, then I parry and chop off its left flank and advance. It deflects my blade to the left and nearly connects with a thrust. At hour two, a slice to my right shoulder rendered my right sword hand a limp Arm de Boeuf, so to my left hand the sword was shifted and the struggle continued. At hour 3, beaten and bruised and injured, the air permeated with the metallic scent of fresh spilled blood, limbs missing and oozing life, I delivered the final thrust, a direct hit into the beast's heart.
I had managed to uninstall many infected programs during the ferocious battle, and blessedly, at one such time a search engine screen magically appeared to say, “Why did you delete your spyware? Did you want to download the latest version?” Why...yes! Yes I did wish to download the latest version. So I did and I ran it. Using the same magically appearing search engine, I downloaded a new copy of my malware and ran that too. Then, as tired as I have ever been, dragged myself off to bed to leave the programs to do some magic. The clock read 6:00AM.
The following morning, the virus had been detected and quarantined and I relaxed. I looked around my once magnificent castle, for my computer is like a castle, or a home. In it I spend much of my time. It has my transportation (search engines), my friends phone numbers, a library where I read, many acquaintances and loved ones visit me there, and there are recipe's for my sustenance. It was trashed of course. Once beautiful curtains had been ripped from the windows; priceless vases and glassware was strewn about the great hall, broken into a million shards like gleaming shark's teeth, and when I swung from the grand chandelier during the fight to the death it had crashed to the floor and it's crystals gleamed and winked in the filtered light of early morn. Chairs had been broken over heads and tables upturned in life-saving desperation. It would take for ever to clean this joint up.
Did I Destroy the Cable System?
And that was when I noticed it. The lights on the wireless Internet cable modem were not correct. Attempting to get online proved it was so, and a call to the cable company confirmed my worst fears: The entire area's cable system was down. They didn't know what it was, but they were working on it. But I knew what it was, but I remained mute. Now I know little about such matters, but a small amount of research showed that it is impossible for my virus to have traveled wirelessly to the modem, then into the cable system, and then crashed nearly the entire town.
But it WAS a heck of a coincidence. Just because its never been known to happen before doesn't mean it couldn't. Over the next six days, the cable was off, then on; off then on; 5 minutes off, 5 minutes on. It was frustrating to say the least. And I was left with only the one search engine. Downloading new copies of the other ones didn't work. I had trouble loading articles onto various websites. The cable company came to my house 3 times over those days, and I never told them of the great sword fight with the virus. If I had I was sure the technician would say, “So what were you doing...surfing porn?” Ohhhhh, the nerve.
Residual Damage
But finally, all is well – with the exception of having only one operational search engine and no others will work, at least nothing I have figured out - but I know the virus is out there somewhere, traveling around the Internet cable lines buried deep within the utter darkness of the ground or suspended above like great spider webs, jumping wirelessly from system to system, stretching across America, and soon to hitch a ride on the transatlantic cable to Europe on the ocean's floor, and then on and on, to Russia and Asia and Mongolia for crissakes, and one day, it will find you, dear friend. It will find you as sure as you are sitting there in your comfortable chair with your hot tea or cold beer, hot toddy or cold teddy or whatever the hell it is you do in front of the hypnotic blue screen, sucking up knowledge, laughs, images, sounds, while your wisdom flows forth from your mind to the world along the new Internet super highway.
And that is the tale of how a computer virus destroyed my home, my Internet cable system, and soon the world, mine and yours and his and hers...and I wasn't even surfing porn. No, really!
CommentsLoading...
What do you mean, what was I looking at? It wasn't porn! That photo on this hub was for an article was for a blog on Crusty, and had nothing to do with the virus. Still, I wouldn't think you'd be going to Lazygirlsgirls.info anyway, though it's not pornographic. I only got this one picture then ran cause girls scare me, especially naughty ones!
Thanks for reading, A.C.
ha ha and a zillion more fall about has! Christoph, you're a riot - so what are you now, a cyber Zorro? And if you send that awful virus our way, I'll tell - because I know what you were looking for - methinks you protest too much! :D
Why whatever do you mean, Ms. Kagal?
Hardly a Zorro. When stuff like this happens, it is the true Revenge of the Nerds. I wish I was one and knew a lot more about computers. I know more than your average joe, but still am woefully ignorant.
LOL!!! Whenever I have a computer virus, I will think of this hub! At least your able to do battle with your Zorro like powers, while chanting, "it was not porn"!
As for me, I have to rely on my s/o for help, as I am computer literate but not very good at restoring computers after an attack.
Enjoyed your humor! :)
Hahah....the wiring outside your house looks like the mess behind my computer. Loved it.
Chris, I wanted to laugh, I tried not to laugh but hahahahahhahaha IT'S NOT FUNNY I know, the damn thing got me too and I wasnt surfing porn either.
Glad you won against the baddie!!
Christoph you're a hoot. I was looking for some funny stuff to fix my already miserable day at only 9:40 am. As always you did not disappoint. Thank you for a the great read. I think we should rename you, Swashbucky. You are our hero...
great funny hub
hope you're well
kindest regards Zsuzsy
Violet: As for computers, I only know a little and still have all this collateral damage. At least I saved the computer, and I had this nightmare playing in my mind of yet another dead, worthless computer to add to my pile. That's all I need: to have to go get another one...AGAIN.
Thanks for the visit and the funny comment! Always nice to hear from you.
SteveoMc: Thankfully, that wiring picture is not outside my house. I just have a line and a box type of thing, but that's not very dramatic, so I got this other one. Thanks for reading.
Hawkesdream, or Dreams of Hawks if I speak Cherokee, HI! Laugh at my pain, will you? Are you saying the evil thing has reached all the way to Cornwall already? Wow! That was fast! Draw you sword, Woman, and fight, fight, fight!
Thanks for reading!
ZsuZsy, one of the Gabor sisters: What's with all these miserable days your having? Swashbucky! I like it! I'll have the queen christen me so immediately.
I was reading your hub about substituting food ingredients, you know, what to use instead of whatever. I have such a list too, and the interesting thing was many of my substitutions are different. For example, to substitute for buttermilk, add one Tbsp. vinegar to 1 cup milk and let sit for 5 minutes. Strange, huh?
Hysterical, I have had similar experiences with computer viruses, the last one of which would make all the desktop icons vanish about 5 seconds after the computer booted up, so it was virtually impossible to click in to a virus scanner or Malware scanner program. After a few attempts I managed to be that fraction of a second quicker than the virus, and got into Malware Bytes before the icon vanished, did an update and got it to perform a scan. It immediately got rid of the virus for me, but I had a whole load of stress before I got that far.
Misty: Sounds like exactly what I was trying to do, accept I think the difference is malware vs. a virus, although malware can carry virus' too (you never know where they've been.) Great you knew how to get rid of it, and you were successful too. It's surprising how many people will just take it to the repair place, not having any clue what to do themselves. Not saying I'm great at it, or anything. I know very little in the big scheme of things.
Thanks!
Who else could have made computer virus sound like fun without admiting to porn?
Hi Petra! I don't know. Who? And it was not fun. I think my whole life flashed before my eyes. So nice to see you here, as always. Thank you!
You sure it wasn't those India Nannie's creeping through your system, belly dancing their way into your heart? Anything can happen at 03:00 in the morning. I am no good to anyone at that time of day, even the porn queens can't keep me up that late.
If they did I know that I certainly would pick up some kind of disease, something I'm sure would stay with me for weeks. A porno virus is not fun. So come on now fess up to the truth. You were actually only dreaming that the cable company screwed up but the truth be known you were in the lizzards lounge for a nightcap:0)
saddlerider: I don't say the cable company screwed up. I clearly was at fault, just not from porn. The cable company got it from me if such a thing is possible. You do have to avoid the porn sites though, just like in real life, you'll get an STD. Ha, ha! I've never had one of those either!
WELL, it is OK as long as you did not watch porn. No men would never do it. Funny Hub, I enjoyed it very much.
(Innocent)Hugs....
Tatjana: Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for dropping in to say hi!
You are too much Christoph Reilly. Enjoyed reading your hub and all the comments. Have you considered getting a mac? I know, they are expensive, and they are not perfect, but the last four I have bought (over ten years) are all still working. Thanks for the chuckles.
elayne: Howdy! Glad you visited and enjoyed it...and read the comments too. Often, the comments on my hubs are funnier than the hubs themselves. Yes, you Mac-attack you, I used to use Macs - starting with a Mac classic, then I replaced it (cause it was obsolete) with a re-manufactured one (broke), and then another (broke), and then decided to switch from unleaded to regular. In those prelapsarian days, it was hard to get a Mac to communicate with non-Mac computers. So, part of my pile of broken computers are Macs (so there!) Thanks for the commment!
I don't know whether to laugh or to feel sad for you.
Okay, laugh wins!!! Hahahaha! It wins with me all the time.
I thoroughly enjoyed the way you wrote about your battle with the viruses here. That you can write this way is an indication that the fever has gone down!
However, I also feel for you because I have been attacked by computer viruses before and the result was not funny at all. I just let the computer nerds take care if the battle for me because that kind of battle is totally out of my horizon.
Thanks for this hub Christoph.
God bless!
Thanks Jill, for your lovely comment. Yes, I wish I was a computer nerd so I didn't have to keep giving them money. It can be tragic...like your life passing before your eyes! Thanks again!
Well Christoph Reilly, you are still funny as hell. This hub brought back memories of the night I signed up on hubpages. You were the first hubber that I read and I was up all night laughing and reading your hubs. You were my first fan, so you will always have a special place in my heart! LOL.
Now what is wrong with porn? Other than the viruses they produce when we ARE NOT watching it, I think it is healthy to be sexual unless one is a fuddy duddy.
You must be exhausted even now after that gawd awful battle you fought. But I am grateful. You are my hero!
Loved this hub as usual. Lisa
Awww, Lisa, that's so sweet. Was I really your first? hee, hee) Yes, I remember, we were young and in love and then that bloody war...oh, wait, that was another life. So glad you stopped by. And I must say, I like your attitudes, and if I watch porn it is because I am studying to be an anthropologist. Of course I see nothing wrong with watching what you want, and loathe those that would keep it - or anything - away from me. I'll decide what I want to watch for myself, thank you very much.
How sweet of you to hold me in a special place in your heart! I will always wipe my shoes before entering and promise to always pick up my underwear. Ha!
Thank you again, so much, for the very lovely and generous comment! Yours, CR.
I wuv you. Yes you were my first.
If I watch porn, it is because I'm studying to be a pole dancer! Oh wait, that was the other life. I meant that I watch it for the plot! And we know what good plots they have! That darn war. The wound to my head has somehow seeped into this life.
Lisa: You wuv me? What am I? Your pet puppy, or a bunny rabbit perhaps? LOL. I wuv you too, snoogie oogums! Yes, the plots are fabulous. The pizza deliveryman is a classic. Of course I'm partial to the one where all the gals get together to talk about how they can't get a date, then they decide to call the new guy who just moved in upstairs. I call it "The New Guy in the Building" plot. What's yours?
You have a great writer's voice. I love ("wuv")that extended metaphor, the "doing battle" image, like a knight of old.
Coincidentally, my computer just warned me that I was being invaded by trojans or something, but then Microsoft wouldn't let me download it's own anit-spyware (it wasn't safe!). So right now, as we speak, I'm running Malwarebytes anti-spyware in the background.
Paradise, thanks for the kind words, but I'm sorry you have a computer invasion. Coincidentally, I got a malware program after the virus described here that prevented me from downloading anything from Microsoft. I got rid of it by resetting my computer to an earlier date. That won't get rid of a virus (I don't think), but will get rid of a program. Mine had incessant pop-ups.
How about the girl speeding who gets pulled over by the cop. She's so sweet and innocent and can't imagine what she did wrong. The tall, tanned brute of an officer writes her a ticket but she must get out of this or her husband will be furious with her. She uses her power of persuasion to get him to rip up the ticket. He is offended and handcuffs her, throwing her in the back of the cruiser. Instead of taking her to jail, he teaches her a lesson she will never forget! I could go on but I shouldn't taint your comment section. And I will need a cold shower!
Of course I wuv you, and I would never consider you my pet. That would fall into the Dom catagory. Unless you're into that! MUAHH! Its the head injury from the war, honestly. Damn flashbacks.
Lisa: Hmmm, What did I do with that old cop uniform??? And no, not into the Dom thing or any pain. I figure there's enough pain without seeking it out, you know?
And to hades with the comment section!
Reading your swashbuckling tale was what I needed to see a bit of humor in the fact that I just shelled out too many bucks to replace an ancient setup I'd been nursing along for a couple of years until your porn surfing apparently infected my toddering workhorse here in southeast PA. It all started with endless porn site pop-ups that ate up all of the CPU's processing abilities.
Well, that's all water over the damn. Thanks to you I've now entered the hair-ripping-out worlds of state-of-the-art Windows and MS Office. AAAARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (Sobbing in my Scotch.)
Sally: Scotch is a well-known cure for computer problems, as well as many other, shall we say, inconveniences. Are you sure it was my virus? I had no pop-ups. And say, what were YOU looking at when the virus struck...hmmmm? Ooo la la! Sally, I had no idea!
HoHo...I was looking at the National Geographic site (maybe there are bare breasted women there and men who wear no loin cloths, but one cannot call this site pornographic), when all hell broke loose. Yes, I'm sure it was your virus. It invaded a cherished institution. And then invaded my PC.
Was not. I was downloading a picture of a chef from the Food Network for a hub which will be posted tonight, so there. But if you wish to blame me, then blame away. I will play the gentleman and graciously accept your unfounded wrath, and through it all, my love for you will remain true.
hi Christoph,
I feel your pain. Having been without a working computer for several months was a nightmare. It felt as though my world ended. What to do with myself? I was bored out of my mind. Can you believe I was actually forced to do things such as cleaning, reading a book or watching tv? horrors!
This reminds me of a time my gf and I met a guy in a chatroom who seemed quite charming. He had the word magic in his name, and claimed he did magic shows or some such nonsense. In any case, my gf and I were smitten because he made us laugh a lot. One day, she says to me, hey, open this link magic sent me. It's pretty cool. So I did. I couldn't believe my eyes. I said to her, are you kidding? what's showing on your screen? She said my C drive. Exactly! the creep invaded our puters and we were both staring at our own C drive. It took her and I over six hours to get the problem fixed. So glad it's never happened again. In my defense, I have to say it was many years ago when I didn't know a helluva lot. Today I know a little more but am still a bit too trusting.
Glad you won your battle and so nice to have you back :)
Trish: Wow, that magic guy sounds like a nightmare. I am so dependent on the Internet that to suddenly not have it is like losing a limb. Thanks for reading, Trish!
Oooohh I definitely want to see you in that Zorro outfit with swords in hand. Yum!
If a monster virus attacks me - I will now know who to call ;) In fact, I break out in cold sweat just from a possible virus attack warning. Nowadays, I try my best to stick to trusted sites.
Never fear, Milady! Chrizzo will protect you! Just slip into one of your super woman outfits and I'll be right over!
It was me, just a friendly warning. I was trying to disconnect you before you got to my site- ummm I was young, it was innocent fun, not sure how the pics got out, and I haven't done anything like that again. I swear.
Izetti: Oh no! My secret is out. I was searching...searching for your site, and what do I get for my trouble? Undeniable beauty? No! A foul misdeed! An infection! If you could just point me in the right direction....
Christoph, brilliant as usual. What more can I say? It's all been said, but I can't resist:
Christoph, Brilliant, as Usual.
Thank you, my friend. I don't know what to say about this one. Just that it is there. As usual, you are too kind.
Are you sure you weren't watching porn? Maybe you were researching new moves to get back into your stripper days?
This was so funny. Great imagery, swinging from the chandelier and....wait I know what you were doing. I bet you were watching Dora the Explorer on Youtube. Can't try to deflect attention with all the porn comments. Nice try though.
evvy: You've exposed my secret fetish: Dora the Explorer. I'm so embarrassed. Well, thanks for the comment anyway, even though you've ruined my life. Ha!
I'm so soooooo sorry. If it makes you feel better at all I was first going to say that you were buying beanie babies online when the virus attacked. I did attempt to give you some dignity. Dora is pretty cool, you learn stuff.
evvy: at least you didn't go with the beanie babies!
Psssssst... Christoph... Next time you're NOT WATCHING PORN and the War of the Worlds starts in your machine and wipes out the cable internet all over town AFTER you've slain the invaders, go to Wally World - shiver - get a NetZero disk and connect to the world via Old-Fashioned Dial-Up.
Yes, dial-up is slower than molasses on a cold day in January, but s l o w is better than NO internet at all. I had to go this route in December when AT&T couldn't be bothered to transfer my DSL from one house to another for ten...count 'em...TEN DAYS. (Every day while I was on the phone with the department they so quaintly call Customer Service, AT&T commercials hawking the "fastest internet anywhere" were popping up on TV every 10 minutes...)
Severe Internet Withdrawal is not a pretty sight, so on the 3rd day, after being promised AGAIN to be connected by 5:00 and at 5:01 being told the order was somehow lost...AGAIN, I bit the bullet and went dial-up. Helps to pretend it's the 90s and you're smokin' down the internet highway at 56K. ;D
Oh, gosh...must I? That's too sloooooowww, and I have a need for speed. As old as this is, I just got the last side effect of the thing figured out and eliminated a couple of months ago.
Whine, whine, whine... Did I say to keep using dial-up after your warp-speed internet is working again??? Just tried to be NICE and give you a tip on a *temporary* solution to a Fate Worse Than Death and you go and get all bratty. Sheesh! ;-}}}}}}}}}}}
Well, I could have gone into details, like spending $70 on a modem just for a day or two and not having a telephone line to plug it into. So there.
Oops. Forgot the phone lines were down too. My bad (she says, as she slithers away in embarrassment...) ;D
Well, you know what they say about denial - that's it 99% admittance!! :D
Been missing you! Hope your well! xox
Ha, Honestly. I was looking for Rachel Ray pics for my Food Network hub. So nice to hear from you. Hope you are well too!
ha ha you always get me going!!! Happy fourth of July Chris! xox
Hi Beth! Hope you are well. It's so very nice to hear from you.
ACSutliff 22 months ago
Christoph,
This hub had me laughing before I even clicked on the title to read it. I want to know more about exactly what you WERE looking at when this happened, so that I might protect myself and maybe perhaps even prevent the destruction of part of the world!
I think I will avoid the LAZYGIRLS.INFO just to be safe. :-)
~AC