I'm a Lesbian Trapped in a Man's Body
78
Find My Keys and We'll Drive Out
Something was rotten in Denmark. People were going there to get sex change operations, starting in 1950 with George Jorgenson who, by 1952, became Christine Jorgenson. That was before my time of course, and thankfully beyond the purview of this article, otherwise I'd have to start talking about squirmy stuff like hormone therapy and castration and other horrible procedures performed by the appropriately named Dr. Hamburger. Now I've done plaster work, and I've been plastered, but I've never had anything to do with any vaginoplasty and I'm not going to start now.
But here's the thing: In the mid-seventies, I started hearing about the reasons people underwent sex change surgeries. People thought they were something trapped inside of something else entirely. Maybe they thought they were a woman trapped in a man's body. Or maybe they thought they were a man trapped in a woman's body, which you can imagine is a bit more complicated because Dr. Hamburger can make mincemeat out of a steak relatively easily as compared to making a steak out of mincemeat, which is in the purview of sorcery.
Jump on the Bandwagon
It was all these people, these tortured souls who found themselves inhabiting a foreign vessel, a vessel so abhorrent to them, so wrong, that they felt compelled to undergo a drastic rearranging of nature, that got me started examining myself. Not physically, no. I was a boy of the whole-steak variety and I liked girls. I liked girls a lot. But surely there must be something wrong with me. I must be tortured about something. Wasn't I an artist and didn't artists have tortured souls? And then I had my aha moment. It was primal. It was simple. I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
Oh, goody. Now I was as screwed up as everybody else and I could get a shrink and spend a ton of money getting to the crux of my unique problem. Just like the famous people do. I soon found a doctor willing to take my case, which he assured me was a very difficult case indeed. I think he was a burger-flipper trapped in a doctor's body, but he wouldn't answer my queries about it.
Go Global
It wasn't that I wanted to be a woman attracted to other women. I was happy being a man, so what caused me to feel this way? To feel like a lesbian trapped in a man's body? After years of aversion therapy (it is too painful for me to give you the details—just know that it was horrible, horrible,) I finally came to the inescapable conclusion that what I was attracted to was women who did or might have sex with another woman. She just might. Maybe. If I was lucky.
Now I know many women reading this are disgusted at this notion, thinking me crude and ape-like, but I offer this in my defense: We like women so much that it is perfectly understandable why one woman would want to be with another. Furthermore, I have read that men's desire to see two women together is so common that it is shared by all cultures and peoples, and that includes everyone from remote jungle tribes to the highest levels of society. It is so prevalent, in fact, that whether or not a man desires to see two women together is an accurate indication of whether a man is straight or gay.
"I Kissed A Girl" - Kate Perry
Me Tarzan, You Jane, You Jane
Still, there has to be something more at the root of this psychological conundrum. I have decided that it is this: We da man! That's right, we da man! Firstly, there is the excessive femaleness of the situation. It's like...you know...double. It's the double-mint twins, double your pleasure, double your fun. And as we stand off-camera watching this display of ultra-femininity, we know that in the end, we will be called on. Yes, we will be needed. We will be implored, nay, begged, to enter stage left and bring the scene to its rightful and shattering conclusion, because we have the...you know...the thing. And we imagine that women cannot do without the thing.
I should point out that my life right now couldn't be farther from this idea, this hope. I am way past it. Were I to make a casual suggestion to my wife I would get an iron skillet upside the head. Plus, people our age don't look good in this situation. No, this is something for the young. For the beautiful. As for my past, I will not say, but I have had my share of crushes on lesbians, some of them serious crushes. I will say that never once have I been able to make this scene happen. No, I think this is something that happens to you. The best advice I can offer is for you not to get your hopes up, be a nice guy, and have some lesbian friends. Sometimes they get curious. If the right time comes, you'll be in the right place.
Somebody's going to be there. It may as well be you.
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CommentsLoading...
I had to use my defribulator a couple of times.
I was going to suggest that your lesbian dilemna was a manifestation of your primordial desire for multiple women, but you beat me to it. Well done.
Thanks, Mr. Freezepop! Nice to see you over on this side of town.
Reilly rides again and again :D
Here's the harsh reality, guys: Men will only be called to enter stage left in porn movies! Laugh! I can vouch for the fact that women can do without the thing, although why would we want to, there being SO many varieties of "things" to be enjoyed out there!
Whoops! Will this comment be stepping outside the HP policies, I wonder?
Well done, Mr Reilly, Tarzan, Christoph! Here's Jane giving you a thumbs up! :-*
Now this explains why I so loved Cagney & Lacey! :D
Are you butch or femme?
MM, you're asking Christoph, I assume? Ay ay, I'm actually rolling on the floor laughing!
There is a slight flaw in your plan. You have to make friends with bisexual women, as well as lesbians...more chances for your involvement. LOL! This was kinda funny, but also very true. Man's ultimate fantasy...
Shalini: Thanks for the comment.
Elena: I did say we "imagine." I did not say it was so. On the other hand, it doesn't only happen in porn movies, though I will not comment further on that! Although that IS the story I wanted to tell.
I'm glad you liked it though, or are at least nice enough to say you did. Thanks!
Cris A: I wanted to see the show Lacy and Lacy.
Elena, Of course that question was directed at Christoph:-). It could add a whole nuther layer of gender confusion if s/he was a butch trapped in a metrosexual playa body or a femme trapped in a musclehead's physique...
I did like it!! This is the ultimate fantasy, many women will feel offended by it as you said, but you managed to put it out there with flair and style and HUMOR, which I enjoyed mucho!
MM: You talkin' to me? I don't know. I never thought about it. I guess I'm butch.
Elena: Hi.
Anna: You have a point, except bisexual women are suspicious...they KNOW what you're after! Kinda funny, huh? Damn! I was going for sorta funny.
Hate to miss the denouement of this exchange, but alas I must go to bed. Without Elena, Anna Marie or Christoph or any of you funsters. Maybe next time (grins wickedly). G'night all! MM
MM: You're confusing me! I'm...I'm...having a nervous breakdown!
Elena: Well, thank you. I would feel bad if it offended you.
I honestly can't imagine why anyone would be offended. But, then, I'm not easily offended. Sorry, Chris. I amend my statement..It was very funny!!
MM; Good night, see you tomorrow. That is...if I'm not in Denmark.
Anna: No, no. It was funny (what you said, I mean.) Oh, people can be offended about anything, not that Elena is that way, but it's about sex, which is enough for many.
Anna, aside from being about sex as Chris said, and that being already a tricky subject, then again this ultimate male fantasy is one of the touchiest for many lesbians and for some straight women, the fact that guys have this fantasy is found offensive by many --I think it's seen as a perversion, as thinking with their things, you name it. I'm not into that type of hubbub. Sex and attraction and fantasies are personal, men can have that fantasy as much as they please, if that pleases them.
Off my soapbox now -- I actually have to get ready for work!
Christoph, Myself being the full piece of steak so to speak, I would not know about the mince meat stuff, I hope you know I will never look at Hamburgers and not think of this Hub. Thanks mate!
if I were a single guy. What a pick up line, walk into a gay lesbian bar (I presume they are around) and say to the girls there, "I'm really a lesbian in a mans body."
Might work !
Then again my brain is a bit fried at the moment.
Good work !
Elena: Really? I had no idea. Really, I would have thought lesbians would tend to be less offended? Maybe because it assumes we think that surely they would prefer a man or something? I can understand that. Allow me to think on this before committing further to what I want to say. Have a good day at work!
Hi Ag: Hope things are reasonably quiet. You and your fellows are going through a lot right now, so I appreciate your stopping by. Just between you and me, I think the line works better with straight women.
Oldest pickup line in the book, agvulpes! Hasn't been know to work, let me assure you! Laugh
Really, Chris, many lesbians find the concept offensive. Then again, there are others (count me in) that find it the most naturalything in the world. I mean, what's not to fantazise about?! I'm not sure why this offends aplenty, I think it may have to do with "leave us the heck alone, we don't care if you like it, we don't like you nor need you". Don't really know, amigo, but I know many lesbians would just as soon slap you upside the head if you confess to thinking about it.
Cool twist!
Elena: Well, I don't think those are the type of people who would be my friends anyway. I certainly am not talking about strangers. I would be leaving them the heck alone in the first place. Lesbians have problems and foibles and hang ups same as anybody else. I should also point out that I don't become friends with lesbians on purpose. I don't find out they are lesbians until later. That's what makes it so remarkable and it has happened time and time again, as I've told you before. I really only intended to be funny and tell what I think is a universal truth, I didnt' expect anyone to take it so seriously, but maybe they will. Thanks for letting me know. I'll have to add a part I guess.
Tom Cornett: Thanks for reading and the comment!
Sorry to be late in reading your latest Christoph. I was busy hitting on Mighty Mom. I get so crazy hot when she says things like "denouement." :)
I think you have a very firm, well, hard, um, GOOD angle to use towards being classified as a tortured artist. It works. Heck once people get past all the laughing, you might even be able to get on Oprah...or at least Jerry Springer. :D
ROFLMAO @ this one! Thanks for the major laughs! :D
(Anna Marie has it right when she says to befriend bisexual women rather than lesbians.) Your facility with language continues to delight me -- playing on words is a real pleasure for you, obviously, and it's a lot of fun to read. He was really called Dr. Hamburger?!? Wonderful. I often feel as if I'm back grading papers when I write comments, so this one gets an A.
When I saw "Zsuzsy Bee: Christoph Reilly has published a new Hub" in my email box this morning I thought 'Oh goody' a funny to start the day with. I can say you did not disappoint. I'm still laughing. Now there are many things that could be said right here and now but I will go away like a good girl and not say them. You Christoph are a funny Man or Les or what ever....
Kindest regards Zsuzsy
Haha, no wonder some Native Americans called this, among toher tems, "two-spirit" and similar for some of these dilemmas. Must get pretty crowded in there - or out there, depending on the number. LOL
But I must say on a more serious note that I find fault with phsicicans that, when an infant has irregular genitalia, always choose surgery for making the child female. Not good.
Of course...should a cure become available, why do I get the distinct impression that you...Chris...would not be clamoring to be at the front of the line to receive it? I sense that you are not attempting to gnaw your foot off to get out of this particular trap....
:P
Pam Roberson: Yes, I too feel a certain tingle when MM uses such multisyllabic words in my vicinity, but especially when it gets you--not just hot--but crazy hot! Ha!
The "tortured artist" thing doesn't work like it used to. Where is the "looking the other way" by the police? Where are the judges and their ticklish taps on the wrist? Where are the movie studios rushing in and sweeping things under the carpet, and spinning things?
Thanks for coming by. Now see, If we had all three been here at the same time, and you got all crazy hot, who knows what might have happened.
Theresa: Yes, his name was really Dr. Hamburger. I thought that was rather funny and appropriate. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for your continued kind words.
Zsuzsy Bee: Thanks for your visit. Glad I didn't disappoint your morning expectation of a laugh or two. Of course you are welcome to say whatever you want here, just remember that I am overly sensitive and my feelings are hurt easily. Ha! I appreciate your comment.
Patty: Thank you for supporting my statement that this desire spans all cultures- although perhaps it was unwitting. And they have such a lovely way of expressing it: two spirit. Especially compared to us WASP's who just say, "two chicks gettin it on!" Doesn't have the same poetry.
I agree on these early surgeries. Good grief, how can they know anything at that time? Plus, it hardly seems like it's their decision to make. I know it can be extremely difficult for a child to be in that situation, and I don't know what the answer is, but I know that that is not it.
My Dear Spryte: No, I would not be in the line at all, but rather sipping my coffee and laughing at all of those who were. Cure indeed. What we need is an enhancement! Thank you for coming by. You are a true friend!
Hi Chris
Now I know why you were so keen on the Courbet painting in my Nude in Art hub LOL!
Why, Amanda, I hadn't even noticed! Really, I didn't. Was it of two women? See? It's uncontrollable! Thanks for coming by and your enlightening observation.
"I think he was a burger-flipper trapped in a doctor's body, but he wouldn't answer my queries about it."
This fits the bill for many.
If your next avatar reveals a picture of you with a flattened head, or if your wife takes a sudden interest in cooking utensils of iron design, we know what you've asked of her for Valentine's day......
Proud Mom: I feel the same about head-shrinkers as you. I dated a therapist once upon a time, and nobody needed therapy more than she.
The irony is that all the iron pans belong to me, so I'd be getting skulled by my own skillet! Thanks for the comment!
Yes, we are poetic...and take care not to trip over my tomahawk, won't you?
Skulled by my own skillet. That's a great headline.
How did you ever date a therapist? I'd be constantly wondering if they were evaluating me....... My other personalities might get jealous of the attention.
Patty, I've recently discovered that I very much enjoy your sense of humor--and your serious side!!
Methinks you were misdiagnosed friend Reilly. I was diagnosed with envictiwombanus syndrome. I was sorely stressed over having been evicted from the womb that I sought any and evry womb I could to reenter. Many years went by before I was helped by Dr. Syndrominus who showed me the error of my ways. i soon gave up that silly notion and settled for what I have at the present knowing I can never go back.
My God, you're not only a talented man, but also gender confused, Mr. Reilly! This was another fun (and potentially controversial) read.
You grabbed me by the title and pulled me into your sordid man secret, which really isn't a secret. We females know all about it, have for a long time now. Some man, perhaps under threat of a beating with an iron skillet, spilled the beans a long time ago. The news spread throughout the female community faster than Ellen Degeneres can dance.
I have to agree with those that suggest you go with the Bi women - more opportunities. Also, you can share the fun with your wife when she gets confused and thinks she's a homosexual. :)
Patty: Oh, I know all about your tomahawks, police whistles, and air-horns that you blast into the unsuspection ears of various sundry males. Top that off with your martial arts skills and you are a woman not to be trifled with. Make sure you read my next hub, "Why I am cuckoo for women who scare the bejesus out of me."
Proud Mom: Thanks. I actually worked on it. Re: the therapist. She was! Constantly! Against my will! I made up a verb for what she did: it was called "theraping." I was always sayin, "Stop theraping me!"
(Do I sense something developing between you and Patti? I'm in the right place!
C.C. Well, there's the old joke that it takes 9 months for a male to get out of a woman and he spends the rest of his life trying to get back in. But such vulgar things will not be discussed on my hub! (I think my Dr. studied with Dr. Syndrominus.)
Down, Christoph. Just admiration.
Oh! And stop theraping me!!! Hee Hee (It's my new saying, if you don't mind!)
Shirley: Well, I WAS confused, but no longer. Ok...since everyone agrees, I will go after bi-women now. I'll just tell them you said it was OK. Actually, I'm retired from such hedonistic pursuits. All I have left are my memories. Ah...sweet memories.
Regarding that other thing, I think I have figured out what I'm doing wrong and will try again - I hope - successfully. I'll keep you updated on my battles with the intangible!
Oh and thanks for coming by. Tell those HubPage people to leave you alone. Us common folk miss you. And sincerely, thank you.
Proud Mom:In reality, I am beyond such things, but my youth was filled with bewilderment and wonder!
Of course I don't mind. I would like to see the word become popular. I can't resist telling a story: This therapist of whom I spoke asked me once if I loved her. We hadn't really been dating very long and I guess I took too long with my answer. She angrily grabbed a deck of cards and dealt herself out a hand of solitaire and started playing. After a few minutes of her playing in silence, I finally asked, "Do you always play solitaire when you're angry?" To which she replied, "Why? Are you feeling...LEFT OUT?" Oh, yes, she was a theraper of the highest degree!
:-)
Yikes, Christoph. That theraper sounds like she needs a sound theraping, but good! Was her name Karen by any chance? And did she have two young daughters who idolized Britney Spears (which she thought was cute). And ... horses (how friggin Freudian is that?). My Hubby dated someone who sounds a lot like your psycho-therapist. She stalked him and used the daughters to try to get to him when he cut her off. Guess it was all a good warmup for life with me and Pam Roberson:-).
MM: No, it wasn't Karen, but there are many therapists in need of therapy. You know, it's like they see this problem in themselves, so they get in the business of helping people with the same problem. Like me becoming a podiatrist because I have bad feet.
And yes, your husband is now prepared for whatever you and Pam throw at him, and you will throw things. Happens every time...or so I'm told.
You're also a podiatrist? Wow! Now I'm even more impressed. Writer, entertainer, comedian, cabana boy, masseur, lesbian and foot doctor. Is there no end to the facets of your talent?
Pam and I do throw quite a few things at him, poor guy. He simply does not have the same lesbian sensibilities as... you, for instance:-).
MM: I'm not a podiatrist, but I suppose you know that and are simply tickling my toes. I should have written "If I had become...."
You make me laugh! Ha! ha! Poor guy. I'll give your hubby lessons! It's a tricky business.
Yes, I imagine it is. Are you getting in touch with your feminine side? Or your non-feminine side? BTW, Hubby is safe for today. I just put my two cents in over on Foxility's hub about castration:-).
An aside (possibly a non sequitur -- uh oh, I hope that term doesn't bring Pam in all panting and moaning): Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in "trifled with" they spell "flirted with"??? I got that idea reading your comment to Patti above... Hmmm.
Oh my lord, did I hear MM say non sequitur? I don't know what that means, but it makes me so hot.
*pant, pant and panting some more*
Oh Mighty Mom! Your hubby is duct taped and in the closet until he learns to release his inner lesbianism or until we can find more stuff to throw at him. :D
That's the problem, Pam! My hubby is adament that he does not have any inner lesbianism!! Maybe he secretly enjoys us throwing things at him. Maybe he has an inner masochist:-).
P.S. If I'd realized how powerful polysyllabic words can be, I would have gone to work in state government years ago. Too late now -- our state workers are being furloughed twice a month. Dang. I'm always a decade late and several dollars short! Oh well. At least there's always HP:-)
"Why I am cuckoo for women who scare the bejesus out of me" -- Yes, yes, I must read it soon.
Proud Mom - Serious? One can keep up humor for only so long... TWEEEET! - O, sorry - I thought I heard Christoph dialing....
MM: Actually, I'm trying to get in touch with YOUR feminine side...but having no luck. I guess i'll have to send Pepe to do it for me. Actually, either "trifled" or "flirted" would work in that sentence. I think you what is called "gifted dyslexic."
Pam: Ok, just don't throw Pepe at him!
MM: mmmm...I've got nothing.
Patti: I'll get started on it right away! (What will you give me?)
I didn't mean it, Christoph. REALLY I didn't:-) I didn't think you were the type to run away......
Well, Christoph, re your memories, at least you've got some good stories to tell your grandchildren.
Good luck with the other thing, I'm sure you'll triumph.
Aww, thanks for missing me. One point though - there is nothing plebian about Hubbers! I'd take a Hubber over the Queen, any day!
My husband has a theory about pyschiatrists....he too says they are the craziest and that they get into the profession in hopes of figuring their own selves out. Having the title also masks people from thinking they're crazy.
Regarding the sex change topic. I went to high school with a girl who later had a sex change. I've see her, um him, out and about since then and he's taken enough testosterone to grow a full beard and a deeper voice. It's freaky to see her/him though. I still see enough of her in him.
Proud Mom: Oh, no. I'm doing about 10 things but am procrastinating by being on hubpages. I was in the middle of making dinner and laundry...and I haven't even started the thing I'm supposed to be doing. Oh, well.
Shirley: It's a little late to get started on grandchildren! I'd better get to work.
RE: The other thing: I was successful. Notice I said "was." I gave it a wash--as you are supposed to--and part of the design bled. The designs Ok, sort of, but it put a few yellow spots on the thing, which I am working on now trying to remove. Don't know if it can be done, but as long as it doesn't pull any more tricks on me, it should be Ok.
KCC: I agree with your husband. Weird about your aquaintance turning into a guy. I take it they haven't actually done the surgery though, which is pretty complicated going from woman to man. Have they, or just the hormone treatment (which is freaky enough!)?
Always, Always, interesting piece of writing. you got me hooked. Me jane, too. :)
Well...I only have rumors about the extent to which she transformed. She works at a hospital and I've 'heard' that she has been successful in becoming more anatomically assembled. I have no idea if that is true. The hormone therapy is quite evident. She was Sally, now she's Sam. Guess that's so he/she didn't have to change any of the monogramming. :)
Shenarobbins: You Jane? Thanks for coming by and the compliment!
KCC: Yea, that darn monogramming gets expensive! Not to mention replacing the towels.
Had any success attracting bisexual or lesbian women today, Christoph? Seems you have a lot of support for your "condition" -- about 99% of it from women. Cleverly done!
they say the believe in the constitution but are the first to take away freedom of speech. unbelievable.
Aw, Mighty Mom, you see right through me. Who's the 1%? Elena? Naw, she adores me and I adore her.
GT: This guy is too much! Where do these people come from? I just want to say, "Dude, have a beer and chill out."
No kidding. I have to laugh about it though. It was funny to see him scramble to modify his hub to block comments. Oh no dem smart people are coming!!!
Ha! Did he actually not approve one of yours already?
No, I count Elena in the 99% of women who have commented on your hub. The 1% is the brave, curious, probably envious males like GT.
You guys must be talking about Borntobefree. Tellling Republicans to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh = taking away freedom of speech? Ok then! If you can tear Lita away from the Politcs hub you can all go have a nice party at his expense. Or stay here and talk about sex changes. Me, I gotta bounce. Pam's got my Hubby tied up with duct tape and I gotta go check on him. Ciao, bellos. MM
all of them. about five. I'm off to bed too, catch you guys manana.
Ciao. Arrivederci. Adios. Aloha.
Gday, folks! I just wanted to say, out loud, that I'm indeed in the 99% pile :-) Just in case there were any doubts -- laugh!
Elena: Yay! I knew that. How are you? Good day? I hope so.
Pretty good for now, then again it's barely 10am, so who knows what awaits :-) Actually, I've plans to go and see the cow parade and then dinner at a Japanese restaurant --I've got good expectations! And you sexy, you? How's V day shaping up? :-)
Nothing special. Nice dinner at home prepared by Chef Chris. Sounds like you have a fun evening ahead. I know you'll have a good time! Ok...I give up. What's a cow parade?
Only in Spanish, but ought to give you an idea: http://www.cowparademadrid.com/
It's been done in about 50 cities all over the world before reaching Madrid :-)
You definitely have your feminine side and know how to express it, something that's always drawn me to you. That the iron skillets are YOURS says it all for me. Good job on your self-analysis and subsequent written report.
@elena: Thanks for the link to Madrid's cow parade. Here's the official site, in English, if anyone's interested. It's a wonderful, world-wide artistic experience and charitable event.
Cow's on Parade started in Chicago a few years ago. It has spread all over the world since then. Pretty impressive stuff they do.
Hey Sally and Anna! THANKS for the background data about the Cow's Parade :-) Now Christoph won't be left to wonder with that Spanish site that I posted!
Happy Valentines day one and all ! I have to do all the usual stuff plus see a chick flick tonight . I have Intimated these thoughts to my woman a couple of times and gotten the pan upside the head stare . But Christopher you have Inspired me to expand my base of friends thus Increasing my odds of an [hopefully ] accidental run into these lesbian circumstances .
Elena: Hi. I like these (ceramic?) cow statues very much. If real cows llked that way it would sure make for an interesting countryside.
Sally: Thank you for stopping by and the comment. Yes, the iron skillets are mine--for about 25 years now. They are one of the first cooking implements I ever purchased for myself, having gotten them at Macy's in NY. When I moved, many things did not make the move with me, but the iron skillits did, although they are not that expensive. Apparantly, I had developed some kind of emotional attachment to them. I am not one of these who never washes them, however. I only wipe them out-if it's practical-but cooking in a dirty pan makes me shudder. I will use warm water and a mild soap with only light scrubbing, and immediately re-season afterwards. Anyway, I thought that story might add to "saying it all" to you, in that I not only have them, but treat them properly!
Thanks for the link to the Cow Parade in English, and to you too Elena for bringing up the Cow Parade in the first place. I'm surprised I have never heard of it. I would love to see the large ones! (The small ones are great too.) My only complaint about the website is when they list the famous people who have made one, there should be a link so we could see the cow they painted.
Anna: Thanks for stopping by.
Tony: You have said the operative word: accident. Just like drinking heavily before operating heavy equipment increases the odds that you will have an accident, you can also increase your odds by putting yourself in an ideal position. Thanks for reading and the comment.
Happy V-Day Christoph et al, Sounds like people's holidays are shaping up in a variety of interesting ways! I'm impressed that Mrs. Reilly will be having dinner prepared for her (will you be employing the iron skillets?) And Tony, props to you for "enduring" a chick flick tonight with your SO.
We'll be going to a movie also. Suggestions so far include "Valkyrie" (Nix) or "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (not MY first choice, but a good film, so why not -- probably won't be full of smoochie couples). Tomorrow I get to see "The Reader" with a girlfriend.
Christoph!! I got a medal!!
Now, where's yours?
YAAAYYYY, congrats PM!!! Probably changed your status too, huh?
Don't really know.
Now, about that toad party. I've got to do this one up right so I can send CC pics. You got any ideas?
MM: Most of the time, Mrs. Reilly has meals prepared by me so it's not--in itself--special. A movie for you tonight, eh? So what would be your first choice? Either of the choices you mentioned sound pretty good to me. Guys don't like that smoochie stuff (but we're willing to endure it--especally if you un-duct tape us). When we went to see the Simpsons and Marge and Homer started kissing, I got up to go to the rest room. My wife said in a loud voice, "You won't even watch the romantic part in a CARTOON!" She got quite a laugh from the audience.
PM: Congratulations! What did you get a medal for? I have never gotten one--as far as I know.
KCC: Howdy
What will I give you? Perhaps you mean what won't I take away from the sculpture that is you...
At a grocery store in IL, near where my parents live, there is one of those cows on display, right in the meat department...kind of strange...
Patty: Yes, Ma'am. I'll get started right away, Ma'am!
Anna: That's so cool. If I had a meat department, I'd want one too. Actually, I want one anyway. I'd put it right out in the yard like one of those jockies.
Thanks Cristoph,
An interesting take on life and almost as confusing as the few Kathoey I have met who discovered they were lesbians. They are the genuine real thing!
I don't know if I am allowed to mention my hub in comments but maybe you would like to read "The World of the Kathoey and Ladyboy".
Thanks again,
Best Wishes,
Peter
At the hotel I stayed in while in Buenos Aires last November they had a couple of those cute cows, I may hve a photo yet, let me see if I can fetch it! :-)
He, he, he, in my country (Croatia, Europe) MAJORITY OF MEN proudly say they are lesbians trapped in the men´s bodies...so you could not surprise me...
Thumbs up for honesty!
This was hilarious! I love the way you right.
And as for the Tarzan-Jane-Jane thing, I'll only say this: Lesbians (and gay dudes with female singers, for that matter) seem to love exploring taboos with road musicians. Maybe it's the what-the-hell security of knowing they'll be gone in the morning - that, a bong and a bottle of Southern Comfort.
"What happens in a road musician's hotel room, stays in a road musician's hotel room."
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY....YOU SEEMS TO BE A SUSPICIOUS PERSON....IS N'T IT?. BUT ANY WAY KEEP GOING
Peter: Thank you! I always try to be as confusing as possible and I'm tickled that you noticed. I strive to leave the reader scratching their head and saying, "WTF?" I'm happy you think I have succeeded. Thanks for the link to your hub. I'll make it a point to find out what a "Kathoey" is, as it sounds like a spitting contest or something.
Elena: Thank you! I got the picture of the cow, and a fine cow it is. You mentioned that it was near your hotel. Where is the hotel? Ireland? Just curious. Thanks for thinking of me. You're a doll!
Tatjana: I had no idea this notion was so widespread. In fact, I just googled it (I should have done this before) and it is all over the place, and here I was thinking it was original to a friend of mine who said it several years ago. Oh, well, too late now. Of course, Tatjana, you know this is kind of tongue in cheek, right? Thanks for coming by and your comment. It's always nice to see you.
First glance: Yes, I am a very suspicious person. I don't know how you derived that information from thism hub, but it's true, and I am suspicious of you. I think you are a spy from Mumbai, or perhaps an assassin sent to kill me because...let's face it...I am a very powerful person.
Either that or you have a crush on me because you wish me a Happy Valentines day. I'm afraid you miss the concept of "Lesbian trapped in a man's body." That means I like girls! Besides, we are both Leo's and it would never work out between us. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.
Thanks for coming by. I'm glad we got this all straightened out!
Constant: Yes! One thing I didn't get into was this concept you touch on. Sometimes, people are--for lack of a better term--"straight curious." If you are already a trusted friend, you are apt to be chosen for the "test."
As for musicians hotel rooms, yes, until the floozie writes a tell-all book. Thanks for reading this and the comment.
So what do you think with gust having a huge attractions for a women and that is it well you can think all you want I was gust wondering? Can I ask what are your beliefs?
I gust don't get it.
Hey, CR. Any takers yet? MM
jdfull: Yes, I believe I can think I can think all I want and no, you may not ask about my beliefs.
GT: I gust don't get it either. I gust like girls. Is that wong?
MM: No, Mighty Mom, no takers, and if there were, sadly, I would not be able to bring the situation to it's rightful conclusion. It is just a dream...an illusory dream, and a dream it will remain. [Sigh]
I have no idea who this "floozie" chick is, and wasn't even in that town (Seattle?) when she was there...
Constant: Either that, or they would gladly admit to that one and many, many more.
That was Buenos Aires, Chris! I went to see a few cows in Madrid today! AY! Pretty AND so outta place that you'd dig them! I loved the Quixote cow and the Dream of Minoutaur cow was incredible!! Totally ... like... incredible! :)
Elena: I would like to see them. I am very impressed with them. I guess I'll get to see them eventually. I am a big fan of Don Quixote!
You on FB, babes? I just loaded them cow photos in there ;)
Elena: Ok. I just friended you so I guess when you friend me back I can look at the pics.
What a dramatic title! It made me gasp for breath. If only we had a contest in Hub Pages, you would have certainly reigned as the unbeatable and unmatched 'King of HP'.
That reminds me....Are you attracted to lesbians only? LOL
I really enjoyed reading it. I don't know why but I found it funny! No explanation and no offence meant. And going through this Hub I thought to do a soul search on myself and found that I am a writer trapped in a software engineer's body..... ;) LOL
Anjalichugh: Thank you for coming to read my story. Your words are kind, though somewhat undeserved. I do appreciate the sentiment! As to your second question, no. I am attracted to ladies in general! Ha! Thank goodness, otherwise I would be pretty lonely!
Packerpack: No worries, it's supposed to be funny, and your laughing is the highest praise. I think most writers would tell you to stay in the body you are in cause writin' don't pay the rent. No reason you can't do both! Thanks for coming by and the comment!
I am amazed at your clever writing, audacity and plain cheek. The fact that you got away with it and never elicited one bad or angry comment is testimony to your great style, elan and wit. Great hub , Great comments. I like the girls too!
PS my stomach hurts from laughing does this mean my innards are scrambled and that I may be in need of the hamburger cure? I do prefer a nice blu steak though.
Cute. Funny. I was confused, though, because two of my best friends really WERE lesbians trapped in men's bodies. They had sex changes and found each other. I am not making this up.
You're happy with your body and you like girls. and you like girls with girls, which is pretty much what normal guys are like. But I guess "I'm a normal guy trapped in a normal guy's body" isn't much of a lead. I've actually heard that particular line from about 8 different guys, but this was the nicest treatment of the idea I've seen. So....what kind of body is your wife trapped in? j/k
CR- I got a tissue of you still need it, for the Ferris Wheel ride. thanks for taking the time to read it, that one's now from the underground files, its one of my least read hubs and not putting comments really hurt in terms of scores and reads, but you know why I wrote it, and scores and reads were the last thing on my mind. Nuff said.
sixtyorso: Thank you for coming by and your kind words. I'm a little surprised of the lack of animosity as well. Thank you very much for your continued support! It is always appreciated. Thanks! (P.S. I'd stay away from Dr. Hamburger.)
Michellcat: Firstly, I dig your name (Maybe it's the Leo in me.) Uh...about the other stuff. When I wrote this, I had no idea that it was such a common line. Also, I did not know that it was a "real" thing. People never cease to amaze me. What disorder will we think of next? I'm thinking of coming up with a new title, but as yet, have not come up with one. If you have any suggestions on that front, I'm all ears. As for my wife, she is trapped in a normal body, which suits me just fine. Thank you for the visit and your very thoughtful comments.
GT: Yes, I know why you wrote it and, furthermore, I understand why you don't allow comments on it. I think that shows class and style, so whatever I said last night was meant as a gentle ribbing and my way of leaving a bit of a comment anyway, at least enough to tell you that it moved me.
I know what you mean about it being your least read. Sadly, the closer something comes to actually being literature the worse it will do. The more ridiculous, silly, outrageous--the better. (Not counting if you are writing stuff like "How to remove a mole" and getting lots of outside traffic.) Plus, those little impromptu conversations--the place where people go to communicate with each other--will not happen on pieces of this nature, even if you had allowed comments, and that stuff helps scores and readership.
You made the right and noble decision (and I may steal that idea some time). That being said, you successfully stirred a lot of emotions here, and the reader (me, at least) felt a little gypped and not being able to expunge these feelings by commenting. Again, I am not criticizing.
Anyhow, really nice work! It's art.
Great hub, CR.
I really don't understand this whole two girls thing, I just don't understand why men find it so interesting. I mean I myself have never wanted to see two men having sex. So I guess I just can't seem to understand why men would want to see two women having sex. It boggles my mind, but really what doesn't boggle it lately.
very intersting hub
Hi Gwen! Well, two men together is not the same thing at all. That's just disgusting to me (no offense to those who feel otherwise). I guess I have explained it to the best of my understanding, which, like everyone else's, is somewhat lacking. It's true, incidentally, about this existing in all cultures, even primative societies, so it is some sort of deep, gene thing. I am beyond such things at this point, and somewhat uninterested, but don't tell anybody! It's bad for my rep! Thanks for coming by, which is all too rare these days. Spryte wrote a nice story if you haven't seen it.
Legali: Intersting comment.
Hey CR, can you contact me when you get on, I need your opinion on a project. Thanks.
I'm on. What's up?
Sorry, the avon lady came by right after I posted that message, she always makes me feel bad if I don't order something so she just keeps shoving books at me until I find something to order.
Anyway do you still remember my password?
Gwen: Heck no. I just sent you an email. You can send it to my private email if you want.
OK, will do.
hi Christoph Reilly, "GET A GRIP ON IT MAN, HOLD ON TO THAT THING", i like the taste of a beautiful woman too, but i also like knowing that "I AM THE THRUSTER, NOT THE THRUSTEE". you have to remember one thing "WHEN IT IS GONE, IT IS GONE" there is no going back so keep the faith man.
gwendymom: Sorry, I was called away. I'll go check my mail.
Roger Renwick: Thanks for coming by and the comment. Who said anything about being the "thrustee"?
Wow, how did I miss this? I don't think I'm getting alerts about your hubs anymore--or I am but I'm so far gone that I don't know what is happening to me anymore most of the time. I think it's the second thing.
You know, what I find sad is that so many women are so thoroughly disgusted by the very notion of it. There's something sad about that--like, wow, the idea of kissing or touching another woman is repulsive? Why? Are women repulsive? I mean it shows a self-hatred and also a certain hatred of sexuality and sensuality, and I think it's really stomped into women at an early age. SEX BAD MEN BAD NOOKIE DIRTY... stuff like that (can we say 'nookie' at HP?)
Fantasies are fun. I think it shows a lot of trust to allow your partner to enjoy sexual fantasies without getting all bent about it. I think Americans have a really unrealistic and, um, insane attitude towards sex. BTW you are too funny!
Hi Pam. I don't know if we're allowed to say nookie at HP or not, but if I ever say "nookie" and get penalized for saying "nookie," I'll be sure to let you know that saying "nookie" is NOT allowed, and that you should avoid saying "nookie" on your own hubs, having already ruined mine by saying "nookie."
I agree with what you say about women's attitude toward this idea, and think we are an excessively repressed people, especially regarding sex. Part of it too may be that women feel that they alone should be enough for any man, so why would we want to add another woman to the mix? Of course, this is like saying, "Isn't the pie good enough? Must you have ice cream too??
Thanks for coming by and the thoughtful comment.
I totally agree with Pam!!! I don't understand why some woman find the idea repulsive. Women are beautiful!!! It is perfectly understandable!
LOL over the nookie! :D
Ahem, on a more serious note, I have consulted with Proud Mom, and it has been decided that I should share something with you in hopes you can find a label for my condition or at least recommend an institution that will commit me.
I am a woman pretending to be a cat (Pam Roberson's avatar cat to be exact) who is trapped in a pimping hubber's body. Can you help me?
Thanks in advance. :D
Hi, Anna: Say...What are you and Pam doing later? Ok...just silliness.
Thanks for coming by .....and for the comment too.
One woman's so fine....why not two?
C.A. Hubberpants: Ah...yes. I've been expecting you. Pull up a couch. I have given your case some serious thought, and I see two distinct possibilities. The first is that you have vagina envy. Envious specifically of Pam Roberson''s vagina, hence the symbolism of choosing her pussy cat as your avatar. This is normal. Many people are envious of Pam's cootchie. Choosing to make her love muffin into a pimp is another matter entirely. This says that you also wish to control everybody elses "naughty bits," thereby asserting your superiority.
The second possibility is that you are actually Pam Roberson, and you wish to shun your responsibilities and morals and take a walk on the wild side. I do offer private sessions to address this problem with role-playing and fantasy driven therapy. See my secretary on the way out to set up an appointment.
Sincerely,
Dr. Christoph
DVS - University of Cancun
OMG! This is better than that psychic at the radiator shop! I just hope you're not as expensive as she is. You're good. Real good. And you're right on all counts! I didn't realize I was envious of my own coochie, but I am! I really am!
Thank you so much for helping me with this problem. I had a feeling you could. :D
ROTFL....ummm...I can't stop laughing...
so you're not off to Denmark having your bits re-arranged then? - very funny hub - naughty Christoph!...have to say that I would never have thought of your take on this particular male fantasy.... cheers
took me forever to read all the comments and now i have to go to work - oh to be a full time writer on the internet and to never have to leave the house to engage in that dirty 4 lettered practice! called w---k
C.A. Hubberpants: Regarding cost, I'm sure we can work something out. In fact, I am beginning a new study called: Pam Roberson's Love Thing: What it Means to YOU! If you would agree to take part in the study, your treatment would be gratis.
Anna Marie Bowman: Take two condoms and call me in the morning.
Hmmm, a study you say? As long as I can keep my pimp cane in my hand and my fedora on my head, the rest can go and that'll be just fine with me. Well, I do happen to have a zebra print handbag that I like to keep nearby, so that has to stay too.
Thanks Doc!
*throwing Anna some peppermint flavored condoms*
ajcor: Well, the paid writing is not on the Internet, but is done from my home, and there is still attending the occasional meeting. Of couse, this work has taken quite a hit lately, hence, too much time to goof around. I do have to leave the house though, as the privy is out back.
You may keep your pimp cane, your fedora, and your zebra print handbag is a must. If you wanted to add knee-high, black leather, high-heeled boots, that would be Ok too.
our privy in our 1830's cottage was still literally out the back until about 18 months ago - so may be in terms of modernisation we maybe slightly ahead - tongue in cheek would apply here I think... our bathroom could now grace vogue without any shame! I did have some fed.government contracts to write policy but I am heartily sick of the travel! you sound as if you have it made.....cheers
It's a DONE deal! :D
CR it seems to me you are using your hubs to troll for nookie (can we say that word)!
Why not try catnip. It is the only legal drug you can give to pussies!
I am told they really get high on it.
ROFLMAO @ sixty! :D
nookie, nookie, nookie, nookie, nookie, nookie :P
Ajcor: I can certainly understand the travel thing...it gets old, fast. In my case, that leaves me alone all day, and for some people, lonliness might be a problem.
C.A.Hubbberpants: Excellent! I'll see you when I see you.
sixtyorso: Trolling for nookie? Well, I never! I run a clean establishment here, and you come along with your "trolls" and your "nookie!" Catnip indeed! I'll kindly request you conduct yourself with at least a modicum of decorum while in my home.
C.A. Woo-hoo! Nookie, nookie, nookie, nookie!
Crackin' me up. I really should stop reading this smut though and find something more enlightening. I did have the threesome discussion with my girlfriends the other night. One of which has experience in the matter. After a long debate we decided it doesn't matter if its two girls and one guy, or two guys and one girl, as long as all the attention is on yours truly! O.K. back to more cerebral literature.
My Dear Patricia Constanzo: I like the way you think, although the two guys/one girl scenario is wrong, wrong, wrong! You've shattered a beautiful picture in my mind. Now all I can see are dangly things.
And I'll have you know I write other things than just this populist smut! As long as you're climbing out of the gutter, can you give a guy a hand up? It's time I wrote some more "literature," even though no one reads it.
I consider myself suitably declorumed perhaps gone fishin might be more appropriate just remember to throw back the ones that end up surplus to your allotted bag of three! At least when talking about fish snoek is a proper name. Here snoekie snoekie!
Who says my alotted catch is only three? The ladies decide what my alotted catch is, thank you very much. "Catch as catch can." (Whatever the heck that means.)
Christoph I'm sorry I ruined the beautiful picture you had going there. Women's bodies are indeed beautiful, graceful, curvey and with very little dangeling. But, when push comes to shove, if there is gonna be four extra hands on me.... ya know what I'm gonna stop right there. Lets just say to each of us our own fantasy ;)
please don't stop Patricia, continue the thought.
Patricia: By all means, do continue. They don't call me Dr. Chris for nothing. Thank you, though, for creating another beautiful picture for me, a picture in which you are the star!
GT: You said it, brother.
My wife is helping me write my response, she is holding the frying pan while I type. In my wild youth playing guitar for some bands I was lucy enough to have two girls at once, kind of like a buffet, too much, but not fantastic, now that I am married it is like steak and lobster every night.
Lesbian chicks are cool, well, up until you realize that as the man you are the third wheel, ill-relevant, in the way, not good at handling the equipment, but the best part is that you truly can see how to use the equipment better from watching two lesbians going at it and some tricks that will make your wife happy.
stevenschenck: Thanks for reading and the comment. So, you are taking the position that it is an opportunity for you--as the student--are learning how better to please your wife. Well, that's your story and your sticking to it. No...there is some truth in what you say (I would imagine), but I would suggest that in terms of being clumsy and in the way, it depends on the man. That was your experience but it is not necessarily every one else's. You have a point though (or so I am told) that sometimes these things are better left in our imaginations and fantasies, since they rarely play out like they do in our minds.
Thank you for coming by.
Christoph, I was just about to spill with all juicy details, but as you wisely point out, "these things are better left in our imaginations." So, I will take your advice and not continue with my elaboration, for fear that even in the sharing of it it will some how be tainted. ;)
My Dear Ms. Costanzo: You are evil. You toy with my affections as a kitten with a string. The sense of my statement is clearly that rather than have your fantasies become a reality, they are sometimes better left not actualized. Nothing was said of not talking about them, so prithy, do tell. Spill your guts out. Tell Dr. Chris all about it.
(The writer is not a physician, but he plays one on HubPages.)
Now I have to go look up the word prithy.
Whoops. I misspelled it. It's "prithee." You find it a lot in Shakespeare (see All's Well That End's Well.) It is a polite request. Like saying "please."
Well if you're saying please that makes all the difference. I will shed my frocks of decency and modesty and delve into the world of literary debauchery in an attempt to titillate you. But I'll have to do it later as my daughter's grilled cheese is burning.
I await patiently...is it done yet...is it done yet...is it done yet...
This will be great for my rep!
After the offspring have been fed, I may have to wash my hair....
My Dear Ms. Costanzo: Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Fine. Go wash your silky tresses. I won't wait up.
I will.
GT: That's some funny stuff going on over there. I couldn't stand it anymore...I had to put my two cents in.
I admit he makes me laugh my ass off. I never get to talk trash to anyone now that I'm all grown up with a bunch of wrinkles and all.
Work is just killin me CR! I'll be back in a few hours. And when I get home, I got to catch up on some legitimate hubs.
Well, you're pretty damn good at it!
By the time i got to the bottom of all these comments i forget what i was going to say...so let me just thank you for a yet another very humorous read and iniating a great conversation
sunforged: Thanks for reading and the very kind words. The conversation is quite funny and...uh...stimulating. Thanks again!
Damn where'd it go? I posted this really long comment and its gone. You sounded like you didn't believe me Christoph, and I was wounded. So in an effort repair our budding relationship, and after my hair was dry, I went to work giving you the ins and outs of my favorite fantasy. Kinda like Holly Hunter in Living Out Loud, but double the masseuses. I wrote it with all the sordid hard hitting details you men seem to like. Of course I had to weave some beautifully sensual sentences in for my own entertainment as well. But now its lost in cyberspace and I am not going to do it again. I can’t rewrite the whole damn thing, I’m exhausted and sweaty from the first time. Besides, I've spent way too much time in this smut ditch as it is and need to get out. Could someone give a girl a leg up?
Nothing to see "up" there Patricia, stay here down here with us, take a few moments, I'm sure it will all come back again. I'd like to quote you again to perhaps take you back to that story,
"I'm exhausted and sweaty from the first time."
Please continue...please?
Anybody ever do an article on, "I'm a Monk with Erectile Disfunction?"
Patricia, I found it! I found your smut ditch, Living Out Loud, comment floating in cyberspace and I snatched it up. Wow! i didn't know people could be so bendy! I won't be the one to reveal your fantasy, plus I'm all sweaty and tired from reading such stuff, and I probably need some oxygen. :)
Pam should we let Golden read it? No, your right we should keep it to ourselves. Late night reading for you and me. Just between us girls. Oh, that's probably just fueling the fire though, eh Golden?
scene: goldentoad punching walls in frustration
Oh, and Pam the bendy stuff isn't that hard really you just have to warm up first. I put at least one foot behind my head once a year just to prove I can still do it. Usually on my Birthday... maybe after I've had few cocktails.
mai-tai, long island ice tea, margarita, martini, what can i get you?
My Dear Ms. Costanzo: So, your artistic description of your fantasy has been lost in cyberspace? Is that the story you want to go with? Well, I'll get the cyber dicks right on it. (Thats dicks as in private detectives.) I'm sure it will be worth the trouble as you have probably put Anais Nin to shame. You probably talked about "smooth, glistening skin" and "long silky hair that smelled of lilacs" and "an endless puzzle of intertwined arms and legs" and "the musky smell of lust" and what not...uh...um...be right back.
Wow Patricia, you're right, a little warming up makes all the difference! One big ole shot of tequila got at least one of my legs up around my head, so I guess I'm ready for some late night reading if Pam can't make it, and I'm really looking forward to that part about making a human banana split. :D
Little early for a margarita I was thinking mimosa. I'm actually heading out for my birthday brunch with the girls. I'll know doubt be, more "relaxed" upon my return. I'll let you know if I still got it.
Ok. Defribulater is working good...that's good to know. I do believe that you have a glint of strawberry in your hair, and that your mother's hair was "dark red, the pretty kind" because you've got some Irish blood in you, no doubt about it.
I agree with Goldentoad, that there is nothing up there to see, so you may as well stay down here in the gutter with us.
Tom Cornett: I havn't seen an article with that title and it sounds like a winner. I'll be sure to read it. When will you publish?
Pam: Isn't that just like you. A raging fire in danger of consuming the whole town, and you throw gas on it. Since you have found the description, would you mind transcribing it so we can all read it, and feel free to embellish it by adding yourself to the mix.
GT: Just give me a front row seat and a bottle of Irish.
Candy Ass: Glad you could make it. I'm surprised you weren't here sooner, since you usually see these situations developing before they've even started. I am looking forward to your next hub about the C.A. Hubberpants Workout, where you can show us all how you keep in shape and the yoga master-like positions into which you can contort your body.
Patricia: Is that what you call it now? A brunch? I'll bet. Seriously though, is it your birthday? Happy B'day if it is. What are you...24?
Christoph, I am a descendant of Irish pirates actually, but on my father's side My mother was mostly French. Does this help explain me?
You been peekin' in my windows again? Those contortion moves take lots of concentration and booze. I'll need to stock up on both before doin' that hub. ;)
You know what brunch really stands for don't you? I'm not sure either, but I'll get back to you when I figure it out.
Patricia: My Gawd, I have never encountered someone so thoroughly explained by their geneology. Irish Pirates and French? Really. Think about it. Do you think it "explains you," as you say. Of course, it's an oversimplification--you're much more unique and mysterious and not so easily read as a book--but still.
Candy Ass: I wasn't looking in your window. I was with Dwight Danglewanger and HE was looking in your window. I just happened to be standing there. It was...uh...nice. Don't know that I actually call that excercise, though it did appear aerobic. Do let me know when you find out what brunch stands for!
Yep it really is my birthday, and I'm thirty thirteen today. But we pirates don't give a rats ass about getting old... the french side cares a little.
And gentlemen a brunch is a meal where, apparently, the waitress comes back and says, "I'm sorry ladies we don't have any more of that particular one chilled. Should we make your fifth bottle of champagne something else?"
You know me well Christoph, yes, I can't resist fanning the flames of near dead embers nor can I stop myself from pouring gas on an already deadly fire. :) As far as Patricia's new found comment goes, she has a copyright seal on it, so I'm obliged to only speak with her secretly about it. ;)
About brunch, I always thought that was when you sleep through breakfast, then you're starving before lunch, so you fry up an egg with some bacon and make a sandwich out of it. Washing it down with champagne sounds like a good idea. :)
Patricia: Happy thirty-thirteenth! Apparently, it was a good year for wine and women. I can understand what you say: Pirates are too busy raping and pillaging and the French side just doesn't do the can-can as well as before. And what was ordered instead of the fifth bottle of champagne?
Pam: Well, I don't want to read it anyway...so there! Why upset the apple cart, I say. That sounds like the kind of brunch I know. By the way, if you do go out to brunch, never have the eggs benedict. Trust me on this one.
Christoph, just another brand of champagne and a bottle of Merlot for desert. But now I'm worried about Eggs Benedict. What about Crab Benedict?
Um...no. It's the hollandais that's the problem.
Is that you just being gross?
No. It's just that in a brunch situation, hollandaise sauce isn't made to order -- they don't have time for that. So it's just sitting around back there (or on the buffet table...even worse.) It's made with raw egg yolks. You look up any recipe for hollandaise and I'll bet it says "serve immediately." That's all. You could easily get sick, but if you feel ok, don't worry about it, but you're shooting craps when you order it during a brunch. If it's a really nice place, and you know the chef or you know that it is made to order, then that's ok. I'd at least always ask the waitress--she might tell you the truth. I've eaten it many times before learning this and never got sick. This advice comes from Tony Bourdain (Kitchen Confidential), and I pretty much take his word for it.
Don't worry about it. You're ok.
The thing is I order it about half the time! Guess I'm just made from tough stock.
I always ordered it too and, like I said, I never got sick. I don't order it anymore though. Hey, I'm just passing on the info. Order it if you want. Raw egg yolks, raw egg yolks, raw egg yolks, raw eg...
Raw egg yoks, raw egg yoks. I'm beginning to feel a little funny... I better cancel my late night reading plans with Pam. Damn we were gonna try to get in some human banana split practice in too. (pout)
Now, now. You feel fine, you feel fine, you feel fi....
Is that your medical opinion Dr.?
Patricia - human banana split practice and raw egg tolks! could be an interesting combination - but I am sure you feel fine altho the 5th botttle of champagne could just maybe upset your finely tuned balancing act!
Chris, I love Anthony Bourdain!!! I love his show, No Reservations, on the travel channel!!! I hate eggs Benedict, though, but maybe it's because last time I ate it, I did get sick! Human banana split? LOL!!!
Patricia: It is my medical opinion, which is to say, medically, I am having a heart attack and that is my opinion!
ajcor: Yes, but maybe the alcohol kills the...uh...whatever it might have.
Anna: Me too! Have you read Kitchen Confidential? It's great. I watch his show constantly, until I have seen them about 5 times and then I have to take a week off. i read his blog too, but I haven't read any this season. It's pretty good though, and there are other articles by the camera guy, the producer, whoever, about a particular episode. You should check it out. just Google "Bourdain Blog." Or go to Food Network and find it that way.
See, Patricia? It made Anna sick. I wasn't lying.
Damn I guess I'm gonna have to give up one of my all time favorite breakfasts. Unless someone wants to offer to make breakfast with hollandaise made to order. Anyone, anyone?
Ajcor, Pam didn't show up for banana split practice. Are you in?
Now what in the hell is "banana split practice"? It sounds scary! And with Pam and Ajcor, too!
Good luck Christoph :D
Cris: It's like some amazon love ritual or something.
Patricia: I will make you your eggs Benedict...better than you've ever had. For true.
Love ritual you say? Now i'm limited to buttons off, zipper down, 1 cig after! LOL
I'd leave you guys to sort this nasty-sounding affair - but i would appreciate a blow by blow account. LOL
See ya guys later :D
I gotta go soon too. I have to practice making eggs Benedict.
Good night boys! Perhaps "an endless puzzle of intertwined arms and legs" another time then.
Thanks for making my birthday so much fun; mean it!
You're welcome. And really, happy birthday. You're a good friend and a classy lady.
Chris it is that time lapse thing...(tongue in cheek) but I am really sorry that I can't make the banana split practice with Patricia but maybe i could help with the champagne later!
Hope you had a great birthday Patricia and that brunch went down well....cheers or should I say Salud....
are you still up to making eggs benedict for her Chris?
I've been catching up with all the comments here and let me tell you, they rock, and roll, and shesh, who knew Pam Roberson has such an evil streak to her? Laugh! Happy bday Patricia, you wicked 33, you!
Nevermind Christoph
Christoph: Don't get mad at me, LOL, but you have the same style of humor and writing as Rocking Joe; warm, funny, witty; are you twins? And boy this was funny, you made up a condition and it exists. LOL!
ajcor: I'm sure they were disappointed that you couldn't make it. After all, two's a party and three's....a bigger party! And yes. I'll make Eggs Benedict for all of you. We'll have a party. Just a bunch of ladies and me making eggs Benedict. Now, that's a party!
Elena: Hey, babe! Glad you're up to date on the comments. As usual, it's taken so many twists and turns that I have forgotten where it started. Nice to see you to start off the day.
Jewels: Huh? Speak up, Jewels, I can't hear you. I see how you are. I'm going to go to all of your hubs and write the comment: Nevermind.
VioletSun: Yes, Violet, I'm very mad, that you should compare me to a funny guy like Rockin' Joe (plus, he's the guy who want's me dead). Funny about this existing, isn't it? I thought it was just funny, and imagine my surprise when I found out it was a real thing. Thanks for coming by and the comment.
I've always found the saying, "lesbian trapped in a man's body" to be amusing, but I've only just realized that it actually explains the entire metrosexual epidemic. I can't believe the answer was that simple! Thanks, Christoph!
And it's totally understandable from a higher standpoint. I mean if we were to transcend duality we would then find our lost half. In the process of it, it's very likely that within a man is a woman wanting to get out, and inside a woman there is a man trying to get out. Sure this must create allot of confusion at times, not knowing whether you're Arthur or Martha. Perhaps I should have been more compassionate with your dilemma. Others would just say 'suck it up Christoph.' Nevermind has a more empassioned tone. Don't you think?
Isabella: Gosh! Do you think it really explains metrosexuality? Hmmm. Maybe. I hadn't though of it before. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Apparently, I brought it to your attention without even realizing it. I'll get my staff researching this development right away. Would you like to volunteer for the study? Thanks for coming by. I don't see near enough of you.
Jewels: You are deep. I can't tell if you are angry or what. You theory is a good one, and while I do believe that men can have a feminine side and vice versa, in my case, it was not a woman trying to get out but me trying to get into two women. (I can't believe I just said that!) Well, if you were angry before you are probably more angry now. If you were laughing before, then you might again be laughing.
And no, "nevermind" is not more empassioned, but you sure gave it the old college try. I appreciate you, Jewels. I really do! Thanks!
Angry at you............never. Darn! I've sent out mixed messages. I just got my period so perhaps I'm a tad on the moody side. Perhaps you could feel it too and were picking up something, we women have this ability. You are one of the people I can go deep with and not be labelled a total lunatic. You usually make me laugh and perk up my spirits, God knows that's always helpful.
mwah mwah mwah
Now, now, sweet Jewels. No mwah mwah-ing. It's Ok. Sorry if you're feeling crabby. I'm glad I can make you laugh. Come and see me anytime. Next time, I'll visit your place and bring you some scented candles and a bottle of wine.
In this world, i think what matters is your faith to our Creator. What you do or whoever you are won't matter to him if not abided by faith or love on Him. Life is good my friend, search the goodness and it will be yours. Thanks!
Ha, this reminds me of the time I tried to convince a lesbian to hook up with me because I was a basically a lesbian with a penis, you get the best of both worlds! Unfortunately, this tactic didn't fly and my male ego was shot to hell... ah well, it was worth a shot :)
Broyce: Thanks for the visit. While our religious view would appear to be quite different from each other, I think we are not so different. Thanks for the comment.
modernsavage: That's right! At least you gave it a shot. And you never know...it could have been a beautiful thing! Thanks for commenting!
Cristoph - I really enjoyed this article. I was referred to it by Cris A when I posted this http://hubpages.com/hub/Transhomogendersexual. I thought I was the only one!!
Schwag; Well, glad you came by and thanks to Cris A for reccommending me. I clicked on your link and get the message, "Hub does not exist".
That's good stuff, man. Of course, I don't want to be a woman. Your personal story is amazing. I'm glad you came by and checked this out and I found out who you were. I'll be reading you.
Can't believe I haven't stopped by here sooner, looks like my kind of party!
Randy: I can't believe you haven't been here before. This seems like the kind of thing you would read with lust in your heart. Glad to see you!
Ya with lust in my somethin'. So, you don't like my backside as well as my mid-drift eh?
:) lol
Randy: Sure I do. Didn't know it was really you, is all. I've got to finish making dinner now. Beef Stroganhoff. Ymmmm.
WhoArtNow: What are you LOL'ing about?
I should probably get back in my cage anyway. Chris do you know how to make devil and angels on horseback?
Awww, Randy. I'm breakin' you out at midnight! I know how to make D & A on horseback, but have never made them. I've done it with scallops though. I like my oysters raw with extra spicy, horseradish cocktail sauce, or an Oyster Casserole (which we always made on holidays) or even breaded and fried. I'll have to try them though. I know I would love them (who doesn't love bacon?)
The angels I know are the scallops and the devils are liver. So the oysters must be another version of devils on horseback? We are famous for oysters around here, we even have a big festival will an oyster calling contest and everything!
That's interesting. I did a little looking around, and what I find mostly is Angels on Horseback is bacon wrapped oysters (the edges of the oysters curl and resemble angel's wings) and Devils on Horseback is bacon-wrapped dates (devils because of the dark color of the dates.) Emeril has a recipe for Angels and Devils on Horseback, and one is oysters and the other is scallops, but it doesn't specify which is which.
Still, if you live in an area famous for oysters with a festival (I would LOVE that festival) that they would know a thing or two about them. I don't know what to think, but I would love all these things (and I like liver too! Is is a peice of beef liver, chicken liver, or what?)
I'll call them whatever you wish. How about a dish called Randy on Horseback? It would be...what? It would have to be delicious to be worthy of the name.
Chicken liver. I'd have to taste the date ones before passing judgement... I'll taste anything once. Me as a dish hmmmmm, it would be little bit spicy, a little bit sweet and definitely have a surprise in store. Oh, and you'd have to eat it with your fingers.
Randy: Why, I do believe I'm sweating...and panting. Ok. How about this: Slice a whole jalapeño in half. Scrape the seeds and membrane out for a little spicy (leave it alone if you like your Randy Behavior real spicy and hot!!!). Fill it with Cream Cheese. On top of the Cream Cheese, lay strips of candied lemon peel (sweet and tart - just like Randy; take a long time to make [several hours or even days] and you would want to take a long time with Randy), plus it's a surprise. Wrap in bacon and roast until crisp and savory. Sweet, tart, spicy, creamy, salty, delicious, and a new sensation for your tongue and palate! Just like Randy! I have to go start cooking.
I'm thinking goat cheese (chevre) instead of cream cheese and I'd say leave the seeds out for a longer lasting slower burn. And the prep time, the longer the better... You Chris can come show me how to cook anytime! God, now I'm gonna have to go take a cold shower.
A fun hub! A lot of fun!!! ;) I am just me. I am not trapped anywhere. I agree with some of the comments made, you need to make friends with bisexuals!! Trust me on this one!!! ;)
Randy: Your wish is my culinary command. Chevre it is. Lots of prep time. You want prep time. I'll milk the damn goat an MAKE the Chevre!
Shady Lady: Hello, friend...ahem. I do not disagree with the bisexual theorum. But why should I trust you? Do you have a story you wish to relate? What's really best is when two beautiful girls you knew in college come to you out of the blue, confess that they had been fooling around with each other and have decided to try a threesome, and would YOU like to be the third. But that never happens!
Can I plead the fifth??? It doesn't usually work that way. Usually, a guy is dating a girl who is a little more adventurous, likes women and men, and it get's suggested, and she knows of someone who would be willing, and it goes from there.
Lady, that is exactly as my girlfriend described her threesome. It eventually dissolved because her boyfriend got jealous of the bond the two girls developed.
Yeah, that can definately happen. A lot of times men get threatened by the other woman, and they get jealous. They see it as competition that they can't really compete with, and the truth of the matter is, it's nothing like that.
Randy and Shady: Someone always gets jealous, and it's not always the man. Not by a long shot. But since we are three mature adults, and understand the situation for what it is...I was thinking....we could play Scrabble!
I could have a lot of fun with that...
Too bad you can't see the devilish grin on my face right now..
Shady: Hey, I was really talking about Scrabble for a change. But now I have a devilish grin on my face too. That's food for thought, or...food for something.
Shady: Hey, I was really talking about Scrabble for a change. But now I have a devilish grin on my face too. That's food for thought, or...food for something.
Just caught up with this one after my holiday Chris, and it was truly hilarious. Well done for the laughs :)
Thanks, Misty. Glad you found the time to read it!
Didn't Eddie Izzard say that? :) Good hub.
UW: Probably.
Oh my Im so glad I found you. You really tickle my funny bone....LOL Cheers.
ladyjane: Hello! Hey, thanks for visiting this lonely old hub. Glad I tickle your funny bone. You have to watch me though. I might try to tickle something else.
Great, as usual Christoph. I laughed out loud (I don't do that "lol" thing).
I have a lot of catching up to do with your writings... but it's a labour of love.
Twilight: Yeah, I steadfastly refused to do the lol thing myself for years, instead making up my own like, lolwscomn (laughing out loud while shooting coke out my nose) Eventually though, it became too great an effort to resist the onslaught of these Internet acronyms, and I succumbed, bitter in defeat.
i have really needed this write up. nice hub thanks
ezenzy: Thanks for the comment. Glad you took the time to write.
I read this article because i googled it. Im a female, and i feel the same way about men. I am extremely heterophobic and actually tried dating women, but i prefer men (for the most part). But whenever i do date a male, i wish i was a guy too. I keep considering getting a sex change because i really do feel like a gay male on the inside.
It may not make sense to anyone else who says "Oh no that just means your straight", it does not. I understand this man's predicament.
goldentoad 3 years ago
I wish I was a lesbian too. Boy do I wish.
I had to grab for my inhaler, just at the title alone. fits of laughter do that to me.