Horror: Night of the Living LaBelle
73
Scene 1: Setting a Happy Mood
It was going to be a great night. My live-in girlfriend at the time was a beautiful Brazilian woman named Ana. I had a lot of Brazilian friends back then during those heady New York days, and I loved the Brazilian people and their culture. Tonight was going to be special. The famous Brazilian musician Gilberto Gil was performing downtown and we were going to see him. The proverbial electricity was in the air as we got ready for our evening out. It was going to be special. Little did I know that it was the... Night of the Living LaBelle! (A woman's scream is heard in the distance.)
If you don't know who Patty LaBelle is, that's good. Stop reading now, go away, and hug your children. For those who do know, you may remember her two, #1 hits, Lady Marmalade and On My Own, a duet with Michael McDonald. What some of you may not know is that during the finale of Live Aid, she purposefully upstaged everybody, singing so loud that at times she was the only voice that could be heard. She was also accused of taking the spotlight from Diana Ross during a performance that became known as the infamous mic toss as revenge for a rumored rivalry. Often accused of grandstanding, she later defended herself, saying in typical LaBell fashion that she has a big voice and people have to be aware that she is going to use it. Ahh. I see a pattern.
Scene 2: Meet Our Protagonist Lovers
We arrived at the club early to purchase tickets to the 11:00 show, Gilberto Gil's second performance of the evening, The first show was in full swing and I stuck my head inside to get the lay of the land. The situation looked good. There were plenty of tables spread around the vast space and we had lots of time, so we purchased our tickets and made our way to a nearby restaurant for cocktails and appetizers.
We must have appeared like the two young lovers we were, leaning into each other closely, whispering, laughing, and occasionally sampling an oyster on the half-shell or a bit of crab dip. We were young and in love and our whole lives spread out before us like a golden road laid down only for the special few. No roadblocks would stop us, no highwaymen maul us, no snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night would stay these lovers from their appointed glory. That's how we felt. The strength of two as one. Of course, that was before. Before we knew it was the...Night of the Living Patty LaBelle! (A woman's scream is heard, closer now.)
Scene 3: The Set Up
We came back to reality, paid our bill and arrived back at the club thirty minutes before show-time. We were 10th in line and with all the chairs and tables available I knew we would have no trouble getting a seat up close. Finally, the doors opened and the once organized line collapsed into a rush cramming into the entryway. We were still in front as we entered and...what? Where did all the tables go? There were now just a few tables and chairs up around the stage and most of those were filled already. Where did those people come from? No matter. I grabbed Ana's hand and pulled her forward rapidly, just managing to get two seats at one of the long communal tables just as every remaining seat in the house was filled.
I looked around perplexed, unable for the life of me to figure out where all the tables went, and there they were, stacked willy-nilly 30 feet high in every corner of the club. Clearly they were going to cram as many people in here as possible. Standing room only. Thank heavens we got a seat. The man sitting across the table from me picked up a card from the table. “This seat is reserved,” he said. All of us picked up the cards in front of our seats. It was true. Each of us was sitting in a reserved seat, and we were not the reservees.
The guy across from me threw his card under the table and all of us followed suit. We tried to act in a nonchalant fashion, but I for one was contemplating what uncomfortable scene lie ahead. If worse came to worst, I would demand they get one of those willy-nilly tables from atop it's 30 foot perch. I'd be damned if I was going to stand in the back for two hours with the other sardines. It would be Ok, I decided. Everything would turn out fine. But that was before I knew that it was the...Night of the Living Patty LaBelle! (A woman's scream is heard, this time right in my ear.)
Scene 4: Showdown With the Scary Head
I became aware of a rather large woman with a bizarre hairdo hovering around our area of the table, staring at us. It was a large and strange hairdo and I imagined Medusa-like snakes hissing and flicking their sandpaper tongues at us. She was followed by some type of gang, but the ominous group disappeared into the crowd. In short order the harried waitress was at the table, looking like she had just gone a round with Ali. “Where are the cards,” she cried. “There were cards! Did you move the cards!” She looked frightened. I felt sorry for her in that instant, but...”What cards? I didn't see any cards, did you see any cards,” we all said over the top of each other. “Nope. No cards here. Definitely no cards.” As the waitress stormed off I saw a tear in her eye. She was gonna get it.
In a flash the gang was back and this time they meant business. Their leader was the large woman with the giant weird hair with the snakes in it. Oh my God, the snakes.
“You in our seats,” the thing said to all of us.
“No were not,” I replied.
“Those our seats,” the thing said a little louder.
“No. These our seats,” I said, mocking her and matching her tone. Her eyes grew a little wider.
“I'm Patty LaBelle!”
“I don't know Patty LaBelle,” I shrugged. And it was true. I didn't. Never heard of her.
It's eyes grew even larger, bugging out from her chubby face. “I tole you I'm Patty LaBelle!” Now she was beginning to draw attention to us.
“How do I know you're Patty LaBelle? Lemme see your driver's license.”
Apparently, that was enough to send Ms. Thing over the edge. Her eyeballs popped from their fleshy sockets, shooting rays of hate and bile. She spit venom from her puffy mouth, venom probably from the Medusa-like snakes living in her hair. I'm pretty sure her brain actually caught fire because you could see the smoke coming from her hairy ears.
“I...I...I,” she stammered. She was vibrating with pent up hate and arrogance. And then with a voice bigger than the building, she boomed, “I get on that stage and start singin' and you know I'm Patty LaBelle!”
Scene 5: The Moral
She had the rooms attention now. She continued her self-aggrandizing. boorish diatribe, “I'm Patti LaBell and I'm famous and those are our seats and we're gonna sit in 'em cause I'm Patti LaBelle and who are you to tell me...” and on and on, but I did not hear her, for I looked at Ana. She had slunk down in her chair. She wanted the evil, large woman with the funky snake infested hair to just go away. But I knew the thing would never go away. The things never do. Get rid of one and there are more things waiting, just waiting for their chance to tell everyone how important they are and eat us alive.
I asked Ana quietly if she wanted to just go. If we stuck it out, I told her, I was pretty sure we would end up with a table. She didn't, she said. If the thing won't leave, then it would have to be us. If we had to sacrifice to stop the thing for the benefit of mankind, then so be it. We moved to the back and stood with the other sardines. It wasn't fun at first, but Latin music gets under your skin and before you know it, you're tapping a foot, then swaying a little, and finally you're dancing in the streets. You can't help yourself.
I only have one bit of advice to the survivors I left behind: Please don't feed the snakes.
Tell Your Own Horror Story or a Nice One!
Have you had any nasty brushes with celebrities? Any great chance encounters with celebs? Please tell your story in the comment section below.
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CommentsLoading...
Patti LaBelle sounds like an egomaniac but she was in the right. She just didn't have to state her name like it was a badge.
Good point. Instead of arguing with you; she should've went to the manager.
That was funny. LOL. I had a good brush with fame. Before AC/DC were famous, Bon Scott asked if he could kiss me in public (so he could look good!)
That's funny Jewels -- the same thing happened to me with Elton John!
CR - we just had a meeting tonight. Nothing this weekend but we should have something next weekend.
I'm glad you listen to your gf, and joined the rest of the sardines. I just hate the fact that some celebrities would act so selfish and demand to have everything done at once. I love how you described her medusaness. ;)
No I didn't kiss him, imagine my destiny may have changed!. I ate chips (fries) with two band members at a cafe, hours before they were to play. I was 14 years old with a school dress on and way too coy for that sort of thing.
I'm so worned out and trying to catch up with the hub. Don't think I'll get any hub done any time soon with so much going on?! All the cool hubbers are on tonight!
Well I had great legs back then, so yeah, possibly! lol
Chris, I feel for you and Ana, what a brush with celebrity-doom! Wonder what would have happened if you'd stuck it out :-)
I think she would have hit him with her hair. Chris would have yanked it out of her head and Ana would have run for the door in embarrassment.
Wow! What a story. Never realzized Patti Labelle was so...so...arrogant. Never was a fan, but I would have known who she was and said...so?
Can't say I've ever met a rude famous person...but definitely eccentric ones. I remember Little Richard and his entire entourage showed up at a Denny's where I was dining at once in Nashua, NH....they took up nearly the entire dining room. Nobody dared to approach him because he was just sooooo....odd. But we all stared I'm sure. :)
Jewels... what a picture you paint!! Laugh! Maybe it was best, then, that Chris and Ana just took their leave!
Hey CR, great story. If you and Ana had gone on to get married it would be one to tell your grandkids. They'd defintely be like, "Patti la WHO? Whatever!"
Seems karma eventually caught up with Ms. LaBelle. She collapsed onstage one night. That's how she found out she's diabetic. Now she's in some commercial for some product related to that. And she's "larger than life" (trying to be kind here) and still looks like Medusa!
This hub is something of a bummer, tho. I used to like "Lady Marmalade" but out of solidarity with you (and Ana and the rest of the displaced patrons) I will no longer claim it as a favorite. In fact, I will refuse to listen to any Patti LaBelle songs ever.
Wow!!! Chris...I always knew she was scary, but never that scary!! I think I might end up with nightmares of snake-haired women, screaming at me about how important they are. LOL!! Fantastic work, yet again!
OMG!!! This was so funny, could visualize medusa like tendrils trying to grab you, "the thing", sounds like an appropriate name LOL!!! I love Patti Labelle's voice, but had no idea she was a scary-bears-ego maniac.
You are a fantastic writer; I learn from writers like you!
I too shall boycott Ms. LaBelle and her Medusa head!
This was a fascinating and hysterical read, and i also wonder what would have happened if you and Ana would have stayed at the table. At the very least it would have gotten Patty's panties in such a bunch that she might have collapsed right there. That would have been the real show!
I've only had two celebrity brushes, but not with fully inflated stars such as Patty LaBelle. Thank goodness! :)
LOL! Great story. I can just see you in that scene. I'll be you were magnificent. I would have liked to have witnessed it.
I worked at a hotel downtown in my twenties while I was putting myself through school. I worked in the restaurant there. I waited on Joni Mitchell's band (good tippers and nice people), and Red Skelton. Red Skelton handed $20 to a busboy, saying, "You remind me of my grandson." This pissed the rest of us off, since he wasn't even busing that table. Lots of mumbled "Don't I remind that ass of anyone? Ain't I good for $20?" He had a rep for handing out money that way. Kind of a jerk. I don't even remember what he tipped me. I'd recall it if it was nothing, so I guess he left something but honestly it was a nonmoment. Nothing as good as yours!
The closest I ever came to a celebrity was sitting next to the fiddler from Alabama at a Teppanyaki table in Sacramento. We spent the whole meal talking about UFOs. My girlfriend was too star struck to eat. His girlfriend got bored. But the two of us had a lovely meal and conversation.
never-been-nowhere-met-nobody. Well, George Best stood on my foot once at an airport, but you probably don't know who he is. This hub was hilarious -- but I did feel sorry for the waitress.
I have met a few celebs CR but they were all pretty nice. Except for Toby Keith who I didn't meet but my daughter was supposed to and well you know that story already. Tanya Tucker was all cracked out when I ran into her at a gas station in colorado. Bon Jovi was really nice, met him while cleaning hotel rooms one summer, his wife was n't nearly as nice. I met the Bellamy Brothers at one of their concerts. They were very nice. I've ran into Reba McIntire and her brother, both very nice. My sister insulted Shaquille O'neal once. She didn't know who he was and didn't think he could here her. Of course he wasn't very nice after that but really who would be.
Great hub CR. She sounds like a real bitch to me. Glad you still had a good evening and didn't let her ruin it for you.
Aha, so this is the infamous Patti Labelle story. Wonderful!
Another awesome flash from the past from you. Full of young love, daring, and consideration for your lovely lady. There was magic in those years...
Now, this story may predate you and Ana a little. Back in the something decades, we friends often went off to the Village to hang out in one of the many coffee houses (where the folk stars were born). One night we heard this guy singing his heart out, and busting his guitar string at the same time. And replacing it in the middle of the song, without ever losing a beat.
Quiz time: Who was it?
Clue: everything I know about D tuning I learned from him.
And, I will add, no roust-abouts at the venue, no waiting in line, and definitely no LaBelle. It was a simpler time.
Until now I thought the term 'Labella' was coined by the fashion & cosmetic industry as it seems to be more in tune with style and exquisiteness. You showed me the other...the real side of it. So sad. I wish she had the 'grace' and 'poise' which her name carried. May be her hair would not have looked like snakes in that case.lol
Christoph, you are a dear. It was before '73. And it was Richie Havens. As far as I know, he still incorporates that busted string into his performances. I think when I saw it those years ago, he had already mastered it.
I don't know Leo Kotke, but you bet your buns that I will look him up and see what's up.
Love your stuff.
Well CR I'm not going to have to take the fifth on this one when it comes to occurances with celebrities. I worked for a few years at a movie studio so I used to meet a lot of them and I would sometimes run into one at a club. I never met a diva type, never met anyone so into themselves, but maybe I just caught them when they were being normal people. I did hear things from people who worked with them closely and usually it was the low tiered stars that had the biggest attitude problems.
But I can see it all very clear and I think you did the right thing, Patti Labelle is always scary to me.
Please grant me permission to link to this Hub from my LaBelle Space Haridos Hub!
About the coolest thing I have seen is Garth Brooks getting picked up by a small sized limo(ordered by the studio), kicking the driver out and telling him, he felt like driving, and for the driver to just to hop in the back. The driver didn't know what to say but everyone around was laughing and Garth even opened the door for him and kept saying, "C'mon, get in." Sheepishly the driver obeyed.
I don't know why that always pops in my mind first, it was at his peak, so I guess it was just unexpected of him or anyone getting a limo to do that. I've smoked with a couple of celebs, but that didn't make them cool. drugs don't make anyone cool.
Isn't there some saying or song that goes "It's the singer, not the song?" Well, I have found a way to still enjoy Lady Marmalade that doesn't break my vow of LaBelle silence. Here is a very cool cover with Christina Aguilera and some other foxy ladies:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ioiFrFFF70
I've had very limited celebrity sightings in my life. In the late 80s I was out with some GFs for a night on the town in Boston. Stepping off a curb right next to us was Gene Hackman. I was so awestruck I couldn't say anything. He's adorable!
Once on a cable car in SF I saw the psycho chick from Play Misty For Me. Jessica something -- reddish brown hair with a widow's peak.
And closest encounter of all, was dining out here in Sac when my Hubby discreetly pointed out something shiny at the table next to ours. I subtly turned my head and saw the biggest diamond I've ever seen. In the ear of Barry Bonds!
WOW...I know quite a few celebs myself and those ones aren't MISS THANG over there. She must have been one piece of work. Well if it makes you feel any better...her first song she sang that made her famous was about a teenager getting knocked up..LOL HAVE I SINNED...So she isn't little miss perfect now is she!!! LOL
I HATE DIVAS...its another word for BEEEEOOOOOTCHHH!!!
Oh. How could I forget this one? It's 1984. I'm living in Boston. Working very late because I'm leaving early the next morning to attend my sister's graduation from nursing school in LA. I hear all kinds of honking and cheering. The Celtics have won the pennant! The next morning, sitting in Logan Airport, I look up and see someone tall. Very, very tall. "Hey, that looks like Kareem Abdul Jabaar." I think no more about it until the plane lands. There is a cheering crowd with signs, screaming. Wow -- I should come to LA more often! Seriously, I was on the plane with the LA Lakers. At the time I had a huge thang for James Worthy (Don't ask me, no accounting for taste, I guess). wish I chould have gotten closer to him, but it was a thrill nonetheless!
oohhh. thats cool M.M.
I partied with Cypress Hill, Warren G, even ate chilli cheese dogs with Snoop and his Entourage in Imperial Beach summer of 2000 when he was touring the UP IN SMOKE tour. I have so many stories..... They were all cool as HELL!!!
Hey Ms. Rubio -- Now THAT deserves its own hub:-). Or are you sworn to secrecy? LOL.
The vast majority of my celebrity interactions were on the local scale. One day I picked up the lead singer of a band called The Rings (can't find them on YouTube -- sure they have been defunct for decades) on a bus in Cambridge, MA. He, my girlfriend and I went and had drinks, but that's as far as it went. Similar pickups for other local band hotties from Skin and Beat Surrender... back when "Miranda" was my dominant personality. LOL.
yeah...maybe I should. It will be like Almost Famous but the GHETTO version. LOL
I have kicked it with alot of people because of the business I was in Modeling at Car Shows and Singing back up for Rappers. It was a fun but wild life.
I even dated an actor once...he was in NEXT FRIDAY...see which one of the JOKER brothers it was......guess!
IDK. Would it be Jakob Vargas by any chance?
Nah....LOBO he is the buff one! he is also in Ghost of Mars and 187....Those were the days. My sister went out with Noel Gugliemi and he was in Training Day and Bruce Almighty ( the one who gets the monkey out the ass) LOL!!! I have stories to tell about that guy. HE IS NOT A CHOLO...NEVER WAS...
Stories! I love stories! Hope our friend Christoph has inspired you. Go for it, GF. Spill!!!
well...I should tell you in an email..its pretty bad...Ooh Ooh I have some dirt on SF Giants famous player Barry Bonds but that is soooo gross. I'll have to email that to you too!!!
JJ and I are plotting to see how she can dish her dirt without incurring the wrath of the HP police. I'm sure she would be up for emailing you the details. Right now she's at work, tho.
That story about Kenny Rodgers is insane. You would think the BBQ owners would be psyched to have their food "endorsed" by such a cool celebrity. They weren't very good businessmen, were they?
And as for Greg Peck. Thank you for preserving my image of him. Everything I've seen and read of his life supports his being a gentle gentleman. They just don;t make them like him anymore, do they???
JJ...e-mail your story to R. Blue...he can take it and "Please" and "Thank You" right past the HP gestapo...
Christoph I'm still in the dark here do you not like Patty LaBelle? (Haha) just kidding I'm surprised that she could be your fave singer after that kind of ordeal. Still just kidding.
This story was a hoot and to be honest I would have stubbornly dug in my heels and stayed where I was. Did the rest of the table clear out too?
As always an enjoyable hub
regards Zsuzsy
Wow an uplcose and personal encounter with a diva! Did you have nightmares after? :D
Hahaha I can just visualise all this Christoph, if I had been your date I would not have slumped in my chair,
I would have stood by your side and matched every single one of my claws with hers. I would have said,"Hey big momma sure you are Patty LaBelle well I am Donald Duck"......Then proceeded to give her a 678Code RF karate chop.
Then after I had knocked her out stone cold, we could then have been the backup act and brought the house down with our performance on stage....
A big Happy Easter to you Chris...........that little bunny better have come seen you or I will have something to say bout it.xox
Christoph Reailly, sometimes disappoinged, never disappoints, REALLY.
I just had to come back and check up on ya! Can't believe you are still staying mighty strong and confident with that woman?!
I totally enjoyed it, but it must be terrible for you and your GF. I have heard of Patti LaBelle, but she's never been a favorite.
Nice hub, Christoph.




































Tom Cornett Level 3 Commenter 3 years ago
LOL...Never, ever meet your heroes...especially ones you don't know! Many stories like this exist....I lived in Nashville for six years and boy did I get an ear full of run ins with egotistical celebrities. A little boy in a wheel chair asked a celebrity for his autograph...the celebrity replied,"I don't have time for this shit!" and walked away.
Great hub Christoph! :)