Playing the Ginger vs. Mary Ann Game

Ginger or Mary Ann? These pop culture women of opposites were like a Rorschach test for adolescent boys. U.S. News and World Report called it the " eternal question - who was more alluring, farm girl castaway Mary Ann or movie star castaway Ginger?" Gilligan (aka Bob Denver) liked Mary Ann better, and he claimed that whenever there were polls, Mary Ann always beat Ginger by a margin of 3 to 1. "I think Ginger just scared the guys," said Denver. Tina Louise, answering in true Ginger fashion, responded curtly, "I don't think so!"

More than just a prurient game of picking a partner for the hula hump, it, in fact, presaged the futures of horny boys. I began as a Ginger, lured by the glitz and the glamor of this walking sex pot, her obvious physical pulchritude displayed in a haute couture dress made out of sailcloth salvaged from the S.S. Minnow (did Christian Dior have a shack on the island somewhere?). As soon as my head stopped spinning I switched to the more stable and trustworthy "waving fields of amber grain" Mary Ann.

Desire is fickle however, and love has been known to change its mind. That's why the Ginger 0r Mary Ann game remains relative to the lives of adult men. Women have developed their own version, not in the vein of "Brad Pitt or George Clooney?", but rather "Are You a Ginger or a Mary Ann?" Not only can the game confirm your current preferences, taste, and yes, tell us who you are, but your buddies' or girlfriends' as well. Besides, it's just plain fun.

It would be egotistical for our generation to presume that we invented the game. Surely, the comparison of distinctly different yet beautiful women by future Lotharios has existed not for generations but for eons. Thanks to a cave discovered in France with R-rated primitive graffiti, we know that the first Homo Sapiens played their own version of the game between Cro-Magnun and Neanderthal Women: "With whom would you prefer to make the beast with two backs?" Not really, but you can bet your boiling libido that the cave men had standards of beauty and ideas on who would make the best mate, though to us, if you've seen one cave chick you've seen them all.

Ancient Roman and Greek civilizations were rife with humor, satire and parody, as demonstrated by any of the comedies of Aristophanes or Plautus. I'd bet you dollars to drachmas somebody, somewhere, sometime, said, "Hail, Pervertus, Cleopatra or Bathsheba?" But why stop there? Florence Nightingale or Madam Curie? Or the mensan question, "Greta Garbo is to Ginger as Myrna Loy is to......?" Wrong! The answer is "wheat". Think about it.

In our generation, the pop culture bandwagon had begun rolling, but television was its fuel injector. The Gilligan's Island question opened the door for many such comparisons, but rarely were the examples as simple. Bewitched gave us Samantha, a hot housewife and caring mother, but tremendously sexy. I Dream of Jeannie, though it suffered under it's big sister's shadow, was quite the daring diversion, with an unmarried man and woman living together, not to mention hints of bondage. As for choosing, the democratic choice is to wed Samantha, but keep Jeannie in the bottle hidden inside your closet, just in case you finally talk Sam into that threesome.

Naturally, men always have to rev up the sexual experience. A little more daring. A little more dangerous. Enter Morticia Adams and Lily Munster. These ghoulish girlies had both pros and cons. The question was which one did you want dragging you - kicking and screaming - to an early grave. But not before a game of "bounce the bones." Men are already afraid of intimacy. They made it downright scary...and sexy.

I don't think the Honeymooners' Alice & Trixie launched any such philosophical discussions among men of the era, but a mere 4 years later the cartoon spin off did exactly that. Even cartoons aren't off limits. The Flintstones brought us Wilma and Betty, and Archie comics gave us Veronica and Betty. Pssst! Hey, Jimmy! The answer is always Betty! Except that there are no right or wrong answers.

As far as cartoon femme fatales go, give me Betty Boop any day (See! Another Betty!). Sure, she had a big head and a weird face, but what a bod! With her high-pitched oo-oo squeaky voice and that low-cut dress slit up the side. She dressed like a hooker but she didn't know it. She was innocent. She was sweet. And, yes, she was naive. A tramp and a nun all rolled into one. She was Ginger and Mary Ann. Like Jessica Rabbit, she wasn't bad...she was just drawn that way. Speaking of Jessica Rabbit...ahOOOOOOOga!

Perhaps this begs the bigger question of why grown men would even include cartoons in this carnal conundrum. Well, for one thing, you are as likely to shag a cartoon chick as you are Tina Louise or Dawn Wells or Barbara Eden or Elizabeth Montgomery. The cartoons aren't that different from the characters played by the real actresses in these sitcoms, who are, after all, cartoonish stereotypes. Which is why it's so much fun to suppose and why it is so vital to choose, because choose you must. Sooner or later, you must choose. The lines won't be as clearly drawn, but these choices are what awaits you in adulthood, your proverbial as-long-as-you-shall-live-so-help-you-God life. Learn your lessons well, children. Everything depends on it.

The salient point here is that it's not about beauty. It's not that shallow. Both women in the enigma are always beautiful. One's beauty cancels out the other's. It is more about personality, character, and desirability of a woman. It's a mysterious mix of ju ju and that voodoo that you do so well. And maybe that's what love is.

Here is an overview of the ladies in our questionnaire. You will be tested. Brush up on your knowledge of these desirable damsels before finals. For men, it's who would you rather schtup? For women it's who do you most resemble.

Cleopatra was Hellenistic on wheels, She seduced and hooked Julius Caesar, and then after he was gang-stabbed, hooked up with Marc Antony, who came not to praise Caesar but to bury him, and boy, did he ever. The citizenry gave him their ear while Cleo gave him her rear. Cleo later offed herself - poison by snake. She was intelligent, powerful, conniving, and she had a nice asp.

Bathsheba was a callipygian desert hottie. Her legendary beauty got her seduced by David and then dumped, but hey, David was a king and a stud muffin. He could seduce anyone. We can forgive her this one indiscretion. Nobody has anything bad to say about her. Besides, she ruled a country and had lot's of moolah, as in coinage, as in gold, as in Egyptian papyrus. Can you dig it?

Ginger was a glamorous man eater, but so much fun to watch as she used her beauty for personal gain. If you've got the looks and attitude to back it up, the Marilyn Monroe act will fly every time. When she walked, the volcano gods watched.

Mary Ann was the farm-raised, corn-fed all-American girl. Organic! Her bounty could feed the sex-starved youth of the world. It's a fact that such was her popularity, the show's lyrics were changed to include her name, instead of the songwriter's lazy "And the rest.." A direct correlation was also noted between the rise of her fan mail and the rise of her shorts into her nether regions. Now that's fresh!

Barbara Eden's belly button may have been forbidden, but Jeannie still cranked up the heat with her sexy harem outfit with an exposed midriff and an ample bosom. She was a little pouty, but who could blame her for wanting to get out of the bottle and the house every once in a while. And then there was the ultimate fantasy: You were her Master! Hey, I said it was a fantasy.

With her ultra-cute bunny nose twinkle, Samantha could dinka-dinka-dink me into her bedroom anytime. Sure, she was a magic addict, but she was trying to quit, though why Darren wanted her to was lost on me. After all, she was a happy witch. Rather than the exotic, she looked like your best friend Jimmy's mom. All the boy's liked to play at Jimmy's house. Jimmy had lots of friends. Today's youth would call her a MILF.

A slinky, sexy spider, Morticia lured you into her erotic web. Eat me now or wrap me in your silk and eat me later. Her dress was oh so tight on her hour glass frame. When she spoke French it not only drove Gomez wild with desire, but 12 year old boys were kissing up the arms of stunned pre-pubescent girls on playgrounds everywhere.

Caring and angst ridden, Lily was concerned for the well being of her loved ones and was sexy too. If you came down with the Transylvania flu, Lily would tuck you in and bring you a steaming hot cup of bat soup. And you know how healthy and delicious bat soup is. Say....has anybody seen Grandpa?

Passionate and quick to anger, Wilma is a classic redhead. There's a certain sexual tension in not knowing what's coming next - a slap to the kisser or being thrown to the mattress for a quick lesson in the horizontal mambo. Wilma demonstrated a more dynamic and energetic interaction with men. Did that energy transfer to the bedrock?

It is widely agreed that Betty is the more babalicious of the two, but she was a follower, not a leader. Clearly she was the more emotional and romantic, and her affection was more demonstrative, often using pet names and freely sharing hugs and kisses. Plus, if she married that goof ball, Barney, there's hope for all of us goof balls.

A sexy brunette with a rich daddy, a butler, and a hip wardrobe, Veronica practiced the "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" philosophy, Archie, that sack of raging hormones like all boys, kept coming back for more. A piece of comic cutie pie and very tasty.

Betty wore sensible outfits like retro pants and vests, and sported a practical low-maintenance pony tail, but she was hot, too. A better role model, she could help you with your homework and, when you were adults, that all-important presentation your boss expects in the morning. And if you were caught having a tete-a-tete on the side (because, let's face it Archie, you are stupid) she just might forgive you. Would Veronica?

For each answer give yourself 5 points, plus or minus, as indicated. These numbers are neither good nor bad, but simply a way to arrive at a "score" that will tell you about your personality. Men are deciding which woman they find more alluring, and woman are answering which woman they most resemble. There are no right or wrong answers. You have 5 minutes. Good luck!

+25 to +30: You are adventurous and daring. You'd jump out of an airplane and assume your parachute works. The limelight beckons you like a moth to a flame, and the high-life is your right. Highly hedonistic, you go for immediate gratification and pleasure, and sex is it's own reward. A gambler in life and love.

+15 to +20: You're an explorer, but you take along a snake bite kit. You're equally comfortable shooting craps at Monte Carlo or betting the ponies at the Kentucky Derby, but you set a limit and try to stick to it. You drive in the fast lane but you pay attention to the traffic signs. Not that you necessarily obey them.

+5 to +10: You like members of the opposite sex. You like them a lot. You are attracted to all types, but you like a little danger thrown in. You will try anything once because you crave experiences. Your youthful indiscretions have mostly been curtailed, but a one night stand isn't out of the question, if you're available. It depends.

0: You are a bit of a puzzle. You enjoy the company of a flashy love interest, but you can also appreciate the comfort of a certain type. If you're single you'll play the field, and you'll play to win. You don't judge a book by it's cover - you read it thoroughly first, but by then you've already bought the book. You don't make choices of this or that, it's more like this and that.

-5 to -10: You may have made some bad romatic choices, but you realize your mistakes and try to not to repeat them. You like sex, and sometimes this clouds your judgment. When you have made these bad choices, it's because you weren't thinking with your brain. Your choices tend to be emotional rather than intellectual..

-15 to -20: You've been known to choose a dangerous partner, but mostly you make good choices in life and love. Your bad choices for romance were still valuable experiences to you, because you tend to look at the bright side. You've had some wild times in your youth, but when you became an adult, you put away childish things. Some exquisite members of the opposite sex can still turn your head, because although you have settled down, you ain't dead.

-25 to -30: You are reserved but you appreciate both inner and outer beauty. You may lust in your heart, but you would never go there without thinking things through. You like to go out occasionally - to dinner, the theatre, or a museum - but staying home is OK too. You like nurturing relationships and you are respectful of other's feelings and emotions.

It is easy to suppose that some version of the game will continue as long as we are attracted to others, or until the planet implodes. The future may bring dramatic differences in our reproductive systems and the way we relate to others - not to mention the way we feel and love - but one thing seems certain. The names may change, but they will still ask the eternal question: Ginger or Mary Ann?